Valentina - [wlw]

eighteen

Evie looked to me with concern and patted my back to help relieve the coughing.

"Mommy are you okay?" Nani asked.

I just nodded and continued to cough until it calmed down. My eyes were watery and the table was a mess from my own ruckus.

Abby came in to help clean up the mess and dismissed the girls upstairs for me while I excused myself from the table.

I needed a moment to myself and a breath of fresh air.

I stepped away from the dinning room and out onto the balcony in the living room that looked over the city. I shut the door behind me and leaned over the railing on my arms, hanging my head to take a deep breath.

It still scared me to love again.

When I first thought about dating Evie the thought of loving her one day did cross my mind. Which is why I was so hesitant and careless enough to almost let her get away.

I swore to myself I'd never love again. But instead I broke that promise and here I am possibly setting myself up for another heartbreak.

If I was so scared, why did I allow myself to be in this situation?

I buried my head in my hands this time squeezing my eyes shut not caring if the tears that fell from them smeared my makeup.

I was tired of holding in every tear that I've refused to let out for over the past two years. The same tears I refused to show everyone at the funeral or when they spoke about Yolei years later.

To me it was a sign of weakness and I knew if I started I would never stop.

Every waking moment I spent with my wife was absolutely wonderful. It was something I'd never get back. I could no longer wake up to her beautiful blonde hair in my face or laying there in the mornings just staring and holding each other. Not saying a single word because our silence spoke thousands of words. Ones that expressed love.

I missed being in her embrace when she wasn't in mine. I missed her yelling at me for not cleaning the lint from the dryer and using all the hot water.

Which is why we always resorted to just taking showers together from then on.

She was my partner in life and when we got married we made a promise that we'd be there for each other until the end.

I just didn't think the end meant only a few short years later.

I cried harder into my hands, releasing every emotion possible and burning my eyes at the same time.

Life isn't fair.

You're not supposed to get married to the love of your life, have kids and then suddenly get winded with the news that the other has terminal cancer. Where was the happy ending in that?

Instead of living the life of my dreams. I had to be there taking care of my sick wife and two young children who didn't understand what was happening to their mama.

They were both very young when it all happened, but they weren't clueless.

They noticed her getting weaker, paler and the loss of her hair. I remember Nani always wanting to kiss the top of her head every night before she went to bed. She'd even help Yolei put on her beanie or head wrap of the day.

I looked up from my hands and brought them up to my mouth in a praying position. I sniffled staring out straight in front of me even though I couldn't see what was happening with the new tears forming in my eyes.

Loving Evie isn't what I was scared of. It was what the outcome of what could happen later on that scared me.

Somehow I felt as though I was stuck in an orb of bad luck. Like I was destined to be alone and have every relationship ruined.