Equilibrium

Chapter 32: Luka's POV

What am I doing?
I made it clear to myself that I don't like her and I'm not ready for a relationship, so why am I holding her hand? I honest to gods don't know what's wrong with me. One minute I know what I want, and the next I go the opposite direction. I'd somewhat accepted that "rebound" wasn't exactly the right term to explain why I'd kissed Jackie. One minute I think maybe she isn't half bad, and then I start getting all these messed up emotions, but the next I'm just shutting down any feelings I've had towards her at all because I'm afraid of what would happen. Afraid that we'd fail this quest.
Maybe I just want to be happy.
But how will Jackie help with that? She constantly tells me how much she hates me and how much of a dumbass I am. She will never make me happy.
Just sad. And ashamed. Ashamed of who I am.
Who am I really, though? As we walked and Jackie and Leo made small talk, I let myself think about my mom. I miss her so so much... sometimes I forget how to function because it feels like there's this black hole of doom sitting right in the middle of me, stuck with no way out.
Only Mama could fix that. But of course, she's gone, and I'm stuck with a girl who hates me so much that I'm starting to think that I was just a fling to her too.
I let my mind wander even farther, into the good memories... The Sonnett my mom would sing to me when I was little, the one about Apollo. I guess it makes sense now, she must have known about this side of me all along.
How did that piece of poetry go again? Ahh I remember now;
Phoebus Apollo from Olympus driven,
Lived with Admetus, tending herds and flocks:
And strolling o'er the pastures and the rocks.
He found his life much duller than in heaven.
For he had left his bow, his songs, his lyre,
His divinations and his healing skill,
And as a serf, obeyed his master's will.
One day a new thought waked an old desire.
He took to painting with his colours seven,
The sheep, the cows, the faces of the swains,
All shapes and hues in forests and on plains.
These old sun pictures all are lost or are given away
among the gods. Man owns but half
The sun gods secret, in the photograph.
It was a beautiful piece of poetry, yet I still didn't understand why it pertained to me. It probably didn't, maybe it was just her way of telling me that all of this existed. But anyway, ignore my ranting, this is just me being emotional thinking about my Mama, and being a sad fuck because she knew about all of this and never told me. Oh and also because she's fucking dead so I literally have no one in this world anymore because poor old Gramps is just too deep into his own misery to care about anyone other than himself.
And that, ladies and gentleman, is Luka Del Rosso in his strongest element.
Misery.
What a disappointment, amiright. Jackie would never want me, I'm just another insignificant person for her to play with. To flirt with. Just like Mick. Just like Maple. She's interested for an hour but then she gets bored and moved on. I don't need her doing the same to me. I don't know if I could handle that. That would jeopardize the whole quest.
"We're here!" Leo exclaimed, snapping me out of my depressing thoughts.
Jackie hopped up and down a bit, "I can't believe that we're on our second relic today! This is actually so exciting, oh my gods, I can't wAit to go back to camp and rub it in everyone's faces."
I can't wait to go back to camp so I can leave. Leave and be on my own, away from all these fake people. Away from Jackie. Away from the world.
"Ighty tighty," Leo said, "what exactly are we looking for?"
Jackie surveyed the riverbank, "A lily, an eternal one that never dies. It shouldn't be too hard to find."
I looked at her skeptically. Was she blind? There were so many lilies on the riverbank, how were we supposed to know which one is the right one? I think Leo was thinking the same thing because he looked at me with an expression that said, 'what the heck is this bitch on?'
I don't know either buddy.
I guess the only thing to do was to try and find the most magnificent looking lily and hope it was the one?
I crouched down near the water where a bunch of the sweet smelling flowers were growing, examining each one to see if there was something special about any of them. Leo followed my lead, shaking his head.
"Bro, I'm so severely ADHD that I don't think I'll be able to do this for long," Leo sighed, seeming slightly distressed. What a mood though, honestly.
I heard a slight rustle behind me, but I brushed it off, thinking it was just the breeze blowing through the grass, or Jackie moving around.
"Hey guys! I think I found the right lily!" I heard Jackie's voice coming from farther down the bank.
Thank the gods, I was already getting bored.
I stood up, brushing off my jeans.
"Luka, watch out!" Leo yelled at me tripping over his own feet from trying to get up so fast.
Oh no. What now?
Before I knew it, I was pinned to the ground by some heavy, nasty smelling monster. My hands were flailing in front of me, trying to keep it away from my face. There was already hot blood seeping out of my arms and legs, I could feel it, and it was painful as hell.
FocK where were Jackie and Leo??!?! I was literally in crisis mode, could they hurry?!
I feel my body growing weaker, muscles straining. Damn this monster was strong. Holding it off for much longer was just wishful thinking.
"HyYYyyaAaaA you filthy bastard!!" Leo yelled triumphantly from somewhere on my right.
The monster erupted in flames, showering gross dust all over me as the creature vanished to the depths of Tartarus.
Ew, ew, ew grOss.
"Luka! Oh my gods, are you ok??!?" Jackie came running over to me, helping me up gently, cautiously avoiding the bleeding cuts on my arms.
"Leo- how did you- it- fire-" I could barely even get the words out.
"That doesn't matter right now," Jackie said softly, "Let's just get the lily and take you back to the waystation. These cuts are really deep. As soon as we get you fixed up, we'll leave. There's a long journey to the next relic, so that should give you some time to heal." Leo nodded.
"Sounds like a plan Stan. C'mon, Luka."
He helped me up while Jackie went back to get Hera's relic. I hope she got the right lily because if she didn't, imma cry.
This was literally the worst day in my entire life so far.