A Cutter's Lullaby (Chris Motionless Story)

Chapter 31

I finally got to meet Shelby's foster parents thanks to this mess when we arrived at her place, apparently they had heard about me and they were glad to help us. They drove us to the U-Haul moving van center and the whole time her mother Monica chattered excitedly about Shelby and I being roommates. I tried my best to pay attention to her and what was being said, but my focus was on something else. The more I thought of my future I knew how shaky and uncertain it was going to be. It's hard to believe that the one person I thought could save me was the same one that seemed to keep destroying me bit by bit and now I don't think I can remain in one piece.

I had blindly trusted him again and again to only have him let me down each time. I kept making excuses for him and blaming everything else, but I was not really looking at what was really going on. Chris was right we were a lot more alike than I thought at first and that's what made us a deadly combination. When we were in pain I was the one to hurt myself and he hurt others close to him. I never intended for us to end up doing this or being this way. I had went with my foolish heart instead of my head like I should have.

Once we had bought out a moving van Shelby and I drove back to Chris's apartment by ourselves and began quickly packing my things in the boxes we had brought along. The whole time I worried that Chris would come through that door, but he never did. I kept quiet while Shelby ranted and raved about the ways she wanted to beat Chris' ass 'six ways to Sunday' as she put it, but we stayed busy none the less. We ended up getting done in only an hour and a half, which surprised me.

The trip back to her home was equally as quiet for me, Shelby filled in the void by telling me what we had to do tomorrow and for some reason as she spoke the idea of tomorrow seemed so far away. She put in Alice in Wonderland in the DVD player once we were in her room and she fell asleep before the girl had even fallen down the rabbit hole. I sighed almost silently as I got up from my spot next to her. I was restless now and hands were itching to get a hold of a blade. I have always known that I was at my most deadly when I was half numbed out like this.

I went into her connected bathroom and searched her cabinets for anything sharp and was lucky in the worst sense of the word when I found a pack of shaving razors along with a pair of scissors. I hastily used the scissors to free the tiny razors, hoping that Shelby wouldn't be woken up by the snipping sounds. Once I had one taken out it was like warfare on my skin, not a single part of my legs, arms, or torso were spared. It was like I wanted to punish every inch of flesh that I had allowed him to touch.

When my hands were shaking from strain I finally stopped, blood had left a rain like pattern on the white tile beneath me and stained the edges of my gown. Still this wasn't enough, nothing would ever be enough. I wasn't going to get better and I don't why I thought moving or being in love would fix any of this. I should have just said no and stayed in Kentucky, allowed myself an easier end. Maybe I can still do it, just get rid of all this fucking hurt for good.

I rose to my feet, mindlessly cleaning up the floor and left my skin alone. I was finally that bloody mess I had compared myself to that day of graduation. This was my version of Carrie White, except this wasn't punch or pigs blood, it was my own. This wasn't rage driving me, it was tiredness and pain. I figured that I at least owed a few people an explanation for this so I wrote out four letters as I sat out on the front porch. I was thankful that it was so late because I didn't want to deal with possibility of someone seeing me in this state, it would be horrifying for the both of us.

It didn't take too long to write out the first three, I did the basics of why I was doing this, how I cared for them, and that I was sorry. As I finished each one I folded them up and wrote the name on the front for who it belonged to. So there was Bobby, Shelby, and one for the boys of Motionless in White. But the fourth and final one seemed to be the hardest because I didn't know if I was really sorry after all when it came to Chris. None the less I wrote;

Chris,

I really don't know how to say this, but we both knew that I would be telling you goodbye sometime soon. I guess nobody thought it would be this way. I just wanted to thank you for bringing a bit of happiness back into my life for awhile there. Never in a thousand years or lives would I have thought someone like you would show me any kind of love, even if it wasn't real. For me it was one of the realest and purest things, I've ever known. I hope this doesn't weigh too heavy on your conscience. I hope that you do know that I love you more than anything in this unforgiving world, but I can't stay and I'm sorry for that.

Goodbye,

Nicole.

I scooped up the letters and quietly sneaked back inside to leave the them on Shelby's vanity where I knew she would find them. I kept Chris's with me since I want to drop it off at his place and so deciding not to waist anymore time that's where I quickly began to head for. The slightly cool concrete felt nice under my feet and the wind whispered through the trees as I walked down the sidewalk. When I made it to Chris's place I noticed that his car still wasn't there, but I didn't bother worrying about it. I went up the stairs, simply dropping the note in his mail box and made sure that it stuck out slightly so he would see it.

With everything in place of how I wanted it I made my way to the bridge.

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So thank you to HannahPurdy2871 for being the first to suggest this chapter's song which is Motionless in White's Sinematic. A TON of other people suggested this song, so thank you all as well ;) 

Well I guess there isn't anything else to say, two chapters to go now you guys. Sorry it was so short as well.