Finding 'x'

•Really see me•

It wasn't until Hot cop's strong arms latched on to my waist and started to pull me backwards that I realised I had run right into the river without stopping to think of my nearly nonexistent ability to swim;

In fact, I was already knee-deep into the water. 

I allowed him to drag me all the way to the bank and yank me around before crying out what I had in mind;

"I would never do such a thing! I would never even think of hurting–" my ability to speech suddenly malfunctioned when Hot cop placed his index finger to my lips, leaving me totally speechless. 

He then looked into my eyes with his beautiful eyes that brightened up with so much emotion and whispered gently, "you don't ever have to prove your innocence to me, Bella. I know it's not you." 

If his action had left me surprised, then his words left me stunned to every fibre of my being. 

I kept staring at his eyes with my mouth agape, wondering why on earth a trained detective would repeatedly believe a piece of shit over crystal clear evidence. Even after all the mental exercise, I wasn't able to come to a reasonable conclusion as to how or why it was possible for a practical stranger to have such strong trust in me.

"What if it is me?" I suddenly found myself questioning. "What if I was the murderer?" 

His gaze was disconnected from mine immediately, he'd closed his eyes. 

"You cannot be the killer, Bella. I know you better than that–" 

And we were back to the 'Bella worship'.

Fuck!

"But then you don't know shit about me!" I flared up again, and rightly so. "you only know the little I've told you about my life and that doesn't even cut it. It doesn't tell what I'm capable of doing!"

He tried to hold my hand, but I was quick to take two steps back. He sighed once again. 

"I know enough–" 

"Enough to know I fucking stabbed my mother's husband seven bloody times and almost killed him when I was twelve! I'm one messed up bitch you shouldn't go around trusting for fucks sake! I am fucking capable of murder–"

"I'll be damned if you're capable of killing someone you love." Hot cop interjected in a relatively calm tone and just like that, I wasn't able to breathe a single word any more.

It took expertise to turn around fast enough hide the tears that had managed to escape my eyes. 

The bastard knew just how to get to me. He knew me enough to know my weakness and now he was using it against me. 

Fuck!

"I've told you before; talking down on yourself won't make me think any less of you."

I sighed and angrily wiped away the few more drops of tears that had manged to fall before turning around to meet his glare. 

"When are you going to see me for the filth I really am? When the bloody hell are you going to fucking see that I'm not worthy of whatever the crap you feel for me?!" A few more tears of frustration made their way down my cheeks as my trembling voice cried out. 

Hot cop only glared at me in a more intense manner and pocketed his balled palms. 

"You can either spend eternity trying to convince me to see something I have never and will never see, or you can get into the car and go back to whatever ruckus you've created in your school and help catch a psycho murderer." He stated in a calm tone that bellied the obvious anger in his eyes and strode towards his car. 

I turned towards the river and exhaled. At that point, I was sick and tired of everything and everyone. I just wanted to be alone for a moment;

I wanted to sit by this flowing body of water and feel the peace it brought. I wanted to forget all my troubles, even if it would be for just a while. 

I was, no doubt, now regretting the fact that I'd rejected the earlier offer of Hot cop and I would have asked for a second chance if I wasn't so mad at him for believing me to be what I was not and working me up over nothing. 

There was also this tinge of pride that wouldn't be able to bear his triumphant smirk if I begged him to let us stay. 

However gorgeous that smirk might be… 

"Or better still, we could spend the rest of the evening here, breathing in fresh air and getting to know each other… who knows? By the time we go back to our troubles, you will not have to call me 'hot cop' anymore and I will get to know you for who you really are." 

It turned out I didn't need to beg for a second chance, it was offered to me on a platter of gold. Or rather, in a woven basket and a playful tone. 

I gave the river a private smile before turning over to meet the sinfully beautiful, and triumphant, smirk of the hot cop and sighed when he threw a blanket at my face. 

Regardless of how much I wanted to be alone, I figured his company wouldn't be that much of a bad idea; provided that he didn't begin his 'Bella worship' at some point. 

As I failed at another attempt to do a perfect spread of the blanket on the grass, much to the amusement of Hot cop, I hoped for a fact that he would really 'see' me by the end of whatever this it is that we were doing. 

So uhm... happy holidays people!

It's been ages since I've posted and there are absolutely no words to convey how sorry I am for this. Life has been a roller-coaster for me since the last time, but I can promise steady updates from now.

There's so much I want to say and I'm sure there's a lot to catch up on from you guys as well.

I do hope you're good though, and I wish you a happy new year in advance.

Peace, illusionistic.