forever my baby

𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐲 𝐬𝐢𝐱

he gets out of my grip. "i love you." he kisses my head and leaves me on the couch. i grab a pillow and pull my heavy cast on the couch so i can cry into the pillow.

i feel lonely. i feel it in my bones. i feel exposed and naked. i feel vulnerable.

his presence fades away and all i have is the memory of him holding me.

i just cry.

i can hear them talking. "be gentle with her." i hear mason say.

the door closes and there's silence.

what do i do now?

there's footsteps on the stairs then footsteps coming my way.

there's a hand on my shoulder and i quicky move it away when i find out it's parkers. "don't touch me." i look at him as he sits in front of me. i move the pillow and wipe my face. he can't see me weak. i mess with my fingers as i calm myself down.

he reaches out to me but i look at him and he stops. "so i'm with you?" i ask when i'm calm. "yes." parker responds immediately. this has to be a trick. there's no way in hell i got back together with him.

"i don't mean to hurt your feelings or anything but why?" i ask straight up. beating around the bush won't help me. i need to know why i did what i did.

"because you love me." he looks hopeful. i bite my lip trying to member a time when i loved him.

the ferris wheel. the night at my house. when i found out i was pregnant. ben and jerry's.

but that was the past. i look at him now, trying to find out my feelings for him. he was still hot, fit and had those dimples. i remember how i felt about him when i was younger. it was intense but i don't feel anything right now.

"i don't feel like i love you." i say bluntly. i pretty much had no emotion anymore. i could tell i hurt his feelings. his body language changed.

"you love me." he grabs my hand and holds it the way i held masons. i try to take my hand back but he holds on tighter. i frown at him. "i used to." i'm scared of where this is going to go. things were always a lot with him. "you still do. you said it yourself. let me remind you." he leans in.

"i don't want to kiss you!" i lean back a little repulsed. i don't want him. "just kiss me. i promise you'll remember." he says and i want to slap him. who does he think he is?

i can only move back so much. he's practically over me now. "no!" i yell but it's too late. he kisses me and i don't know how to react. i accidentally kiss him back and he puts his hand on the side of my neck. i push him off of me, making sure to hit him with my hard cast. "i said no! how could i love you if you won't even respect my wishes." i feel weird.

i feel out of breath. there's a connection that links in my brain. i guess he wasn't lying, i did remember. i remember how kissing him felt... kind of dangerous. i can understand why i was so obsessed with him back then.

"it's the only way i could make you remember." he sits back. i feel caught off guard and a little bit violated. "i remember. it doesn't make a difference. i may have loved you but i don't now. i love you but i'm not in love with you." i contradict myself.

he looks like i crushed his soul.

"we were a family. we were happy. you were happy, maddy was happy." he goes on his phone then shoves it in my face. "look for yourself."

i grab his phone and freeze when i see a picture of the three of us in bed. my hair was the same. it wasn't red.

i keep scrolling. i get scared. it was like looking at a doppelgänger. i had no idea who that was. it was me but it wasn't. i had no memory at all. there were so many pictures. i give him his phone back and i look away.

"i don't know who that is."

"well i do! it's you and me and madeline! it's you finally happy." his voice is raised. i really hurt his feelings right now and not even on purpose. "i don't know what you want me to say. i don't feel that way for you. there's nothing, no connection. you're just madeline's dad."

i express how i feel. he gets off the couch and paces around. i watch expressionless. what was i supposed to do?

"i'm sorry." i apologize to do something. "this is so fucked. just when i thought the universe was on our side." he walks away and goes upstairs.

i feel bad but i don't because i wasn't lying. how could i love parker again when i wanted mason? for once my mind wasn't full of thoughts. it was totally quiet up there.

how did things get so messed up so quickly? i guess the universe isn't on my side either.