A little piece of me

Just thinking

(I am giving you a fair warning that this is just me venting my thoughts. None of the following thoughts are happy. Proceed with caution.)

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm scared. I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of not being enough. Not being wanted. Being forgotten. Being rejected. I'm afraid of failing and the truth is, I'm not satisfied with my life. For a while I can fool myself into thinking that things are pretty good, but it's not long before I feel that emptiness again. I feel like there's something missing.

I've also come to terms with the fact that my self hatred has gotten out of control. I hurt myself before anyone has the chance to. I tell myself they'll say no before I even ask. I tell myself rejection is expected and failure is inevitable. I push people away and I don't let people in so it won't hurt when (not if) they leave. Because they all do, right. But I shouldn't be telling myself that. Deep down I know that. But I feel like I need to be honest with myself. I can't tell myself something I don't believe. So I can't tell myself that I'll make it. I can't tell myself that I'll be wanted or that everything will work out. I just can't, because I don't believe any of it.

I think that more than anything (besides death) I'm most afraid of being alone. The thought scares me and the idea haunts me. It eats me alive. I can't picture myself happily married with a family or even content in a relationship. I truly believe I will be alone. And the worst part is, I don't even believe in love anymore. So the closest I can get to it is through happy songs about how love is such an amazing feeling an how there's that one person that means the world to you. I can only get a taste of it, and it depresses me.

I think my heart has turned cold. It's like I completely reject feelings. I stopped getting sad when people left. I stopped falling for people before I even had a chance to truly fall for someone. I stopped even having crushes really. For a few days I might see someone who I find particularly appealing, but then I tell myself it will never happen and I move on.

This can't be normal, can it? A person shouldn't have such a low opinion of themself that they lose all hope and reject all feelings. So why me? ..

The way I see it: my happiness is transient, my sorrow inevitable.