Lovesick Witches

The Truth

Spell science class lasted forever as I sat, wound up in my thoughts again. Mr Rowan-Webb had given us an essay to write but I still wasn't really into the essay idea. So instead, I just lay my head on my desk and let my overly active mind take me wherever it wanted. Which, of course, was HB. 

Would it be so bad to give our relationship one last shot? 

I didn't know what was true anymore. I didn't really know what I believed about the situation and what I was just telling myself. But what happened with Ethel really made me think about what I knew about Hecate's feelings for me. And I came to the conclusion: not much. Hecate had never actually told me that she would never like me or could never like me. So I'd just made that all up. I'd been telling myself this whole time that it could never be but what evidence did I have for that? 

Through being away from Hecate, I discovered so much about myself. About my feelings for Hecate and about her feelings for me. I realised that my life without Hecate simply couldn't go back to how it was before I met her. 

What had changed? Everything had changed. Hecate coming into my life had completely transformed me as a person and through being apart, I was able to see how wrong my life was without her. How adapted I was to having Hecate there and how lonely everything was without her. Like viewing life in black and white, all the colours drained away. 

I'd developed feelings far deeper than I had realised and knew that my life would never be the same again if I didn't do something to fix what I had messed up. 

Maud reached out an arm from the desk on my left and nudged my shoulder to make sure I was still alive. I looked up at her suddenly and smiled before re-entering my flow of thoughts. 

I didn't regret breaking up with Hecate. Being apart from her had made me realise just how much I loved her and needed her. If I had stayed in the relationship, I would still have been convinced in that lie that I had created for myself, being obliviously blind to the truth. 

Thanks to being separated from Hecate, I was able to start seeing the real truth. Seeing everything clearly. The fact that I had no knowledge of Hecate's feelings for me and that what I thought I'd known, I had just made up. 

I'd been overthinking everything. Overthinking in the hope of trying to avoid seeing the truth. I wanted to believe in the lie that Hecate would never love me. 

Why? Because I was scared. I was afraid of how intense my feelings for Hecate were and I was terrified of the fact that maybe Hecate could love me. No one had ever loved me before. No one had ever even had feelings for me. And that was why I came here to Cackle's, an all girls academy. I was running away from my fear of love. Of course, that was when I believed I was straight. And obviously, Miss Hardbroom proved that theory to be extremely incorrect. 

And because I was so afraid of being in love, because I was so afraid of someone loving me, I tried to convince myself that she couldn't, just to make a pathetic attempt at running away from the things that scared me. So much for facing fears. All I was really doing was hiding from them. 

"We are half way through the lesson now, girls," announced Mr Rowan-Webb, interrupting my daydreaming session, "so you should have written at least one page so far." I lowered my gaze to the blank sheet of paper staring right back at me. 

"Whatever," I whispered to myself after deciding that my daydreaming was far more important than writing an essay. 

I'd always known that there was a possibility that things could work out between Hecate and I. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself otherwise, there was always a piece of me holding onto our relationship. And that was why it was so hard for me to let go. Because I knew, deep down, that what I was letting go of could have stood a chance. 

I broke up with Hecate out of fear. I was overthinking everything because I was a coward. I used that lie that Hecate could never have feelings for me as an excuse because I was scared of my own feelings. I told myself that it was because she could never love me because I didn't want to blame myself for my own fear. It was easier just to blame Hecate for not being able to love me. 

I looked around the spell science classroom and everyone sat with unamused facial expressions as they wrote. Essay writing was a popular thing here at Cackle's. I supposed it was because the teachers couldn't be bothered to teach us. I couldn't blame them though. We were quite a handful. 

I refocused my mind back to my original trail of thought after a little glance around the room. 

I could finally understand everything and could see everything in a new and clear light, for how it really was. I was free from the stupid lies I had been telling myself as I ran from my fear. 

There was nothing standing in the way anymore. The only thing that had ever been standing in my way was myself. But I was free from that. I smiled as I sat there in spell science and spotted a glimpse of the truth between all the lies and misunderstandings. 

Thank you Ethel. If it wasn't for your self-centred ego making me break up with Hecate, I would still be holding on to that fear. Still making excuses and overthinking. 

If I tried to solve things with Hecate, what was the worst that could happen? We were already separated. It couldn't get worse. But I would have a chance of making it better. 

She could say that she didn't love me, which would cause me heartbreak. But who was I kidding, I was already heartbroken! My heart couldn't break any more. But it could be put back together. 

There was a chance that Hecate did love me after all. And what was there to lose by taking that chance and asking her? 

I'd gotten us into this mess by believing in those ridiculous untruths. It was my job to put things right. 

At the end of the day, my life would never be the same again, whether that was with Hecate in it, or without. But if I had the option, my love for Hecate would drive me to her every time. 

I loved Hecate and I wanted to be with her. And that was all that mattered. 

I had to tell Hecate that I loved her. I needed to fix everything.