Our Nanny is a Boy || bxb

66. A new nanny

Robin returned later with two mugs of green tea, handing one to Peter and sitting on the other side of the couch. After a few sips, he asked. 'So, what's going on? Are your sleeping meds not working anymore? Are you still taking it?'

'I am,' Peter said. 'Everything is fine, but... it's David. He's just been having so many nightmares lately. I have to wake up at least three times every night and I just don't know how I can help him. I just sit next to him and comfort him, wait until he falls asleep again. It's nothing much, but I'm losing hours of sleep every night. I can barely remember my last full night of sleep.'

When he told the younger, he saw an expression of shock and guilt appear on his face. 'The nightmares are back?'

Peter nodded.

'Since when?'

Peter was hesitant. 'Since... since you left to stay with Alex, basically.'

Robin fell silent. 'Oh...' was all he said, staring into his mug.

'It's not your fault,' Peter said. 'Maybe I haven't been a good enough father to him. I think I allowed him to get too attached to you. We see you as family, but you're still allowed to have your own stuff. I should've taken that into consideration.'

Robin had been shaking his head from the start. 'No,' he said. 'It IS my fault. I should've been more aware of my mental state impacting other areas of my life. I really thought I was strong enough to keep it to myself, but I still end up collapsing under it.'

'No no no!' Peter said in shock. 'You went through a terrible thing that anyone could have collapsed under. You're allowed to be out of it. I understand that you need time and I'm glad your taking that time. It's just... I don't want you to bear it all on your own. We've talked about it. I'm here. You can talk to me, or you can't, that's up to you. But right now, I'm losing sight of you. You don't tell me anything at all, you even... seem to avoid me.'

'I'm not avoiding you,' Robin said. 'I told you, Alex-'

'Yes, I know. But the timing seems almost too convenient. You don't waste a minute when I get home from work. Is it really that bad if you get home two minutes later? Have you never thought of inviting Alex over for dinner here instead? And I'm not saying you have to come back, but please, at least be honest with me, I'm begging you. It's fine if you don't want to talk about what happened, but please, at least talk to me about other things, tell me how you're doing, what's going on in you're life, because I feel like you are slipping away from me.'

Robin bit his lip and took another sip from his tea, still avoiding Peter's gaze.

'You can't save me, Peter,' he then said. 'No matter how hard you try, nothing will change. I am broken. I have been for a while and I've known for a while, and this just proves it. Maybe...' He swallowed and Peter saw tears brimming his eyes as he said the next words. 'Maybe you should start looking for a new nanny.'

'No!' Peter almost dropped his mug on the floor. 'No, absolutely not. You are irreplacable, Robin. I know you're upset and hurt right now, but trust me, this is not the right decision. Where will you even go? What are you going to do? I'm sorry, but I can't just let you go. The kids need you... and so do I. We don't need you to be perfect, or always happy. We are content when you're around. No matter what you do, we love you. You are part of the family now. We can't just cut you off. That would be like cutting off a piece of our hearts. The kids - and I, I as well - we're not ready to lose someone else.' He tightened his hands on the mug despite the sharp stings the heat caused. He wanted to hug Robin, but he was afraid it would only make the younger more uncomfortable.

Robin finally looked up and stared into Peter's eyes so intensely that Peter felt like he was staring straight into his soul. 'You are using me to fill the void that Leah left, aren't you? It makes sense now, I've never been "just a nanny" to you, right? You see her in me. The kids love me. You're dreaming a dream about a little family of four like you used to have, but instead of Leah, there's me. You're confused and you're going to find out, one day, that I am not Leah and that I will never be enough to fill that void. And when that day comes, you will leave me, and- and-'