Equilibrium

Chapter 13: Jackie's POV

Luka is busy talking with Percy in the doorway, and I'm about to get up and follow him out, but Annabeth puts a hand on my shoulder to stop me.

"Hang on a sec Jackie, I wanted to talk to you about something." Her face is serious and a little concerned, which scares me a bit. Annabeth had always seemed to know what was on my mind in the past. I'd met her a few years ago at camp and we were never super close, but she was always very sweet towards me and I trusted her with my life.

"Oh! Okay, uh what's up?"

"Well... now that you're finally out of camp, I know that you know you have a job to do, just, ah, don't... don't get sidetracked," She mumbles.

"What do you mean by that?" I'm confused. Annabeth usually gets straight to the point, but something's off. It's like she's trying to avoid saying something.

"Uh... you know..." she hesitates and I raise an eyebrow, "Just- were you planning on visiting... her?" Oh. Realization dawns on me and suddenly I'm at a loss for words. She means my mom.

"I- Uh..." I start to speak but I just trail off and stare at my feet. "I don't- I don't think that would be a good idea." The memories suddenly come flooding back to me and I don't even notice I'm crying until Annabeth wipes a tear off my face and pulls me into a hug.

"Shit. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry. Hey Jackie, it's okay. I just didn't want you to go back to that place. I know you have a good heart and thought you might've gotten some idea to go check on her or something for some reason but I was worried she'd hurt you again or something and I just wanted to prevent it-"

"It's- it's okay. Really it's okay-" I stutter over my words, pulling myself out of her arms to hug my knees. I'm shocked that Annabeth cares that much about my well-being. I'm always surprised when anybody cares about me, to be honest. I'm not really used to mattering.

"Okay, well, if you need any help or anything, just give me a call. I'm always here." Annabeth gives me a worried little smile and I give her a watery one in return. Holy Hera she's going to make me cry all over again.

"Thanks, Annabeth." I stand up and turn towards the door to leave when I see Percy and Luka staring at me. Oh gods. I'd forgotten they were here. Percy, being polite, averts his gaze. Luka however, just blinks in utter shock, like he's surprised I can cry. I just stand there, feeling exposed, and not liking a single second of it. What the hell is wrong with me?! Percy clears his throat and breaks the silence.

"Ah, well, um, see you guys sometime soon, hopefully. Good luck on your quest."

"Thanks," Luka shoots him a little smile.

"Yes, good luck, and Jackie, remember what we talked about," Annabeth gives me a meaningful look and I nod, then turn my gaze to the floor, staring at my beat up black high top converse so hard I'm sure I'll burn holes right through them with my eyes. I feel like running away, curling up in a ball, and pretending like the world doesn't exist. Frozen in place, I hear the door creak open, but it sounds muffled and distant. This sick feeling of foreboding washes over me and all of a sudden, I'm not liking the idea of going on this quest. I'd much rather just sink into the floor of the Jackson home and stay there for eternity. Somebody slips a warm hand into my own, gently pulling me towards the door, and I snap my head up, suddenly regaining my senses. It's Luka. Shocked, I just stare into his blue eyes for a second before hastily tugging my hand out of his and rushing out the door ahead of him, speeding down the stairs two at a time.

I exit the building and whistle for Harper. As the hawk lands, I slide onto his back and try to steady my breathing. Luka appears in the doorway of the building and wordlessly mounts Harper behind me. He hesitates to wrap his arms around my waist this time.

"Er- is it okay if I-" He stutters awkwardly.

"Yeah. Whatever." He pauses for a moment, and I can almost hear him thinking 'Are you sure?' so I give Harper the signal to take off. He happily complies, flapping his massive feathery wings and lurching off the ground. Luka is thrown forward by the momentum and hastily wraps his arms around me tight, probably out of the fear that he'll fall off. I gently stroke Harper's feathers as he soars above Manhattan, trying to take my mind off everything that just happened. I don't know what came over me. One moment I was fine and ready to take on the world, and then the second Annabeth mentioned my mom I turned into a complete mess.

And then there was Luka... why had he grabbed my hand of all things? And the look in his eyes when I'd pulled it away.... hurt? Surprise? Pity? It was hard to read in the moment, but I don't want him to pity me. I don't want anyone to pity me. I just wish someone would care about me. Is it silly to think like that? Maybe. Annabeth cares, but there are other people who matter more to her. It's just a fact. She would put Percy's safety over anybody else's any day. I wish someone would do that for me. I'm so so tired of being unimportant and unloved and used. So fucking tired. Goshhh here come the waterworks again.

I sniff quietly and wipe at my eyes angrily, feeling like a useless, moping piece of crap for the thousandth time in the past hour. I feel Luka's arms tighten around me and I freeze up for a second, my whole body tense.

My first instinct is to pull away or yell at him, but for some reason, I don't think I really want to do that. Instead, I surprise myself, and probably him too. I scooch backwards a bit and then lean back against his chest and will myself to relax. He lets out a surprised little noise but just adjusts his arms around me and doesn't say a word. I silently thank him for that in my head. If he had asked me what I was doing I might have just thrown myself off Harper's back, because honestly, I have no clue what's gotten into me.

I let my eyelids flutter closed and try to take my mind off the world, just for a second, and focus on Luka hugging me from behind. His breath tickles my neck and I shiver. He seems to notice and pulls me against him a little more snugly. I just let out a content little sigh and feel myself start to drift off.

"Luka, I'm gonna-" a yawn cuts me off mid-sentence, "take a nap."

"Go ahead Jackie, I won't let you fall," He murmurs softly. I give him a smile he won't even see and allow myself to fall asleep in his arms.