Sugar, Baby?

good enough?

A/N: this pic of them makes me stupidly happy and idek why✨

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"Perrie, if you're gonna wear Jesy out all night, can you please do it on a weekend next time? I can only put so much concealer under her eyes and she can't exactly go into the interview and say "oh sorry I look a bit tired I was busy getting rawed all night," Aaron says sarcastically.

     "Bloody hell, Azza," Heidi groans loudly. "This is the last time I ask you to help me color correct."

     "I'm gonna file a sexual harassment suit," I tease drily.

     "I'm constantly sexually harassed just by your presence, Perrie, but I never make threats," Aaron says matter-of-factly.

     "That's 'cos you love it," I say with a wink.

     Aaron fans himself.

     "Ooh, yes, I do," He says, blowing out a breath and shaking his head quick.

     "Aaron, we're color correcting," Heidi reminds him, motioning back to Jesy's face.

     I glance over at her then only to find her already smiling at me.

     I love you, I mouth.

     She just smiles.

---

Our week with Leigh passes swiftly. I hadn't realized how much I actually do in a day until I had Leigh there to complain about how tiring everything was.

     Still, by the end of the week, I don't feel like what I do is enough.

     Jesy makes good on her promise, letting me sit in on the session with Kamille. I don't speak much, and when I do, I'm not confident. Everyone's ideas are just so much better than mine, it seems, and I'm more than a little discouraged.

     I know Jesy can tell, but she's kind enough to not say anything. Still, I can't help but wonder what's going on in her head. Is she regretting letting me join in on the music making side of things?

     I'm on a negative spiral, all sorts of thoughts invading my mind about how I'm not good enough to be on Jesy's team, how I'm not good enough to be her partner. I was hired on as a sugar baby, and maybe I should've just stayed in my fucking lane.

     I go into overdrive the next few weeks on the sugar baby front, making Jesy moan my name wherever and whenever I can. She must notice that I can't keep my hands off her, even more than usual, but she's not exactly complaining.

     She rejects me one night- she's very kind about it, kissing me softly as she asks if we can wait until tomorrow, since we've gotta be up in just a few hours and she's exhausted- and it sends me even further into the abyss of self-doubt.

     I manage to rein my outward reaction in, though. I might be freaking out on the inside, but on the outside, all I do is gently kiss her forehead and tuck her in my arms, tickling my fingers along her back until she falls asleep.

      Though I'm usually the better sleeper of the two of us, there's no way I'm sleeping now. Not with all that's going on in my head.

     I'm more than a little mad at myself for letting my need to prove my usefulness get in the way of how attentively I've been caring for Jesy.

     Over these last few weeks, I've been so obsessed with performing my "sugar baby" duties perfectly. I've let my insecurities about being necessary to Jesy in some way, even if it's just sexually, get in the way of being her girlfriend. It's become all about sex- not about making sure she sleeps enough, or eats enough, or is feeling loved. I've turned our relationship into what exactly I signed up for it to be, and it makes me want to scream.