Mr. Perfect and Me (phan) // Under Editing

Chapter 12

I finally make it to my street. I'll stop by Dan's house and say goodbye. My final goodbye. Tears start to stream down my face again thinking about the thought. It'll be easier. I'll be able to just go, and not have a care anymore. Not get hurt anymore. Not having the pain of loving someone and not being crushed. That's how Dan will feel, at first. He'll be fine, I know he will. Dan can do anything. I walk over to Dan's door and knock. He answers it and gets a confused face when he sees me. "Phil? Phil, are you alright, you're crying." Dan says worriedly. "I'm fine. I decided I couldn't take it. In gonna stay home today."
"Ok, do you want me to go with you?" My hands start to sweat. "Um, no. I just want to be alone." He grabs my arm. "Ok." He says. I hug him tightly, remember how he feels when I hug him and how warm he is. I breathe in remembering his sent. I pull away. He has a smile on his face. Slowly lean in and kiss him passionately, remembering his lips on mine. I pull away. "Remember, I'm sick." Dan says worriedly. "I don't care, I needed it, so, so badly." He smiles and hugs me again I blink back tears. I'm going to miss him. We pull away and I smile. He smiles back. "Goodbye, Mr. Perfect. I love you." I say getting a lump in my throat. "Goodbye my sunshine, I love you too. I'll see you soon." I shake my head. "Ok." I walk away and Dan closes his door. The hardest part is over. I start to feel happy. No more worries, no more Blake, no more Caelyn, no more Jacob. Dying never seemed so appealing.

I walk into my house, making sure not to lock the door. I go into my mum's cabinet and take out her bottle of sleeping pills and her whiskey. "I can't believe I'm doing this...but it feels like the best solution." I whisper. I walk into my bedroom. I sit down on my bed staring at the capsules I'll be consuming in only a few minutes. I smile. "Off to Wonderland." I look over into the direction where Dan's house is. "You'll be with me soon." I say getting a huge lump in my throat. I'll write Dan a not saying everything.

I grabs my pen and paper. I sit down at my desk. I think for a while trying to think of the best thing to say. I make sure to tell him that I love him and I hated doing this but it seemed so easy and so appealing, just blame my demon's and bullies. I walk back over to my bed and lay down so I'm comfortable. I poor about 20 pills into my hand. I grab the whiskey. I stare at them for a long time. I then sigh and put the pills into my mouth. I take multiple gulps of the whiskey and make a face. The alcohol burning my throat. I instantly feel tired. I get more comfortable and lay down. I can feel my heart rate slowing down. I don't want to do this. I change my mind. I can't do this. I can't leave Dan like this. I can't leave him heart broken with no one. I try to scream but can't. I try to move but can't. I'm already too deep. I can't go back. Today's the day I'm going to shatter and I don't even want to. No, no, no. I manage to barely say one last thing. "Goodbye Mr. Perfect. I miss you already. I regret everything. I'm so, so sorry. I love you always." My chest rises one last time. I take in my last breathe. Everything goes black. No, this can't be it, no, no no. I want Dan I want him with me and can't leave him a I can't leave him. I feel my last breathe leaving my mouth.

Goodbye.

After browsing my phone for a while I decide to go check on Phil. I put my stuff down and go downstairs. I walk out my front door and across to Phil's front door. I knock on his door. No answer. I ring his doorbell multiple times. Still no answer. I start to get worried. I turn the door knob to see if it's unlocked. It is. I turn the knob and go inside. "Hello?" I say. "Helloooo?" I say again walking up to Phil's room. "Phil? Phil, are you alright?" I open his bedroom door and gasp. "Phil?! Phil! Oh my god Phil!" Tears start to stream down my face. I see a empty bottle of whiskey and a empty thing of sleeping pills. "No!" I scream. I shake Phil. "Phil please, Phil please please please no." By this time I'm crying. Why would he do this? Why would he leave me? He said he loved me. "PHIL!" His chest isn't rising and there's no air coming out of his mouth. "Phil, oh go no Phil." I put my head on his stomach and cry. He left me, he really left me. My first and only love left me. I look up after a little. I've soaked Phil's shirt. I see a paper on his desk. I slowly stand up and look at it. It's addressed to me. I sit down next to Phil and read it out loud. "Dear Dan, I'm so sorry for doing this to you. I'm so sorry for leaving you. I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't take getting constantly hurt, I couldn't take not having a family, I couldn't take the pain of having to rely on everybody and never doing anything for myself. You can blame my demons and bullies. Dan, I love you. I still do love you. You were my first and last love. I just want to say that in last 3 weeks of being with you were the happiest I've been. I'm going to miss getting piggyback rides from you. I'm going to miss your smile and your laugh. I'm going to miss how my lips felt on yours. I'm going to miss how when I hugged you, you felt like one big giant teddy bear. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't handle seeing your face when they hurt me anymore. You'll find someone else, I know you will. Your Dan Howell. It'll be easy. I know you tried to protect me, and you did I very good job of that but, we both know this happiness wouldn't last forever. I knew that one day I would brake into a million pieces and that day is today. I love you, always. Goodbye Mr. Perfect, my Mr. Perfect
-Phil." After reading it I feel terrible. It's all their fault. It's their fault that I've lost the only one I loved because of them. I've never hated someone so much before. I lost my sunshine thanks to them. I start to cry. "They took my sunshine." I whisper crying. "They took my one mad only sunshine." I look at Phil tears streaming down my face. Take his head and put it into my lap stroking his hair. "You are my sunshine...my only sunshine...you make me happy, when skies are gray...you'll never know dear, how much I love you...please don't...take...my...sunshine...away." I start to cry even harder. I miss him. I miss him so much already. I take his hand and kiss it. "Phil, one thing that you got wrong is that, all along you were truly Mr. Perfect. We could've gone through this together but you took the easy way out and it's all their fault...IT'S ALL THEIR FAULT. They did this to you. Phil, you didn't deserve this. You didn't deserve this life...you didn't deserve this way out." I cry again holing Phil's head in my lap and his hands. "I love you...always. Goodbye, Sunshine, my Sunshine...my light."