Our Nanny is a Boy || bxb

59. Worthless

Robin's POV

Robin felt terrible. His body was aching all over and his head just kept replaying the memory of yesterday over and over and over again. In that moment where he was totally trapped with no way out, he had felt so horrible, so worthless. Even though Rex alerted John and Peter just in time, he had still managed to take away Robin's dignity. When Peter found them like that and yanked Larry off him, Robin could swear he saw it in his expression, the shock. The shock of finding him in that position, more exposed than ever before. Completely vulnerable, about to be naked, weak.

And now, he couldn't even do his job because of it and on top of that, he was claiming the kids' dad as well. He just felt absolutely and utterly disgusting while he held onto Peter's hand like a lifeline. Why was he even here? Why would he willingly stay after seeing that?

He should've never have asked him to stay. In fact, he should've insisted for Peter to go away. But he couldn't. He simply couldn't. Because deep down, and he hated to admit that, he needed Peter.

***

He faked sleep so Peter wouldn't see his inner turmoil. He kept awfully quiet, waiting for the man to leave, but he refused to. Then finally, after who knows how many hours, he got up. 'Be right back,' he whispered, leaning over to press a soft kiss to Robin's forehead, a gesture that made him choke back a sob. As soon as the door closed behind Peter, he let it go, turning on his other side to face the wall.

He had just wiped his tears awat when the door opened again and a little body plunged on top of him. 'Robin!'

Yeah, now Robin couldn't pretend to be asleep anymore. He turned around and wrapped his arm around the toddler. 'Hey Davey, did you have fun playing in the snow?' The kid didn't reply, snuggling his face in Robin's chest and giggling. 'It's time for his afternoon nap,' Peter explained. 'Is it okay if I leave him here with you? John might need a hand at the ranch.'

Right, since Larry was gone now... wait, it was that time already? David's nap was usually after lunch.

'Oh yeah, sure.' Even better. Robin would be able to relax with David in his arms and he didn't have to feel guilty about keeping Peter to himself.

'Do you need anything to eat, by the way?' It's past lunchtime and you skipped breakfast too.'

'I'm not really hungry,' Robin said. 'You go ahead, though.'

'Yeah no, you shouldn't go too long without food. Something light? Buttered toast?'

'Hm, sure,' Robin said, too tired to object.

'Alright.' Peter disappeared and Robin snuggled with David's small, warm body. It was oddly comforting and Robin instantly felt a little better already. The three-year-old didn't care what he did, what he didn't do and how disgusted he was with himself right now. All he wanted was cuddles and it didn't matter who gave them. It made Robin feel a little less worthless and he had drifted off to sleep before Peter returned with the food.

***

He had a terrible nightmare, like a flashback of yesterday but distorted. One where Peter didn't arrive on time and was mad at him for being a sl*t. Which was completely unrealistic, for Peter had never been mad at him. Peter being mad was extremely rare, even.

Still, it freaked him out. And the nightmare was more than just that. Shadows of his past were dragged into it and suddenly he started remembering even more. About his dad and his mom - how hurt she would be, oh god - and... Isaac. G*dd*mmit Isaac, it had been over a year, why did it stil hurt?

He was basically gasping for air, having a fullblown panic attack. On top of that, his stirring caused David to wake up, looking confused before he started to cry. 'I'm sorry,' Robin said, quickly sitting up to pull him in his arms again. 'I'm sorry, it's okay, I'm okay, I'm-' But he started crying as well and just hoped David wouldn't notice. What a mess. What a horrible mess.

He leaned over and checked his phone. Okay, it was past 3PM, that was enough for David's afternoon nap, even though it was usually longer, but it was less of a big deal.

'It's okay,' he said again, patting the kid's back and kissing him on the top of his head, which finally made him calm down a bit, but Robin still felt like something was stuck in his throat and it made him almost unable to breathe. Even in David's presence, he couldn't keep himself together. What if that lasted? What if this time, he wouldn't recover. How was he supposed to look after Peter's kids when school started again? Oh god.

He needed to calm down. 'Do you want to watch a video on my phone?' he offered to David, which made his big eyes light up. 'Paw Patrol!' he exclaimed. So, with shaky fingers, Robin found Paw Patrol and handed the phone over before falling back and letting out a deep breath, focussing on calming himself down. It was just a dream, just a dream... But the reason he was freaking out was no longer just the dream, it was the memories as well, especially Isaac.

He closed his eyes, no longer able to fight it anymore, as a wave of memories took him away.

***

Noooooooo, make it stopppp

Behold, my latest obsession, which, coincidentally, suits this chapter like perfectly.