BSD & FUKUMORI headcanons

• Part 11 •

And here I am, bringing you something to laugh/enjoy this evening.
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John S: What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally shit myself lifeless.

***

Chuuya: The Lord turned water into wine. All I'm suggesting is a trip to the grocery store.

***

Mori: Well, aren't you all a rag-tag group of adventurers with unclear goals and good hearts! Oh, let me guess: you're out to save the world!
Chuuya: Well, actually, that sounds like a pretty fair assessment.
Akutagawa: More or less, I guess...
Dazai: That sounds awesome! Let's do that!
Tachihara: I'm new here, but I am open to the concept.
Elise: I thought that's what we were doing, guys, come on!

***

Mori, walking into his house: Hello, people who do not live here.
Chuuya: Hey.
Dazai: Hi.
Kouyou: Hello.
Tachihara: Hey!
Mori: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!
Elise: We were out of Doritos. What choice did we have?

***

'Can I copy the homework?'
Kouyou: I can help you with it!
Chuuya: Yeah, sure.
Dazai: Bold of you to assume I did the homework.
Elise: lol nope.
Tachihara: Wait, we had homework?!?!?!
Akutagawa siblings: *Read 5:55pm*

***

Dazai: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?
Mori: >:O language
Chuuya: Yeah watch your fucking language
Kouyou: OKAY WHO TAUGHT CHUUYA THE FUCK WORD?
Tachihara: 'The fuck word'.
Elise: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time!
Dazai: Oh my god she censored it!
Tachihara: Say fuck, Elise.
Dazai: Do it, Elise. Say fuck.

***

Mori: If you bite it and you die, it's poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it's venomous.
Chuuya: What if it bites me and it dies!?
Dazai: Then you're poisonous. Jesus Christ, Chuuya, learn to listen.
Kouyou: What if it bites itself and I die?
Tachihara: That's voodoo.
Elise: What if it bites me and someone else dies?
Chuuya: That's correlation, not causation.
Tachihara: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die?
Kouyou: That's kinky.
Mori: Oh my God.

***

Mori: Hewwo.
Chuuya: Hiiiiiii!
Kouyou: Greetings, Humans.
Tachihara: Three kinds of people.
Dazai: I want crab pudding.
Mori: Four kinds of people.
Elise: WHAT'S UP FUCKERS?
Tachihara: Five kinds of people.

***

Mori: Everytime I hear someone talking about updog, I'm torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help them complete their joke.
Chuuya: Okay, but what is updog?
Dazai: Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish.
Kouyou: Not, that's a hot dog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released.
Tachihara: No, that's an update. You're thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden.
Elise: Surely, that's Uppsala, where's updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter.
Mori: That's Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs.
Kouyou: You're thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current.
Dazai: No, that's an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway.
Chuuya: What's a henway??
Mori: Oh, about five pounds.