Killugon/Gonkillu Oneshots

Grief

Cold

Grieving. It's the one thing Gon never really learned how to do. Sure, there was that one time with Kite but even then, he almost risked killing himself and the ones he loves. That... That didn't really provide a good example. At least he knew what not to do. Though, that's not to say he understood what he was going through.

Grief is a fickle and sensitive thing. When someone grieves, they're in a dark place in their life where only the people they love who love them back can truly pull them out of that drowning emptiness. But, what happens if that doesn't work?

What happens if one pushes the people, who tries to help them, away? Then what? Does the process get longer? Does everything stay the same? What happens?

Well, you're left with one conclusion: friends. They don't give up on you until you give up on them. They stay by your side no matter what, like a feeling of annoyance you can't shake off. They're what keep some people sane even if they do the exact opposite sometimes.

However, back to the original question, what happens if they can't help?

What does one do to ease the pain of loss? How can one handle the grieving process when they've lost someone that completes them. What? Nothing's working, nothing's changing. Gon still has the same bitter wound on his chest that won't stop throbbing with pain. Everytime he tries to grip the damn thing, it's like it never existed in the first place. It's been there ever since Killua died, he reckons.

Gon shivers under the below zero temperatures that threatened to freeze his eyes shut. The snow continues to breeze through, the occasional stray snowflake making contact with his dark eyelashes at times.

He moved here after the news. The general fondness for the place came from the fact that it snowed everyday, around the same amount, all year every year. It was enough to convince him that nothing changed. Time stopped. Killua was okay somewhere, travelling the world with his sister and showing her the reality she was shut away from.

Gon liked this life. He ended up learning the language of the residents of the town. He often didn't take a step outside the property unless needed, feeling as though it was too much of a change in his routine.

Fixing up the house came first, then cooking Killua's favorite dinner for 2, only to have one completely untouched. Gon wouldn't usually touch it until after he finished, staring out the porch for hours. He wasn't really searching for anything. Perhaps, all he wanted was the safety of distraction.

Whatever it was, he paid no mind to his real intentions. He wanted to remain frozen in time, denying the death of his loved one from cowardice. Lonely, he sheds a tear. What more can he do? Gon refuses to believe that... Killua is no longer with him anymore. He... can't believe it.

Exhausted from thinking, he lets out a breath, contrasting autumn eyes meeting the snowy powder beneath him and narrowing at the heat blown from his mouth. Gon takes one step forward, and continues to do so until he's in front of a pine tree. He brings his fist to the bark of the tree, pressing a weak punch out of frustration.

Then, he does another.

And another.

And another.

And another.

With the tree on its last limb, shaking slightly from Gon's half-assed Jajanken. With more freezing tears slipping down his face like melting icicles, he pulls his clenched fist back. Energy balls into a position and Gon punches with all his might, gritting his teeth. Half of the forest is blown down into twigs within seconds and Gon can feel that crushing weakness wear him down until he's on his knees and curled up into a ball.

Even after all these years, he thinks as he trembles in pain, I'm still as childish as ever. Right, Killua?

Gon inhales sharply before he's screaming as loud as he can, crumbling from the bursting amount of agony hitting him all at once. The risky walls he's built till now come down once and for all, not showing any mercy. The pure strain of it has him frail and vulnerable.

Gulping down the cry of anguish pouring out of his throat wasn't working and it sure as hell wasn't going to. Maybe if he apologized to Killua.

Maybe if he could have kept him by his side.

Maybe then he would have been able to protect him.

Maybe then... Killua would be here now.

It's when Gon feels his throat begin sore and grow tired from screaming that he finally notices the Zoldyck behind him. His eyes deceive him for a small moment and in that time, he thinks maybe Killua would come back to him; come back home.

However, that wasn't the case.

Because here Alluka stood, clearly heartbroken from the sight of him. She stands in front of him shivering like crazy, but something told Gon it wasn't because she was cold.

"Gon..." She cries, forcing the frown on her face to disappear. "What happened?"

Gon doesn't process the moment until he realizes it isn't Killua. Until he finally realizes that...

Killua isn't coming home.

"Killua... He... Damn it! It's not fair!" He screams, clutching his head in despair. "It's not fair! ... If we could just have five more minutes! If I could just hold him in my arms one last time."

He digs his fingers into his skull until the pain stops. "This isn't fair... It should have been me. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME! Killua didn't— he deserved better. He deserved eternal happiness with you. He deserved all the love in the world."

"...Don't say that." Alluka mumbles under her breath, standing still.

Gon hadn't caught it and turned his head in confusion. A little louder, she repeats her words.

"Don't say that."

He squints with an upset look in his eyes. By now, Alluka has had enough.

"Don't say that!" She yells while clutching her gloves. "Killua would have never forgiven you or himself if you died! Even now, he wouldn't like it if you thought like that. That's..." Alluka's frown deepens. "Killua would have been very sad. He wouldn't have liked that. He would have wanted you to move on and be happy so please. Gon, I'm begging you. You have to move on."

He stares with wide eyes, hands still stuck to his head. Eventually, they slowly fall back at his sides and with that, he picks himself up and meets Alluka midway. Gon pats her affectionately before smiling at her with as much effort as he could muster. The corners of her mouth crinkle as well and before he knows it, Gon's being hugged at his waist.

"You want to know something funny?" He asks.

Alluka lifts an eyebrow in confusion. "Hm?" She hums, pulling away.

Gon looks up at the sky. "At some point, Killua made me promise to take care of you, in case something happened to him. I did it without hesitation, of course, but I never knew what he meant by that. I'm sorry. I haven't been the best caretaker and that's my fault. I was just afraid. I'm sorry Alluka and from here on out, I will protect you with my life."

When he finishes, Gon watches for her reaction, finding that Alluka was staring at him with purpose. She hands him a box.

"Killua told me to come find you someday because he knew you'd run away. I'm sorry for taking so long, Gon. Killua loved you so much." She pauses for a bit before wiping away at her snotty nose. "You must know that much though, don't you?"

Gon brings her back into his arms, whispering a small "yes."

Grieving. It's something Gon recently learned was normal. Human, even. And the thing about grieving is that... it's a capricious thing, really. Now that he's really given a good look at it, he finally realizes how long he's been in denial. He knows that's a stage now. He knows it's okay to take as long as he needs because with patience and the support of his friends and sweet Alluka, time will slowly defrost. Eventually, he'll be free from his cold, icy, frost chains. Gon will move on.

And that's okay.

Word Count: 1417