The Queerest [🗸]

macky's, hangouts, and breakfasts

We never actually talked about how we'd continue in school. Are we going to continue as we always have, as close friends? Do people already think we're together because of the Unfuckables list? Am I staring at him for too long?

Should I talk now? I should talk now. Shaking the thoughts away, I meet Soren's gaze, fingers wiggling in a slight wave. "Hi." 

Shit. Was that dry? Pursing my lips, I try to gauge Soren's expression, but he's still as windblown and smiling as ever, and somehow, it eases some of the tension building up in my shoulders as I exhale.

Soren juts his head towards the school doors. "Wanna head in?" he's smiling still, and I nod as he gives my pointer finger a slight tug, a flash of a smile crossing his lips as he heads into the school building and I fall into step with him.

Our shoulders brush against each other's, and I'm certain this is going to fuel all of the rumors that are probably already circulating. Somehow, though, Soren's bright smile seems to overpower the other stares, if only slightly.

Walking through the school halls, it's nearly scary. Scary because the last time I was here, I saw my name pasted onto a list, someone assuming and then broadcasting to the whole school that I was queer.

They were right.

They were right that I was queer, but they were fucked up to out me, to put my name on a list and shout my identity from the rooftops like they knew shit about me. 

My chest hurts, and I'm hit with the memory of me backing away, hiding away in my car, my head falling against my headboard as I tried to will the angry tears from falling.

Evelyn got her coming out the day before, likely what landed her on the list, but at least she got that. Soren never hid who he was, so naturally, assholes pasted him there, but it didn't bother him as much as it could. Riya was out and proud, so she couldn't give less than a shit. E was simply E, used to bullshit he never should've been used to.

I never really knew who I was, so the entire experience was jarring.

The idea just never occurred to me. Not like I assumed I was straight, but I didn't exactly assume that I wasn't. I just was and that's always been fine with me. I liked Maria Delgado in eighth grade, and I like Soren Choi now. 

That list didn't allow me to just be, so being back in the school halls is disconcerting.

I exhale and Soren glances up at me. The back of his hand brushes against mine. "You good?"

Ignoring the eyes that feel like they're burning into my skull, my volume slightly dips. "I'm just..."

"Stressed about the list," Soren says, his hand reaching out like he wants to touch me, but isn't sure whether I'd be okay with that.

"Yeah," I exhale as we make our way down the halls. Running a hand through my hair, I continue, "it's just scary as shit, being here." A pause. "It's like I'm out and people are already thinking things about me and watching my every move." 

My eyes find his, mouth moving carefully, "I'm scared." Shaking my head, I say, "I don't know what to do with them watching me. I just want all eyes off me." Which has always been true. It's funny, how Santi thrives off attention, and all it does is make me squirm.

Especially when said attention is less than positive.

"Hey," Soren says as we turn down a different hall, the gazes around us unwavering, "look at me for a sec."

I do. He doesn't even have to ask, because my eyes were already on him. This time they meet his eyes. They're firm and careful and so understanding I can feel something soft pierce through my chest.