Guardian (Nishinoya x Reader) 🏐

Chapter 41: Recovery

*1 WEEK LATER*

*Y/N's POV*

It's only been a week... but I already feel like giving up.

It's been so hard on me.

The meals seem impossible to finish and I constantly feel so ill from all the sodium and sugar in the content of the food. How can that even been healthy? I thought they were going to help me get better, both physically and mentally. But instead, I feel like I've taken ten steps backward.

I just feel so worn down. I don't want to be around anyone. I want to cut myself off from the real world, curl up in bed, under the warm covers and shield myself from all the negativity that exists.

I feel worse than when I had started trying to recover. Not only is it more difficult to eat, but I also feel so helpless and worthless. All the energy and positivity that used to radiate from me has vanished. My motivation has spiraled down the drain. It's a feeling I haven't needed to deal with since before high school. But now it's back, like a dark shadowy mist, feeding off my fear and growing inside me.

Every night after treatment, I immediately sprint for my room. Shades closed and lights off, extinguishing any bit of brightness left to shine. I sit on the carpeted floor with my knees huddled into my chest and my back against my bed. Tears silently roll down my face as I quiet my sobs, afraid to let anyone see me at this low of a point.

Tobio has attempted to talk to me several times, but I'm so lost in my mind that I can't hear a word he says. I feel terrible, treating him like this, but it's been difficult. Yet, despite my attitude, he still comes in every day to check up on me. He sits by my side and squeezes his long legs as close to his chest as he can, and silently puts a comforting arm around me, allowing me to rest my head on his shoulder.

He hasn't visited me yet today.

But I guess I also don't even know what time it is.

I probably wouldn't even know what day it was if it weren't for the fact I wasn't in treatment today. Therefore, it's Saturday... or maybe Sunday. I can't even remember. All the days just mash into one now.

While my mind can do nothing but spiral.

Into a deep dark pit of fear and hopelessness.

Falling deeper.

And deeper.

    And deeper.

Into a seemingly bottomless pit.

*Nishinoya's POV*

"She won't talk to anyone," Kageyama informed us. His eyes red and puffy as if he was crying... or just in pure distress and worry. "As soon as she comes home, she plops herself on the floor, hugging her knees to her chest, crying silently in the dark, not speaking a word."

"Why haven't you told us this sooner?" Sugawara expressed in an annoyed, angry expression.

"She - She looks unwell. I-I know you guys care for her too and I didn't want you to worry." He let out a heavy sigh, recalling how worried and panicked he's felt all week, knowing his sister was in this state. Knowing she wasn't okay and not being able to do a thing about it. "I'll let you guys see her, but since you've never seen her like this before, i-it might take a toll on you. I'm just warning you guys..."

"Maybe you should go first," Sugawara looked at me. "She probably wants to see you," he paused briefly. "No, needs to see you."

I just nodded my head silently, worried about what the scene in front of me would look like. I couldn't bare to see Y/N so closed off and unlike her self.

Slowly I turned the knob to her bedroom door and gave it a light push open.

I scanned the dark, gloomy room for any sign of Y/N. Finally, I spotted her on the floor at the head of the bed, staring straight ahead at the blank wall, knees curled to her chest.

I quietly walked over and crouched down in front of her, obstructing her line of vision.

At first she didn't react. She kept staring straight ahead. But suddenly she seemed to notice me and her unusually dull, lifeless eyes drifted to my own.

"Hey," I breathed out.

Silence.

I held my hands out for her to hold. She shifted her gaze to my outstretched hands, thinking for a moment as if deciding if it would be safe.

Hesitantly, she took both her hands in mine. The first real movement I've seen from her.

I helped her to her feet and immediately pulled her into a tight hug.

"Talk to me, please. What's wrong darling?" I rubbed my hand up and down her back, never wanting to let go.

"It's so much harder than I expected," she croaked out. I was shocked she even spoke, but decided to take advantage of it.

"Tell me what's going on. We can talk it through together," I stared at her longingly.

"No exercise. Large portions. Unhealthy food. Emotionally exhausting." Her words were short and brief, but to the point. "I lack the motivation. I've been so discouraged to eat. I feel like I've taken ten steps backward from where I was."

"Y/N, it's not going to be easy. Facing your fears head on never are," I explained to her. "Recovery isn't going to be perfect. There will always be bumps in the road that you will have to overcome. But you are so strong and I believe in you."

Allowing my words to sink in, her eyes seemed to have filled back up with life and returned to their gorgeous, shimmering blue color.

"Recovery is not linear."

———

*A/N: I'm gonna be honest you, Reader-Chans. Lately, I haven't been doing too well and have been slipping back into unhealthy habits, even though I am now a healthy weight. I received blood work... and unfortunately declared levels of malnutrition. BUT as this chapter says, RECOVERY IS NOT LINEAR. And am reaching out for support by eating meals with friends and reducing the amount of exercise I've been doing.

We will have our slip ups or days where we are not as motivated. But this doesn't means it's over. Keep pushing through. Every hour, every minute, you have the opportunity to fix things. Do it for yourself. You deserve it. ❤️