holding on {t.r.}

t w e l v e

Alexandra smiled, running into the common room after the welcome feast with her best friend by her side once again.

"You look happy," Melissa chuckled. "Did something happen with Tom?"

"Can't I just be excited to see my friend?" Alexandra asked, wondering why Tom seemed to be the only explanation for why she had a smile on her face. "It's been months."

"I know, I know. I'm excited to see you, too. I'm just curious, that's all," Melissa stated, glancing at Tom who had his eyes on Alexandra. She watched as Avery sat beside him, and his attention shifted. "How have your dreams been?"

"They're gone," Alexandra smiled. "Well, I'm still dreaming, of course. They just don't feel so real anymore."

"Why do you suppose that is?" Melissa asked, jokingly raising an eyebrow.

"I dunno. Maybe it was just all the stress from O.W.L.s that caused them. It makes sense since they had left once the year ended," Alexandra shrugged. "I can't think of any other reason."

"Are you sure?"

"What? What do you think happened?"

"You did start spending more time with Tom towards the end of the year. You said he was helping you. Maybe whatever you two did worked," Melissa whispered, glancing over at Tom again.

"Why does everything that happens in my life suddenly have to be caused by Tom?" Alexandra asked, sighing. "I'm happy, it's because of him. I'm sane, it's because of him. What happened to you thinking he was going to kill me? I don't know what changed."

"You did," Melissa smiled. "Well, you're still alive, for one. You seem a lot more focused in classes, your bad dreams have completely gone away, and you're much more excited for things you were never so excited about before. Everything changed after you two took that love potion. It's almost as if you became a completely different person. That's why I was so concerned. I thought he may have done something to you when the potion made you vulnerable."

"He didn't do anything," Alexandra defended. "I'm still myself. I've just been trying really hard lately to forget about everything in my past that's caused me pain, and Tom is a convenient distraction. So, yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe he is the reason I've been a little more connected with the world lately, but it's definitely not for the reason you believe. He and I aren't friends. He's made it very clear that he doesn't like me."

"But do you like him?"

"Leave it alone, will you? It doesn't matter," Alexandra huffed, crossing her arms.

"Why are you so afraid to-"

"Shut up!" Alexandra yelled, throwing her hands down and causing a number of heads to turn including Tom's. Alexandra looked around at everyone staring before running up to her dormitory. Melissa followed, begging for her friend to talk to her.

"What's going on with you?" Melissa asked, watching Alexandra angrily pace back and forth across the room.

"You know, I've been trying really hard to forget about my past; all the lies, and all the pain from uncovering the truth. I've learned that if there is one thing the lies and the truths have in common, it's that love has never existed in my life," Alexandra ranted, taking deep breaths in an attempt to hold in her tears. "Even thinking about loving someone or being loved by someone is absolutely horrifying because I've been trained to believe it's not possible. Maybe you were right the whole time. Maybe the only reason Tom has the slightest bit of interest in me is because he wants me dead. I mean, it all makes sense, why he refuses to admit he likes me, why he's only around when I'm vulnerable, why he threatened me-"

"Don't think like that," Melissa frowned.

"You said it yourself: he doesn't make personal connections with anyone. Why should I believe he and I have one?" Alexandra asked. "You know, I never believed he and I were really friends, but every time you suggested that things might be different, it gave me this small shred of hope. Hope that things could change. That love could be possible. That's why I get defensive when you bring it up, because I can't risk having that hope. Love is only a weakness, and I can't be vulnerable anymore."

"I'm sorry," Melissa frowned. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

"You didn't hurt me," Alexandra assured, smiling lightly. "When I defended him after you got suspicious, I realized I trusted him more than I should have, and it scared me. I panicked, and I took it out on you. I'm sorry."

"You should know I'm always here if you want to talk about absolutely anything," Melissa smiled back. "You can trust me."

"I know," Alexandra sighed, feeling much better after finally admitting what's been bothering her. "Thank you."

"Care for a round of Wizard's Chess?" Melissa asked, hoping a game would make her friend feel a little bit better. Alexandra laughed.

"Neither of us know how to play."

"That's what makes it fun."