our own complexity

XIV

     10 minutes later, the crisis was over and I was laying under Polly's covers, full of bandages, and there was a cup of green tea on one of the nightstands. Polly's mom was caressing my cheek. Her hair was up in a low bun, like every time I'd see her and she looked at me motherly, for a second it felt like I could stay there forever and ignore everything at home.

     Then, she said, "I have to call your mom, Rosalie." I frowned. "There's obviously something going on with you. You could've gotten seriously hurt."

     I shook my head repeatedly. "Please don't," I whispered, my voice sounded rough and it hurt to talk. "I know I shouldn't have, but I just needed to get out of there. She'll just worry over nothing."

     "You have to go back home, you know?"

     "I can drive her in the morning." Polly stepped in suddenly. She had been standing in a corner on the other side of the room, leaning the wall and just looking. Looking at me intensely.

     Her mom sighed and then nodded softly, "Fine." She tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear. "You need to rest now." She stood up and left the room, not without saying goodnight before closing the door behind her. It was just Polly and me in the room. I was too scared to look at her.

     Eventually, she sighed and turned off the lights. I heard her steps coming near and then I felt the bed moving as she placed her weight beside me. Her back was in front of me. We were both silent for a couple of minutes. The loudest silence of my life.

     "Polly?" I called for her in a raspy voice. She didn't answer for a couple of seconds and for a second I feared that she was asleep.

     "Yes?" She said softly and my heart started beating like crazy.

     "I... Just... I didn't come here just because I wanted to get away from home," I whispered. "I kind of want to talk to you about something."

     I saw her body stiffen to my words and then she turned around. Being able to look at her face made me feel more relaxed, and I took it as a sign to go on with what I was saying.

     "I'm sorry," I said more loudly. It looked like she was looking at me expecting something. Like I was about to say the most important thing she's ever heard in her life.

     "Yeah? Why?" She breathed unevenly.

     "Because I wasn't there for you when you asked Neels to be your boyfriend." She let out a breath and her whole body relaxed, she turned her body and was now looking at her ceiling, her eyes became guarded. "You told me it was important and I left. I really thought I was going to be back in time but I wasn't and I deserve the fact that you're mad at me. I just wanted to let you know that I am sorry."

     "I'm not mad at you, Rose," she said plainly. My eyes went as wide as they could physically go.

     "You aren't?" She shook her head slowly. "Oh. I mean, that's cool, I guess."

     "It was embarrassing, so I am actually glad you weren't there." She chuckled and then I chuckled too. "Where even were you?"

     "I just... Me and... Um." I didn't know if it was a good idea for me to tell her, but there she was looking at me with those pretty curious eyes and it felt like I could tell her the even most embarrassing moment in my life even though she was probably there too. "I was hanging out with Julian."

     "Julian Dorian?" She asked confused, "You two alone? Why even?"

     "I don't know. I just like spending time with him... A lot." She frowned and then she gave me a look and then her face was in shock.

     "You like him?"

     "Maybe? I think so." Then, she smiled sadly, distant. "But don't tell anyone."

     "When did this even start?" She asked propping herself up on one elbow. Looking very interested.

     "I don't know exactly. I tutored him at some point, kind of, and that's when we met, but everything happened slowly."

     "Oh, so that's why he invited you to that party," she said in a realization state and I nodded. "I was so worried they were going to, like, prank you or something."

     I chuckled, "really? I mean it was kind of a bet."

     She chuckled a little and then there was a second of silence before she asked, "why do you even like him?"

     It took me just a second to say the first thing that came to my mind, "I like his eyes," I said and Polly looked at me like I was crazy, maybe thinking I was done explaining. "It's like, they're golden but if you look closely or when they're against the sun you can find the prettiest specks of green. And it's just so like him because, when we met, I thought he was this huge asshole that everyone liked just because his sister is pretty and popular and whatnot, but then, as time went by, I found the green spots. He's so alive, Polly. He's so caring when no one is looking, and he tries his best." I thought about every single tender touch he had given me. "He's also very funny and he has a way of knowing how much space he should give you when you feel like you need some. And I guess I just started liking him like everyone else, and then just a little more. 

"Oh! He also has the prettiest features. I didn't see it before but his hair is such a lovely color of brown, close to copper and his smile is just woah. His hands are cold too and it feels like we balance each other because I feel like everything is just burning constantly all the time..." I just let the words flow, pushed by my weary mind, and then Polly looked at me like she knew what I was talking about completely.

     "You have the fattest crush in Julian Dorian," she stated once I was done babbling, "Do you know if he likes you back?"

     I shook my head, "sometimes it feels like I know but then he does something and I go back to square one."

     "You do sound confused. Maybe you should stop thinking about him all night." I gasped and felt my ears getting hot.

     "I mean I bet you think about Neels this way too." I was not going to tell her how I thought Neels was the worse choice of a person for her to date and that she was making a big mistake, because she liked him for a reason, just the way I finally admitted I liked Julian, and those reasons were none of my business.

     "Yeah... Neels."

     "Are you okay?"

     "Yes, I'm just tired," she explained. "We should go to sleep."

     I nodded. I felt tired too. We both lay down and close our eyes. As I was drifting away, maybe it was a dream but I heard a quiet sob from beside me but I was just one step from the land of dreams, and maybe I'd dream about Julian, so I just let go.