holding on {t.r.}

s e v e n t e e n

Alexandra sat in front of the fireplace in the common room, unable to sleep despite being utterly exhausted. Tom sat beside her, enjoying her company as they both listened to the quiet crackles of the fire. They were both hurting, and they found a sense comfort within each other; a sense of comfort they would never verbally admit to feeling.

Emotionally, both Tom and Alexandra were falling apart. Tom was losing touch with the person he once so desperately wanted to become while Alexandra was losing touch with her current self. Together, they struggled in silence.

"How was the meeting?" Alexandra eventually asked. They both kept their eyes on the fire.

"Boring," Tom answered. "Slughorn was upset about your absence."

"He had no reason for me to be there other than to exploit my past. What my parents did and what happened to them as a result does not define who I am," Alexandra defended, slightly tensing up. "Although I'm not sure who that is anymore."

"What are you talking about?" Tom asked, turning his head to finally look at her.

"I pretend like I know what I want, but I really have no idea," she scoffed, looking down at her hands. "I can't truly explore the effects of time I wish to study without physically traveling back in time, and that's not something I particularly wish to do. I have no plan for my future; no way to make money, nowhere to live once I leave Hogwarts. I'm far too young to teach-"

"I'd be genuinely shocked if the Ministry didn't hand you a job the moment you leave this school," Tom told her. "I know it's difficult for you to believe I'm capable of being sincere, but I meant it when I said I think you're a brilliant witch. The power-"

"I don't want power," Alexandra argued, shaking her head. "Power makes people believe they can get away with anything, whether that's murdering an entire population or ruining the lives of innocent children for their own good. I don't want to be like that."

"It's almost unfortunate that your heart is so pure," Tom admitted, turning towards the fire again. "I'll never fully understand how you can feel so much anger and pain and not wish to murder those who caused you to feel it."

"I've considered it," Alexandra stated blankly, showing no emotion in her words. "I didn't return home during the summer holiday because I was sure I would snap the moment I saw my aunt again. At one point, though, that's what made me want to go back. The idea of being rid of her was somewhat euphoric."

"What changed your mind?"

"She lost a brother when my parents died, and I know she only resents me because I remind her so much of him. Still, I hate her for what she did to me." Alexandra explained, beginning to cry. "But she has a child. I'm the way I am because I didn't have parents to tell me they love me or hold me when I was sad. No matter how angry I am, I cannot be the reason another helpless child feels the way I have my entire life. I wouldn't wish this much pain on my worst enemy."

"You're much different than I am," Tom stated.

"I don't think so," Alexandra argued, wiping her tears. "I think your heart is just as pure as you believe mine is, I just think you're much worse at dealing with feelings. You hide all of this goodness deep inside you, so much so that I practically tortured myself trying to find it back when I was given the wonderful opportunity to explore your very diverse range of emotions."

"I honestly don't know why I continue to participate in conversations with you," Tom sighed, hating how right she always was. Alexandra smiled softly, but it quickly faded. They both kept their eyes on the fire. "If I wanted to be emotionally exploited, I'd spend more time with Slughorn or Dumbledore."

"I like you," Alexandra admitted, saying the words Tom refused to utter aloud unless they're mixed in with the words 'do not'. "I haven't quite figured out how much, but it's enough to make me believe that maybe my life doesn't have to be as dark as I once believed. Perhaps I thought I could make you believe the same. I understand now that I'm being foolish. If you'd like me to go-"

"Don't go," Tom stated, placing his hand on top of Alexandra's. Her breath caught in her throat for a brief moment as Tom laced his fingers with hers. He didn't say anything else, and Alexandra knew the conversation was over. Again, they sat in silence.

Within the last twenty minutes alone, both Tom and Alexandra saw sides of each other that they never expected to see. Alexandra admitted to wanting to murder her aunt, and Tom admitted- in a lot less words- that he needs someone. The most surprising thing to come out of this night, however, is the fact that neither of them felt weak as they sat beside each other more vulnerable than ever. Somehow they felt stronger knowing they had each other, and that they no longer had to face the world alone.

The relationship Tom and Alexandra had was much more different than the relationships Alexandra had with Melissa or Tom had with his gang; they understood each other in ways nobody else could. This moment, exactly one year in the making, is what Dumbledore had hoped for. Sixteen years of sabotage and manipulation led to a bond so strong that it alone would rewrite the destiny of the wizarding world. In fact, he was so successful that the fate of the world no longer depended on a happy ending.

———————
Note:

(There are a few questions at the end of this note that I invite you to answer, as there are with all of my notes.)

Sorry this took forever 😅. It took me so long to figure out how to write this specific moment that I had to rewrite this chapter probably 6 times before I finally felt confident. This is a very pivotal moment for Tom that I've been slowly leading up to. It's the first time he truly admitted to the world that he doesn't want to be alone.
This is also a transitional moment for the story because it officially breaks away from the primary themes of Touch (as seen through Dumbledore no longer feeling the need to ruin their lives. #freedom). Look out in the next chapter for my very small clue to answer the burning question: how the hell does Past Dumbledore really know so much about the future? If you catch it and it still doesn't make sense, or if you don't and want to know, let me know in the chapter comments and I'll happily untangle my mess that is Dumbledore's character.

As always, I have questions for you if you choose to answer them.
This book could go in many different directions; where would you like to see the story go? For example:
-Would you like more insight into Melissa's character and her relationship with Alexandra or would you like the focus to stay on Alexandra and Tom?
-Would you like the story to draw out through their 7th and final year at Hogwarts (they are currently in their 6th), or would you prefer me to summarize the year and focus on their future?
-What is your perfect ending?

I can't thank you all enough for reading, voting, commenting, and supporting my stories as a whole. While this specific story has been challenging for me to write, I still enjoy writing it and I hope you still enjoy reading it!

Xoxo, lots of love ❤️