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"Dean, I-" Castiel started. There was a slight panic in his eyes mingled with guilt and it made something twist in Deans stomach. That he thought Dean would feel anything other than the same way he did. Dean tilted his chin up again, making those blue eyes stare strait into him.
"Cas... what did you mean... the one thing you want his something you can't have?" Dean was fairly sure he knew the answer. But he needed to hear Cas say it to him. Cas just sighed and refused to meet his gaze again. "Did you really think, that you couldn't have me?"
Castiels face shot up in surprise at what Dean said. He opened his mouth like he was trying to say something, but he couldn't get anything to come out. Dean didn't speak again just gave him the chance to say something.
"I knew I couldn't have you in the way I wanted. So, my happiness was just saying it."
"But don't you understand that you can?"
"Dean, I think you're misunderstanding. I'm not just talking about losing you to the confines of heaven or hell. I was worried about you leaving, because I would ruin our friendship."
"I would never leave you. Especially now. Cas," this was it. He was about to say it. He's imagined this moment over a decade, and now it's happening. He's not afraid anymore. "Cas, I love you."
"Dean..." Cas's eyes looked like they were getting glassy and watery.
"I do. With all my heart. And I want you here, all the time. Because when you're gone... it's like someone's taken the air from my lungs. And it- it scares the hell out of me, because I can't lose you again."
Silence fell over them and it wasn't awkward, it never was with them. There wasn't any tension aside from the obvious, but it was solemn. Castiel looked like he had been on the verge of tears for a while, but none ever fell and it broke Deans heart. He sure as hell was scared because he was taught he couldn't love boys, but Cas wasn't just some boy. Cas is his Mary. So John can suck it. But finally, Castiel looked up of his own accord, locking eyes with Dean before letting out a shaky sigh.
"You- you feel the same?" He asked shakily, voice faltering with nerves. That hesitation in his voice may have been what sprung him on. Or maybe it was the anticipation, or twelve years of tension, but before he was aware of what he was doing, he got up from his seat and went around to Cas. He pulled the angel up to his feet and before he could protest to his own nerves, he grabbed Castiels face and mashed their lips together.
His mouth was like water after being dehydrated. It felt like fire in his bones and bile in his stomach. It was like tears in his eyes and like every part of him that once came from a dead star, was alive again. Time stopped, he let it sweep him away until Cas started to kiss him back. His lips conquered him and he gladly surrendered. He dissolved into the angel until they became one. He could escape the world and hide in that moment with just the barest brush of their lips and the barely slick touch of their tongues. It was as if Castiels lips were shelter, as if they wanted to know all the places Dean had been hurt, so they could take it all away. And Dean let him.
Damn his father, damn Chuck, damn Billie, the empty, heaven, hell, good and evil. Because Dean Winchester wasn't made to play along and follow the rules. He wasn't the Michael Sword, he wasn't the ultimate killer, he was just a lover. And much like his fallen Angel, in this moment, he knew that he was lost. That they were writing their own story now.
