Equilibrium

Chapter 34: Luka's POV

Trigger Warning: This chapter discusses topics like character death, alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual abuse, and child abuse/physical abuse. Read at your own risk. If you do not want to read this chapter, dm me (@some_dam_pjo_content on Instagram) and I will give you a rough summary of what happens without too many details.

Chapter 34: Luka's Pov
I don't know how to feel about all this. We're sharing our feelings? She hates me, why would she want to do that?
I feel so bad for Jackie, I really do, but I just don't understand why she would keep Maple's death from me. That's an important event that happened during our quest and I just feel like she would be obligated to tell me straight away, not when she's telling me about her past life and how depressing it was so I can't even get irritated? Ugh, I don't even know anymore. I get that her life was bad but so was mine. If she's using all this as an excuse to treat me like- you know what? Nevermind. Maybe I'm being selfish. I just don't get it.
Don't get what you may be asking? A lot of things. Let me enlighten you.
First off, this girl constantly tells me she hates me and that I'm a dumbass? Stupid? A bunch of names that honestly hurt me. And yeah I have feelings too, just cause I'm a guy doesn't mean that those words don't hurt. Secondly, why does Jackie flirt with me if she's not interested? Is she really that much of a player that she has to play with people's feelings? I mean, she started flirting with Maple as soon as we met her, and she kept crooning over how she thought Calypso was hot.
I'm just so confused at this point. I can't tell if she actually likes me or if it's some kind of game to her. And now this? Now I feel for her. But I'm also angry with her for confusing my feelings. Ugh.
Jackie sniffled pulling away from me, "I think I'm okay now." I nodded my head, giving her a little smile. No matter how confused I am and whatever mixed feelings I have for this girl, I have to keep thinking about that goddamn word. Equilibrium. I despise it. We have to keep Equilibrium between us, avoid fighting. Maybe I should tell her?
No. Then she'll think I hate her and that I'm messing with her feelings. It's not that I hate her, I don't.
Not anymore.
I just get frustrated sometimes and I need to hold that all in, I can't say anything that will trigger her fight mode. And whatever is going on between us is just so confusing at this point that the thought of putting a label on anything terrifies me.
"If there's anything you want to talk about, you know, vent, then I'm here to listen, ok?" Jackie murmured, looking up at me with a cute pout.
UGhH snap OUT of it Luka!
"Um, I mean, don't we all have problems though?" I answered, laughing it off. It hurt too much. And to be honest, I totally related to Jackie, I'd been abused too. She wasn't alone.
I wanted to tell her now, I wanted to tell her everything. Someone had to know the entire truth and she was only person in my life at the moment, as strange as that sounds, that might understand.
So I told her.
Go Luka, let's talk about more sad stuff! Yay!
"My mom died a couple months ago. I miss her so damn much. She was my best friend, my mentor, my favourite person in the whole world, and she's dead now. I moved in with my grandpa after... she passed. But he was so consumed in his own misery that he didn't care for me. I was on my own and I hated it there, so I ran away. After that, I ended up at camp, and, well, you know the rest."
Jackie looked at me with sympathy in her eyes. "How did she die?" She asked softly. I looked at her straight in the eyes. Could I really trust this girl?
Yes? No? Maybe? So?
Yes.
"She was in a car with this guy she was seeing, and I guess they got into an argument or something because he got distracted and crashed the car. When he saw how badly mom was hurt, he got scared and ran away, leaving her in the car unconscious, but not dead. The bastard could have called an ambulance and saved her, but no. He left her to die. When they found her body in the abandoned car, she had been dead for hours." I sighed, so close to crying. This was the first time I had talked about it, and I didnt know how to feel.
I missed her so much.
"What happened to the guy?" Jackie asked, looking angry for some reason.
"They found him a couple states over about three weeks after. He's on trial for second degree murder now."
I wanted to kill the bastard. Who cares if I went on trial for 1st degree murder instead? At least I would get my mom some justice. I loved her more than anything, but the one thing I didn't like was her taste in men.
I hated the guys she dated. The thing I want to avoid the most, is becoming like them. If I date someone, you best believe I'm treating them right.
But I do expect the same in return, and Jackie constantly degrades me so why would I even want to have feelings for her? It would just hurt me even more than I already am. Gods, why am I such a sad piece of crap today? We're both emo, wow.
"That's horrible Luka, I'm so sorry," she whispered, scooting closer to me and grabbing my hand.
I sniffled, close to becoming a sad, teary mess just like Jackie was not too long ago.
"There's more," I said, my voice wavering, "I've actually never told anyone this before, not even my mom, but knowing that you went through something similar, in a way, I finally want to talk about it."
Jackie nodded, "You can tell me anything Luka, I'm here for you."
I took a deep breath. "My mom dated this guy from when I was around seven to thirteen. He was a complete douchebag and hated me so much, for no reason, really. In the beginning he would just threaten me, saying that mom was 'his' and that I needed to stay away. But when that didnt happen, cause you know, I was a fucking child who needed his mother, he would beat me. I told my mom that I had fallen down the stairs or something, or gotten in a fight at school, but she kept getting more and more worried about me. The bruises were so bad, he almost broke a couple bones once. Just as I thought it couldn't get any worse-" My voice cracked and I let a tear fall down my face, "He started to, to-" a sob escaped my lips. Jackie pulled my face down to her shoulder, wrapping her arms around me tightly, practically squeezing the breath out of my lungs.
Oh how the turn tables- ok this totally not the time for an Office reference, but let me live.
"You don't have to tell me, Luka," she whispered into my ear.
"But I want to, Jackie," I was choking on my own tears at this point, "He started to molest me. And of course I couldn't tell my mom because I was afraid he would kill me or start hurting mom instead, and I just felt so helpless and used the whole time, and it may not seem like it to you, Jackie, but I'm a person too and I have feelings and that period in my life was the worst. I'm just a sad mess and I just don't want to elaborate on the topic anymore except that it was just the worst thing ever and now I'm just a ranting idiot, I'm sorry."
Jackie looked shocked to say the least.
"I'm so sorry Luka, so so sorry." She pulled back from me to look at my face, somewhat taken aback from what I had just confessed. I knew she had tons of other questions, but I was so overly emotional that I would've just melted into a puddle of tears.
Guys cry too.
"I don't want to talk about this anymore, Jackie, it hurts too much." I said lacing my fingers through hers.
"I know," she said, "But just know that if I ever meet that son of a fucking bitch I'll beat the living daylights out of him."
I brought my face level to hers. "To be fair, you'd do that to me too if you had the chance." She giggled, "True. Only if you deserved it though."
I wanted to forget. And I knew that she did too, so for the second time, I brought my lips to hers and kissed her.
We melted into each other, holding on for dear life, and for the moment, that was all we needed.