Forgetting The Ex

You Want To Experiment

For the first time since the years that I know him,I think I could detect pain behind that smile.

"I...",I pause.

What I'm offering is utterly selfish. Should I go with it?

"Go on Sandy",Nikhil gives me an encouraging nod, squeezing my hand.

Since I didn't have the balls to look him in the eye when I say the next few words,I gaze at our hands,"I want to try this... thing out between us. I feel something for you Nikhil. But I don't know if it's deep ",I steal a glance at him, desperately hoping to see a smile, but all that I get is a solemn face. I don't let it get to me though,as I continue talking,"I..."

"You want to experiment. To see if we are worth trying,if we are worth each other at the end."

I flinch when the words I'm unable to spill out of my mouth spills from Nikhil's.

"I don't understand. You're suggesting a relationship,are you?"

I wince,"I'm not. I don't want to label us. You're not going to be my boyfriend,or vice versa. It's just...are you getting it?",I ask quietly.

Guilt fills me when Nikhil gives me a hard stare,"You're saying we are going to see each other,but not going to label our relationship. Are you seriously suggesting to be friends with benefits?",he leaves my hand.

My eyes are wide as saucers,"No",I snap,"What the hell made you think that?"

"You want to try things out. But not be in a relationship. What exactly are you suggesting then,Sandy?"

I squirm in my place. It didn't sound as bad in my head.

I take in a deep breath, unwilling to make eye contact as I hold his hand.

The courage to speak comes back when Nikhil squeezes my hand,"Nikhil. Please... try to understand. I've never had these kind of feelings for you. I'm Dhruv's ex,whom you are still in touch with. I had spoken to him the other day. I had straight away denied any kind of relationship when he had offered,and...I also mentioned that I like someone else ",I sneak a glance at Nikhil, continuing to talk when he nods,"Even though I didn't mention your name,he guessed it. I just think...our relationship won't be very smooth, if we are in one. There are just so many loose ends. That's how I feel-"

"There are no loose ends Sandy. You just said you spoke to Dhruv."

"I...",I pause,"I know. But",I press my lips,"I think complications are bound to rise when one is dating her ex's best friend. So",I shrug,"I think we should take it slow."

"Sandy", Nikhil frowns,"Are you saying we will have misunderstandings regarding Dhruv?"

I shrug,"We may. We can't really rule out the possibility."

"Let me get this straight. You want us to see each other,but you don't want it to be official?"

"Yeah",I press my lips,"We could casually date first,and then become official."

It hurts me when Nikhil gives me a resigned smile,"It just means you don't like me as much as I would like you to."

I swallow,tears quickly welling up my eyes for some reason," You misunderstand, Nikhil. I just...I think we should be compatible before we jump into things."

It twists my heart when Nikhil wipes away the fallen tear from my eye,his own glassy,"What if you think we're not compatible, Sandy?",he asks me quietly,looking away, blinking rapidly.