Forget The World

21

I woke up at 3:46 today and my eyes were stinging so bad,
I had a busy time at work but I guess I at least had a time, I should be grateful for that I suppose.
I got my arms clawed up by a (rather large) puppy and I guess it made me relieved because it meant I didn't have to break my two month streak. Progress!
I nearly threw up again when I was sitting down,
I think I've been eating too much,
It is too much to handle, forever.
It's funny how to me all food is always too much,
Yet everyone else says I am too thin and skinny.
Why do we have to globally idealise being skinny but then chastise people like me for not being able to eat?
Do not tell me off because I do not have the stomach for it,
It would be wonderful to be able to eat and not be forced into thinking about what I am consuming.
Why is it always too big or too small?
Why is everyone always so involved when they do not see me eat,
But then turn away and do not listen when I want to talk about my feelings?
Everyone for themselves I guess.
But then surely, what I do with MY body is noone's business but my own?

Anyways, also listened to five hours of slow and sad spoken word but it didn't make me feel anything,
It just made me realise how hollow I am.
I read the words of a deadman and for the first time ever I did not cry,
This is testimony to how empty I am.
These are the things that I usually use to pull me out of my nothingness,
Today I remained vacant regardless.
I tried to read the bible as a way to connect with my mother but it just made me angry.
Tried to also sort through old paperwork and artwork but it just made me cry without feeling; emotionless crying,
Because there was just too much and I guess I'm just too overwhelmed.
But overwhelmed with what I do not know
Because I have not left the house in five months except to go to work.
I am trying to focus on just the positives,
But it is hard because there are no positives to focus on.
What do you want me to focus on? Nothing good is around,
Do you want me to focus on how I cannot hold my girlfriend's hand right now,
For almost half a year I have not touched her hands.
I am touch starved enough as it is,
I do not remember the last time I had a hug.
Man, I just want a fucking hug, is it too much to ask for?