"We have to talk. About this offer, you haven't decided yet and I need to know if you're leaving or not." Of course, this had to do with that, I curse under my breath at Tammi. "If you tell me, I'll help you out." His voice is steady, there's no getting out of this one. (literally)
A sigh escapes me as I try to get comfortable in this odd position. My body is angled to the side as though I'd be stretching my hands toward the outside of my legs, I hold myself up with my right arm and shift my legs to lessen the degree I'm bent at.
"Tammi- it's a hard thing to decide so fast! I've got months until the aptitude tests, I'll be fine."
He crosses his arms across his chest, "Rita, I'm serious. Have you even considered which faction you'd go to?" I shrug and my shoulder scraps against the drywall.
When I don't answer, he starts to turn around. I reach for him and say his name, "Yes, I have, okay? It's between Dauntless and... Erudite." Tamino's disgusted face makes me grimace, "I know it sounds bad, okay? But they are my only options, Tammi." I try to explain.
"Dauntless? Really? After the shit they did?" Tamino's brown eyes are dark with contempt.
I gnaw my bottom lip and stare at the dirty carpeting, guilt blossoming in my chest. It didn't even occur to me, all of the factions suck but some are far worse than others... Dauntless isn't perfect but I'd choose it over Abnegation any goddamn day. "Tamm-" I sigh, what could I even say to justify this? "Get me out so we can talk."
He's silent as he pulls me out of the wall. My shirt is covered in dust but I ignore it and focus on Tammi. "Hey," I hold his arms so he can't move. "I know it- if I had any other options, I would choose them. No doubt. But I'd rather be able to defend myself than ignore my own needs."
I watch as he clenches his jaw, he won't meet my eyes and it hurts. "Abnegation isn't the only other option and you know it," Tamino pulls himself away from me. "If David finds out, he's going to be pissed."
"I think he'd support me, I hope he'll help me, in fact."
"Help, how?" I ignore the anger growing in my chest from Tamino's stubborn tone.
My lip feels raw now, "He went through their initiation process... which means if I choose Dauntless, he can prepare me for it. So I won't walk in blind and fail and ruin this chance." I don't understand what isn't making sense, but I don't want Tamino to be angry with me, "Please try to see it from my point of view, Tammi. The last thing I want is to leave y'all. You guys are all I got... and I want to do you proud."
I can see the shine of tears in his eyes from his side profile, he looks at me; his eyes are blazing and his cheeks are red. "Rita, they butcher kids for fun and call it bravery. Is that something you want to be a part of?"
"You're wrong, I've seen Dauntless kids, they're all meatheads. Falling in blindly because it's all they know. Yeah, they're cruel but so is everyone else in their own way. Even we fractured are cruel."
Tamino's eyebrows crease even more so, "How are we cruel? We are stuck in poverty because of them." There's a new rage in his voice, Tamino has always been the softer one between us. The artist, while I've been the more practical and realistic one... I've never seen him like this before.
"I know and if I do well, maybe I could change things." He towers over me so I have to crane my neck to meet his eyes, for the first time I'm worried about what he'll do.
"You're one person, Rita. What change could you bring?" I feel tears rushing forward as he speaks, "They don't even listen to each other, why the hell would they listen to you? A Fractured teenager?" We're both crying now, only I'm not so angry anymore.
I muffle a sob with a deep breath, "Why are you being so mean? Do you think I wanted this? I don't wanna leave you, none of you. This is harder than you think." I pause and wipe my cheek, "I feel things just as much as you do, Tammi. You're not the only emotional one in the family." With that, I quickly return to the apartment, I ignore my mother calling my name and the sound of Ada asking if I'm okay.
For the first time in ages, I cry into my pillow. The sound is swallowed but my chest hurts from panting.
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