Our Nanny is a Boy || bxb

34. Two different persons

It happened like that. Peter left when his mom arrived, after telling her not to embarrass Robin too much. Then, he left in his car to go see Anita.

He told her about the Valium incident and the anxiety when Robin wasn't there, and she said: 'I'm seeing a pattern, Peter.'

He frowned.

'It's been 7 weeks now, right? Yet we have only talked aboout Leah during the first two sessions, as for the rest I've mainly heard you say the name "Robin" many times. Right?'

Peter nodded, but defended himself. 'It's because he is really important to me, I get the feeling more and more that I can't live without him, and I want it to stop.'

'Why?' 

'I am so attached to him that it hurts. I'm always scared to lose him and the fear paralyses me.'

'Hmm... you told me you had nightmares about Leah, but it switched to Robin from time to time. When was the last time you had a nightmare about Leah only? Without it switching to Robin?'

Peter had to think back a lot. 'Hm... a week after Robin became our nanny, I guess? Ever since the dream where Leah's accident changed into an accident where Robin was involved, he took her place in my nightmares.'

Thinking about it, it was strange indeed. Peter barely thought about Leah in these past weeks. Almost all of his nightmares and anxiety were now related to his fear of losing Robin, the memories that kept haunting him were those from the dreams.

'Then what happened to Leah?' Anita asked.

That made Peter wonder. 'I don't know... it's not like I don't miss her, but I am really occupied with Robin, I guess.'

Suddenly, he heard Robin's voice in his head. "I think you should cherish it more, because now it feels like you are trying to replace your memories with Leah." 

As the realization kicked in, guilt did too. Am I really trying to replace Leah with Robin? Not even just towards Leah, that is so mean towards Robin!

Anita observed him as he sunk his head in his hands. 'I'm sorry.' he mumbled.

'It's okay.' Anita said, waiting patiently for him to recollect his thoughts.

After a while of getting things sorted out in his head, Peter raised his head again, sighing. 'I feel like an idiot for not realizing this sooner.'

'Realizing what?'

'That I'm... using Robin to forget Leah. Instead of confronting my trauma, I've found yet another way to escape facing it.'

'That's a normal reaction.' Anita reassured him. 'Humans, when facing a scary situation, usually have three basic reactions. Ever heard of them?'

'Perhaps... the freeze-escape-face thing?'

'Yes, exactly. Now where do you see yourself in that scheme right now?'

'I'll have to think about that first.' Peter said.

'Sure, take all the time you need.' Anita said, smiling at him in reassurance. 

'Okay, um, I'm obviously escaping my grief over Leah, then. But then with Robin I can't and don't want to escape. And I want to keep him close but when he's not there, I freeze.'

Anita nodded. 'You see the pattern very clearly. So aren't you also facing something?'

'Oh wow, you do have a point there.' Peter says. 'Thanks, Anita.'

'You prove that you do have the ability to face things that are not so pleasant. Most people don't like to discover they are doing something wrong, and therefore don't face it. In your case it's not something you do intentionally, but it can be changed if you want.'

'Yes please,' Peter said, 'I really don't want to end up hurting Robin. I want to love him because he is Robin, not because he reminds me of Leah.'

Anita smiled. 'That's sweet of you. Hey, I have an idea. How about you make a plan for the next sessions? What exactly do you need to do in order to tackle this problem with me?'

'Um... well, you see, the reason why I freeze when Robin isnt in the house is because I'm scared of losing him. But my fear of losing someone comes from Leah's death, which I still haven't accepted. Right?' He looked at Anita for confirmation. 

'You're the one that knows yourself best, don't ask me.' she said, taking notes.

'Okay then. So I guess the first thing I need to do is accept that Leah and Robin are two different persons, then learn to accept that... Leah isn't here anymore, that might be the hardest past I think, and then I can learn to let go of Robin when I need to, tackling my fear of losing him. Is that right?'

'Sounds like a plan.' Anita said. 'But, "accept that they are two different person", can you explain that to me?'

'Ahh... it's because I just remembered that, especially in the first few weeks, I noticed a lot of similarities between the two, like their talent for cooking, their fierce spirits, their smiles, their smiley omelettes, their liveliness, their simple minds, they are really alike in a lot of ways. That could also be a reason why I constanly have a gut feeling that he is eventually going to leave me too.'

Anita nodded slowly, writing some more stuff down and then laying the pen down. 'We'll go with this plan then. Now Peter, I would like to give you some homework first.'

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Character development, my favourite part of every story.

And that's on self-love.