We talked and his ma let the question slip about that boy with whom i have complicated history.
"Oh oh I am sorry." she said holding her hand over her mouth.
"It's okay," i say. "The parting was amicable. We are still friends." Do friends send each other copies of new albums, or find each other in foreign cities on abandoned parking lots, rooftops, staircases behind dusty curtains, do friends who are over their shared past hide from the rest of the world, do friends come knocking on doors in the middle of the night, high and lost, scared, falling asleep on your couch while there is someone out there waiting on them, saying they wish it was still you they wake up to?
"And yet, he still writes songs about you." Dyl's sis adds from top of the sofa where she is perched like a hawk, looking from above, aiming for my buried secrets. Or just gossip. Or hidden intentions. Or truth.
Dyl knows the truth. He was there on the curb after we got kicked out of the bar, he was there on bathroom floor when i was pouring out more than my guts down the toilet.
"Don't you ever go back to that old lover who never ages in your mind, and wonder if you could change the scenery little bit, would things end differently? "I say calmly. But i am everything but calm.
Why am i so anxious? I have nothing to hide. I have nice boyfriend who i am meeting later, and yet here we are talking about someone i ended things with years ago, and now only see them in my dreams.
And on couch, next to me is my best friend who besfriended me himself one night at the party after finding me eating scrambled eggs in the middle of the same party. I sneaked in his kitchen to make them, because i was hungry, it was way past midnight, and no one paid me any attention, so I decided to entertain myself.
I asked him with fork halfway to my mouth if Tyler is going to mind. He just laughed, then tpose joined us on couch and welcomed me to the fam.
He laughed now too, and told Julia to get off my case. I smiled at her and she returned smile of her own, but then got lost in thought like my words did remind her of someone.
Once, when Dyl found out I started hanging out with Matty, he started saying all those things thinking he was funny. We were sitting on a bench waiting for Thomas to be done with something, it was raining and we ran to nearest shelter which happened to be covered bus stop. I told him to stop and to never talk of Matty like that again because i really like him, and if he were really my friend he should be happy for me that i found someone, and if he cant do it we would be done. I guess i left quite impression with my conviction because he never said a word about it again. Probably he saw how hurt he made me feel. Its his Achilles heel. He can't bear the thought that someone is feeling bad because of him. He always wants to make us happy.
After lunch we moved out on deck. Chairs were already out, we helped dyl settle in one, propped his leg on another, and then everyone scattered somewhere leaving us alone.
He stared ahead asking how I've been, we were playing a game, throwing meaningless comments back and forth.
It was like that with him and me. Easy. Laid back. No pressure. Ready to defend at any moment.
But then his smile faltered even though he was trying hard to keep it.
"Brit left, Y/N."
He squinted his eyes at me, watching me with this sad expression then moving his gaze away like he is sorry to burden me with bad news, but also thinks it is important that i know.
"I am sorry to hear that."
He threw a ball in the yard, missing the hoop. "Yeah it's a shit."
Why lovers leave and doom us to drift without them just when we were ready to lend them wing of our own? Will we drift away? Do all abandoned lovers drift toward each other?
He stretched his arms above his head then looked at me. "At least i don't have to pretend anymore you are not my favorite person in entire world."
I don't need that.
I just want my friend.
But i said nothing.
Now i understand how wrong i was that day on bus stop while rain thundered above us. It's the way he is. Boy hiding his heart behind laughs and jokes that are nothing but a mirror he made to reflect what others wanted to see. Even though, I still think he could have been gentler, I see we are all rugged pieces of stones, only our mothers believe can turn into diamonds.
But i didn't say anything. Because it will take time to heal and philosophical conversations can wait some drunken, darker hours.
We stayed in silence soaking up the sun.
When the time came for me to leave, his ma tried to get me to sleep over, but i keep bringing up that i have somewhere to be later.
Dyl watched me amused. I gave him big hug and he patted me on back.
In the hall as i was saying goodbye, my phone lighted up. New message.
I can hear him giggling. When i return to living room, his arms are wide open.
"Come on, one more hug. "
He kept me tightly to him, almost like he wished he didn't need to let me go.
"Take care." he whispered in my hair.
Later, i got text: You had nowhere to be, right?
what a bastard! he knew me too well. Maybe we have already drifted to each other.
Reply: Well I can't let your ma know how seriously messed up I am. one slip was enough, don't you think so?
He chuckled to himself on couch, not realizing Julia was watching him from doorway. What a bunch of fools they all are, she thought.
