Lovesick Witches

Contradictory Contemplation

I ran through the hustling trees that surrounded me and back into the dull courtyard of the school. The sun radiated onto me, making me feel very hot and flustered. I ran past the grey, stone walls of the school and through the heavy front door. 

I sprinted through the cold, dark corridors, passing the potions lab. I felt my palms become sweaty as I ran past that classroom. The usual feeling of comfort I felt when being near the potions lab had now been replaced with a sickening anxiety. 

My mind flooded with panic and fear as I continued dashing through the school. When I finally reached by bedroom, I entered, banging my door shut and flinging myself onto my bed. 

As I lay in bed that night, so many thoughts ran through my mind. So many feelings and emotions overwhelmed me. 

When HB and I leaned in to kiss each other in the woods that day, everything seemed so perfect. It all felt so right. But, I pulled away last second. I wanted to be with HB so much. I really liked her and had such strong feelings for her. Yet, when I was given the opportunity to kiss her, I was the one to fuck it up. 

I got so scared in the moment and ran away. I just couldn't understand why I did that. I supposed I just got nervous and panicked over my feelings. 

But as I lay in bed thinking about it, I didn't regret pulling away. I seemed like the right thing to do. But I couldn't work out why. I wanted nothing more than to be able to kiss her, but reflecting on it afterwards, I was glad I didn't kiss her. Which was strange, as my feelings for her were still there, just as strong as they were before. 

I stared at the old, wooden ceiling in my bedroom as I contemplated over these contradictory thoughts. 

I was still so attracted to HB. I still longed to be with her. I still liked her more than anyone else and had such intense feelings towards her. Yet, I didn't regret not kissing her. 

It took me a good few hours of thinking to work out why. 

I still believed that Miss Hardbroom could never feel for me like I felt for her. That is why I didn't kiss her. Not because I didn't like her enough, but because I was scared that HB could never like me back. 

I contemplated over this as I turned over in my bed. 

It was impossible for Miss Hardbroom to ever want to be with me. It was impossible for her to ever be in a relationship with me. I was just a student to her. She was just my teacher. We just had a moment. But she could never like me as much as I liked her. And that's why I freaked out and ran away. Because I knew that she would never feel as strongly for me as I did for her. 

She was thirty years older than me. She was an extremely powerful witch and I couldn't even make a simple protection potion. She was smart, I was just average. She was so much prettier than me. I knew she told me to think more positively of myself. But it was all true. No matter how kind I was to myself, no matter how much I believed in myself, the facts were that she was better than me in every way possible and that she would never have true feelings for me. 

And that's why I didn't regret backing away. Because it was still true that it could never be.