||~~The Brewer's Girl~~||

👼Circles👼

"No...no ..noo," the little girl sings, thrilled with her new game. With her wide smile and laughing eyes, it's like being on a date with a beam of sunshine. The weird part is that Kabir is having just as much fun as she is. He doesn't have that face on that so many other tourist dads and moms are wearing - the-when-is-the-nap-time face. You never see a real parent so jazzed to play whatever stupid kiddie sport their rugrat can think up.

He is as soft with her as he's cold with me and not that I minded because she's his daughter whereas I... am nothing to him now. Where there are walls, he softens me but now his walls are so high up that I fail to gather the strength to break through let alone climb them.

I can't be his but I guess I still am learning how to be mine first. Sometimes the things we can't change end up changing us.

Yesterday I would have gone and tried being a part of the happy picture that Kabir and Riddhi are. Because yesterday I was hoping. But after that Kiss, things have changed. I see no point forcing myself between these two. My connection is with Riddhi and I have my good times with her when he isn't around. So I lay back on both the elbows and watch from where I am, as he anchors her on his shoulders. I can see how wary he is of not hurting her elbow. Her plaster is removed but inside it's a delicate business and none of us want to risk that. He takes her into the sea and she is happily squealing and I shake my head. She is such a water baby.

Waves of happiness and peace roll inside of me as I get up and pull on my shrug. It's better to leave before Riddhi notices me and Kabir gets uncomfortable. I don't really want any encounter with him.

Yes I will forever love him but with time I guess I will have to learn to accept his refusal. I'm working on it but it is still hurting me inside. Apart from that I'm pretty alright.

There is Tushaar, who I know finally happens to be Kukkie's brother-in-law. It's nice to talk to him but he never delves into complicated waters much. Sometimes when he does, he only makes sense and makes me act upon me. He's great at giving me another person's point of view or perspective. Someday I will maybe open up about my family situation, thanks to Kukkie he already knows a bit but still he never brings it up in our conversations.

Thinking about this and that, I finally reach home. The cabin. Stepping on the porch I feel for the thousandth time, like an abandoned railway station, where trains pass through but never stop. My thoughts keep fluctuating between negative and positive, just like the days that I'm living everyday.

It's an uncomfortable feeling, not knowing what to do, definitely uncomfortable like having a stone in my shoe.

I dump the damn slippers unceremoniously on a sun lounger and unlock the door to walk in. The braids of my Grecian goddess hairstyle have already loosened up so I run my fingers through them and free my hair.

A long shower and a sunset with green tea is all I need now to calm down the chaos of my heart again. It's crazy how Riddhi's presence always calms me down and her father blows a storm right into my face.

Who knew I'm going to get hit by the storm I was avoiding very soon again.

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Kabir

"Have dinner with us, then. We're going out, you should come!"

I hear my mom speak into the phone as I enter the living room, rolling my black shirt's sleeves up to my elbows. We are having dinner outside this evening and I thought to have a more sophisticated look. I stare at my mom's delighted face and then she is soon convincing someone at the other end with her words and I wonder who she is inviting to a family dinner.