It's amazing how much your life can change in such a short amount of time. Two weeks ago yesterday, my dad told my mom that he wanted a divorce. He took his all of his stuff and left, and has been living at my uncle's house ever since. In six days, he's moving halfway across the country.
My brother and I had a bit of warning before he talked to my mom. He told us five days ahead of time to give us time to let it sink in, so it would be easier for us to handle once he was out of the house. He also told us ahead of time so we could think about what we wanted to do; stay here, or move with him. When he talked to me, I didn't even hesitate when I said I wanted to go with him. Since then, I've been wondering why I was so quick to say I would leave. Why would I want to completely uproot my life that I've had here for the last seventeen years, and ride into the sunset on only a chance that life might be better out there? Why would I want to leave my mom, my brother and sister, and my friends? Like I've said before, I can't stand this town, and I would do anything to get out of it. I didn't realize it until recently, but I would do absolutely anything to get out of here. If he was moving to Alaska, I would have probably given him the same answer. I don't care where I go, as long as it's not here.
I went for about a week thinking I was moving halfway across the country. I didn't really know what to think during that time. My mom was really strong about everything, and I'm really proud of her for taking it like she has been. I knew she was strong, but the last two weeks have proven to me that she is, without a doubt, the strongest person I know. I walked around thinking about moving non-stop, looking around and thinking that I was about to leave everything behind for good. Its amazing, the things you see when you think you're about to lose everything you've ever known. The color of the leaves, and watching them fall to the ground. The feel of a winter coat blocking out the cold. The sound of snow crunching beneath your shoes. The feel of the cold air numbing your face and ears, except now it doesn't annoy you, it actually feels nice. I feel like my eyes have been opened to so much more, and my perspective on life has expanded drastically.
Last weekend my life yet again took a huge turn. My best friend offered for me to live with her, up where I grew up. At first I didn't even think about it. I had made my decision, and I was going with my dad. We had everything planned out, and I wanted to stick to the plan. But when I got home and I talked to my mom, she laid it all out in front of me. If I live with my best friend, I can have my old life back. All my friends, my school, my town, everything. It took me a few minutes for it all to sink in, but when it did, it hit me like a train. I could go home. I sat on the ground and completely broke down. I could have it all back. I had spent so many nights my first year here crying myself to sleep because I felt like I had been cheated out of my old life, and thrown into one that I didn't want to be in. I had spent four years wishing I had done so many things differently, most of which to convince my parents to stay up there. Now, I feel like my wildest dreams are coming true.
However, every dream comes with a twist. Since I decided to go back to my old town, that meant I wasn't going with my dad. Telling him that was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Seeing the look on his face made me feel like the worst person in the world. It brought me back to all the things I've been thinking since this all happened; I'm selfish, I'm a horrible person, I don't deserve to hurt people like this. But no matter what I do, I'm hurting someone.
So it all came down to what I wanted more. Obviously staying in my town was not even an option for me anymore. The funny thing about all of this is how lucky I feel to have these options. Moving out where my dad is going has been where I've dreamed of moving for a really long time, and moving back to my old town has been a dream of mine as well. Two of my biggest dreams could become reality. But I could only choose one.
It took me two days to decide what to do after I was given the option of living with my best friend. It came down to two main thoughts; Did I uproot my life completely and take a chance, or did I go back home and pick up where I left off? In that time I had a few breakdowns, a panic attack, and multiple times where I just wanted to smack my head against a wall until I went unconscious. It was on my mind every minute of the day.
In the end, I decided that I'm going to go live with my best friend. I made myself take a step back and face reality. If I take a gamble and leave with my dad and it ends up not working, I'm going to look back and see that if I had gone home, I would have had a great time in high school, and I'll regret leaving. I know that a lot of things are going to be different when I go home, but a lot of it is going to be the same. I've been talking to some of my friends, and they're all excited for me to come back. Where can I go wrong with that? Sure it won't all be smiles, but it's the best option I have, and I'm extremely excited to go back. Living without my parents and my brother will be hard, as will the fact that my dad is going to live halfway across the country and he's going without me. Even writing that makes me want to cry. But I have to keep thinking that by doing this, I'm giving myself the best option of having a better life. The last four years haven't been very good for me, so I'm ready for a change. I'm definitely ready to start living again.
Wish me luck!!
Until next time :)
