The lost sister|✔️

Guilt

This chapter talks a lot about self harm, so here is your warning!

Kate's POV

My stomach hurt, it physically hurt knowing I broke the promise with Carter. I knew he wasn't mad, but I was.

Mad at myself for not calling him.

Mad I didn't tell him right after I did it.

Mad that I couldn't even on convince myself my own boyfriend cared about me or would make time for me.

I couldn't let myself get better, I was finally getting better. But one shitty day made everything I had fought for crumble to the ground. It was so hard to stop cutting and I finally did when I moved in with the Adams, but just like any other addiction I couldn't stop myself once I was alone and tired. But not just sleep tired, I was tired of fighting and tired of feeling numb. I barely feel human, the only time I felt normal was with Carter. When I'm not with him, my emotions almost turn off and the only thing I can feel is physical pain. That's why I cut, to feel something. I was slowly becoming mentally dependent on Carter, after so many years of fighting alone and protecting my brother I needed someone to carry me. Someone who didn't make me feel alone and that was Carter, my Carter. But I can't let myself depend on him for my happiness. For now I didn't mind sitting in his lap and watching TV in his game room. 

He is drawing shapes into my thigh as his ocean like eyes focused on the action movie he insisted we watch. It's a decent movie, a bit gory for me but I just cover my eyes at those parts. But I wasn't watching the movie for most of it, I was studying Carter's face trying to decipher his reasons for not being mad that I broke a promise that we made all of those weeks ago or why he keeps picking me even when I'm so fucked up. "It's rude to stare" Carter says out of the blue still watching the movie, my face heats up and I look down at my lap. He lets out a sigh and pauses the movie. 

"What's going on inside that pretty head of yours?" He finally looks down at me and moves a strand of my hair behind my ear. I shake my head and look down again, "You got two choices, tell me what you are thinking about or I start tickling" he raises his eyebrows as he tells me his threat. I can't help but smile at him, "Really? A tickle attack?" I question him. He happily nods and pulls me closer. 

"I feel guilty" I state looking him straight in his eyes, he nods and waits for me to continue. I shift in my spot to get more comfortable. "I lied to you and you aren't even mad" I start while shaking my head in hopes to understand. "Why aren't you mad at me for breaking our promise?" I finally ask, Carter furrows his brows and his grip on my waist gets tighter. "You're joking right?" He scoffs, I look down out of embarrassment. 

"Hey, look at me" He says with a soft tone, I meet his gaze and feel a little better. "You first off didn't lie, you just didn't tell me an event that happened. And secondly, I could never be mad at you even if you did break a promise. You were hurting and didn't know what to do, but next time tell me what's going on" He says cupping my jaw with both of his hands, I nod and look down. "I just don't want to be dependent on you" I state quietly, Carter sighs and places his head on my shoulder. "Kate" He whines dramatically, I smile at him and run a hand through his fully black hair. "In case you haven't noticed, we are kinda dating and when you are dating you lean on the other for support. So please for the love of everything good let me help you" He plead with both his words and eyes, I nod and force a smile. I lean on head on his shoulder and start playing with his hand. 

The sun was starting to set and I knew Dana would want me back home soon, but I didn't want to leave. She didn't apricate it when I wouldn't come home at night when I stayed with Carter, but maybe if I asked she would let me. I sat there thinking out it when I felt Carter placing a kiss on the top of my head. I look up and smile at him, he hops over the couch and pulls me into his side. "Are you staying the night or are you gonna leave me all alone" He pouts, I laugh and shake my head.