You've always loved the Ocean

iv.

iv.

Night sets in quickly
crisp and clear and starry
with no sign of another shower to
quench the throbbing dryness in you
It's colder than the last
It's not the season for it be
as cold as you feel
but you half expect fog to
spout from your chattering teeth
Your body shudders weakly
worsening the already persistent
ache in your muscles
the Sun no longer pumping His warm
poison into you
gone from your sight forever
You can't tell how many hours you might have left
if you'll last even one
but it's not long now

You've always loved the Ocean
the way the stars twinkle above
and seem to wink, swaying in
the haze of your itchy eyes
The Moon shines bright and pale
almost full
hanging like a giant eye
in a black void
compliment to the one below

The Ocean is still and calm
light waves brushing against you
It rises to the surface once more
The Kraken, The Leviathan
swimming slow circles around you
playing with the water and foam
lights dancing across its scales
an Embodiment of waves

-

You know It hears the fading beat of your life
just as you listen to Its siren songs
Your mind too unraveled now
to even grip the notes of things
you've heard a hundred times
True understanding escapes you
Leaving you with vague impressions
of stories, of promises, of things
unknown to you
that you long for regardless

-

You watch It
the beat of Its fins
the silent undulating of Its body
almost jealous of Its freedom
the ease with which It moves
when you can't anymore
you want to reach out
and touch It, curious
but It's impossibly far
and too much

-

you don't know when you stopped shivering
the water traces its barbed fingers along your flesh
stifling your inner flame
replacing it with its false warmth
snapping strings
so that it doesn't feel like
it belongs to you anymore
just a thing floating limp and useless
detached from what's left of you
burning with death and emotions

-

even if someone found you
right now
it would be too late.

-

the Spirit grows bored of the empty surface
and sinks down beneath you
closer than the day, even closer than the
night you died
or should have
Its glow draws your gaze
calling
like the waves
that always drew you to the beach
to find seashells and treasures

the light took your hope with it
leaving only a hole
acceptance begins to creep
in with the numb
soon it will pry away the last of your strength
and you will drown

or the choice
the only thing left you can control
is when
do you keep fighting and savor the stars
the pains comprising your form
let yourself be strangled by the
vast waters you love
perhaps awake for it,
perhaps blinking away without warning
perhaps welcoming the cold, black
Ocean in on purpose
or should you give yourself to It
to know Its touch
and suffocate quickly in Its belly
your final resting place either way
there's hardly a difference

you don't know
you're afraid

-

you don't want to die
you don't want to die
but you do want the pain to stop
you didn't know there could be suffering such as this
you were foolish
are the last sensations of the Ocean worth this
agony
yes

-

you want to be
by the fire
safe at home
your father whistling
a shanty while
he cleans
his tools
mother fussing
and making
stew from clams
and rich shrimp

you want to climb
the lighthouse
the mast
the cliff

you want to
dive
swim in the surf
laugh with
your crewmates
sleep in your hammock
to the ship's rocking

you want to

live

but you can have none of those things now

-

all is too quiet
you still cling
a little longer
stubborn and afraid
each labored breath
whistling hollow
heart weak and too slow

it's strangely comforting to know
that you will nourish your unorthodox companion,
that It will carry some part of you with It
as It travels about the underwater world
somehow you know that It won't bite
not after the fruitless chance
It was kind enough to give you

-

I'm so tired, you whisper
or you think you do
not knowing if the words slipped past
the razor blades in your throat

Then come and rest,

is the reply
close and soft
an impression of
arms held out
Its movement stilling
for a moment
huge Moon eyes peering up at you
no longer a terror
but a friend

a soundless sob
I'm scared
you tell It
glad that It's here,
that you won't be alone
in the end
no matter how it happens

not scared of It anymore
no
only of death
the unknown that comes after
there are no answers

thank you
thank you
you tell It
sad that your hope
came to nothing
grieving that you
will lose the Ocean
though It won't lose
you
It's patient

-

you watch the ribbons
twirling
colors shifting
scales deep black
shimmering
down in the dark
all else a false vision
a false song

you listen to your death
what aches and pains
you can still feel
in your formless body
the cold piercing you
right to the core
fangs in your lungs

surprised that you're
still awake
thoughts tattered
but your choice
is in your hands

despite everything
you still love the Ocean
you choose

-

you watch
the stars forgotten
replaced by ones
unrestrained in water
shining for you
for you
calling

memories
dreams
drift
you take them
examine them
in no particular order
and
release

you almost can't let go,
your fingers unresponsive
locked in position
for relative years
as if they were broken and set in stone
shrieking and full of frost and sun kisses

you loosen them
one by one
precariously
whimpering at
the monumental effort
the hardest thing you've ever done

and you inhale deeply
one final taste of brine and air
the seconds it will last marking
the remainder of your life
you let go of everything
and you let yourself slip under
let yourself sink down

Down
into the Ocean's embrace,
your regrets and tattered hopes and frayed attachments
too weak to drag you back to the surface
salt needles in your eyes and sunburnt face
the Moon watches from the other side
Her light breaking, growing uneven and faint
your limbs drag listless above you
tentacles sliding into your vision
dancing greeting not touching
joining new sparkling streaking stars
and the bubbles you slowly slip from your
bruised lips to sink faster

Down
your ears hurting
ringing with
an incomprehensible reassurance
a thrum of patience rewarded
and you don't need to look behind you
to know that the Spirit is rising up to meet you
you can feel the water pressure change
when It opens Its jaws
pulling you

Down
lungs straining for air
the part of you that still desperately wants to live
crying out in silent terror
something warm touches you,
wraps around you and holds
warm and not false and real
massive teeth blot out the Moon
closing, sealing away the world
more coil about you
a swarm of tongues
passing you deep

Down
into
so gentle to your battered, touch-starved body
that another sob almost wrenches away
your last breath
flashes of coral colors
bright fish colors surround you
cascading back inside
black beating at the edge of your eyes
panic and fear war with
acceptance and love
you hold
seconds ticking
but you can't
you can't you need

Not yet.

you try
to listen
try to stave off
that deadly inhale
the moment of sheer wrongness
followed by utter calm
the few survivors speak of
It swallows
taking you

Deeper
into the caress of Its throat
the pull of muscles
the stars
blotted out completely
with darkness
until there is only
a distant awareness
of touch
until there is nothing
nothing but that need
pounding drum-like
and you can't take it anymore

water fills your lungs
heavy
stinging
a relief
you're blind
but that's okay

you exhale
inhale again

strangely
you don't vanish

slowly the black bleeds away
and the drumbeat recedes
eardrums popping violently
sharpening your awareness
you're surrounded by water
but you don't drown
each breath made with effort
each breath a little bit easier

Your sight clears completely and you blink, baffled.
You are in someplace warm and strange,
the Spirit's stomach, you realize.
The light is dim, familiar colors
pulsing through Its veins.
A heart beats in your ear
Huge and slow and as even
as waves smoothing out sandy shores.

You feel calm, comfortable even.
The fleshy chamber is not unpleasant,
not as huge as it should be
but neither small nor constricting,
just the right size to cradle you,
as if it was made for you.
Your evanescent body finally relaxes
into Its velvet embrace,
Its presence all around you,
long-clenched, screaming muscles soothed,
ice leeched from your weary bones.

Safe.

Rest now, Little One...

Water continues to cycle through you,
effortless now,
weighing you down almost pleasantly,
clean and tasting only of salt,
and you don't question.
Exhaustion digs its claws into you,
pulls you under, inescapable.
You know in your soul
that it's still too late,
all too much to recover from.
But what better death can one have,
you think, awed,
than to fade away into sleep
and feel cared for.

Your eyelids droop,
understanding now
the fulfilling of a promise
to bring no further torment,
only peace.
Knowing that your choice was right,
to consent to the gift of a soft place
to lay down your tortured body
and your aching spirit,
no longer adrift
but found.
Gratitude wells up in you,
overwhelms,
would spring tears to your bloodshot eyes
if you had anything left to give.
At last they close and you smile,
serene,
content with this fate of
knowing rainbows and humming song.

You float away, tranquil and
dreaming of the Ocean.
Just before you slip into
a deep, deep slumber,
there is a feeling, an echo
of hair gently combed through
and tucked behind your ear.
And, almost tender,

...you are mine...