Cynical Lesion

Prologue

cynical lesion: forgotten feelings

Pristine souls are sold to satan to create more evils, and I am one of those souls.

If someone would ask me what is the thing I can't give to someone immediately. I would say trust. It's hard to trust someone in this generation. Indecent lies are everywhere, lurking around like it was some kind of air that makes a person live for it can't be gone. I don't just give my trust to someone who doesn't know how to be true.

I was born naive, innocent, and gullible, well, we all are. But when I reach high school everything changed. I just woke up being humiliated by the people whom I treat as my friends.

Since then I became distant. I don't want to trust again because, in the end, it will just be me, myself, and my four corner room. I'm fine in this set-up, alone yet contented.

I sighed as I step through my safe zone. My home when I was still suicidal, helpless, and waiting for the period of all my heartache: death, it's funny that I'm still waiting for death to come and get me yet I know that I am already dead inside. At that time I already accepted my defeat. I know that I lose the game between me and the burdens that this realm gave me. Anong laban ko dun? Isa lang ako, madami sila kaya hindi ko kinaya.

"Babalik ka, huh?" Ani ni manang. The caretaker of the house I am staying in right now.

"Oo naman, manang. Sa susunod na taon babalik ulit ako dito." I gave her an assuring smile.

Sa susunod na taon? Seriously? I could be an actress for uttering those false words and giving that smile. I smiled bitterly, I hate artificial people yet here I am faking my emotions just to get rid of their false concerns. Well, at least it was just my emotion I'm faking, not my whole existence.

I immediately went into my car and control it to the venue where my high school reunion is held.

I was occupied in the whole ride. I was thinking about how will they react about me? After all the changes I have done to myself. Will they pity me? Or they will hate me for being so emotional? Or maybe they will repel me.

Wait, why am I thinking of what they will think about me? I scoffed.

If I would ask that to my 14 years old self I would answer, 'because I am living on everyone's expectation.' Yes. I am really pathetic. People's judgements matter to me when I was young. I am not brave enough to fight those people who humiliated me so I just did my best to change myself into someone they want for me, just to stop them from bullying me. I have no one that time so I have nothing to lose.

When I arrive to the venue I stop my car and go out. I sighed heavily when I saw the cafe where we will have our reunion. Will I be okay? This is the first time I go out since I got depressed. I caged myself in my dark room because voices are telling me to do that.

I shook my head to erase that damn thought. I shouldn't think what happened in the past because that will just make me reminisce all the devastating times. I don't want to be sad again. This is my time to prove myself that I have change. For my baby who became my light in my darkest time of life but just like the others he left me.

Damn. I'm thinking those memories again.

I sighed again and entered the venue. This is my third sigh for this day. I can sense those judgemental eyes around me, they looked at me like they know all the disgusting thing I did just to escape from sadness, even it was just temporary. But I don't mind now, I know that I already changed. I am better now.

Iginala ko ang aking paningin, hinahanap ang mga taong alam kong makakasundo ko ngayong gabi. Namataan ko sila at kumaway pero tinignan lang nila ako gamit ang naguguluhan nilang mga mata. I chuckled.