bts pt.2 // kim seokjin //

extra one

Seokjin sat in his room, looking down at the floor, music playing in his ears, separating himself from the world.

Why did he lock himself in his room, sitting on the floor, staring at th floor, mind blank for a few minutes.

He didn't know.

What he knew was that he didn't want to be with anyone. What anyone didn't know was that he simply wanted to be alone.

He was deaf to the laughs that seeped through the thin walls of his room, not wanting a constant reminder that they were having more fun without him.

He slumped, his back hitting the side of his bed, eyes now staring at the ceiling.

Why was he so pathetic?

He remembers. He remembers what pain had taught him. Pain taught him how to be happy. Pain taught him to see beauty despite the pain.

But pain didn't tell him what to do when he wasn't feeling anything at all.

Right now, he felt numb.

Within the dark room, he looked down at his hands on his lap, eyes immediately turning to his wrists that were once scarred.

It was clean. Well, that was when he last saw a few minutes ago.

Why can he still see those red lines across his forearms? Why were they still there?

He blinked his eyes and rubbed them harshly. There he was again, seeing things he wasn't supposed to see.

Seokjin turned back to the ceiling as the next song started playing.

He remembers the hugs and warmth he felt whenever he was surrounded by the cold. He remembers the comfort.

And as much as he remembers the good, the not-so-good events overpowered them.

Those times he would mess up when they worked as a group and when he worked alone. Those times he would spend in the bathroom, either eyeing at himself or under the burning hot water or the freezing water. Those times he had the blade between his fingers and letting it drag across his skin. Those times the volume of the laughter increases once he steps out the room.

Then he felt his eyes start to water. He closes his eyes to prevent tears from falling, only then did the tears escape causing him to curse.

He wasn't supposed to cry alone anymore. He had to go to one of the members. He was supposed to cry on their shoulders and tell them what's wrong, that's what they told him to do.

But there was nothing to tell and no shoulders available. What should he do?

You have broad shoulders for a reason.

He sighed at the thought, rubbing his eyes harshly until the tears were gone, his eyes feeling raw and a bit swollen.

Why couldn't he do anything about it? Why was he all of a sudden vulnerable and like this?

Hadn't he gone to therapy for the past month? Hadn't it worked the entire time, helping him improve?

Then why was he here, feeling everything he felt the day he emptied the bottle?

It's just a lapse. It's just a lapse. It's just a lapse.

He had these a few times. Why was he suprised about this one?

He got through past lapses, how was this any different from the last?

Maybe because he had no one right now.

Who would've thought this would be the lapse he needed someone the most and yet no one was there.

"Ah." He huffed out, pressing the base of his palms to his eyes.

He isn't gonna get better.

He isn't gonna get better.

He isn't gonna get better.

He isn't gonna get better.

He isn't gonna get better.

He isn't–

He took a deep breathe.

He isn't gonna get better.

He isn't gonna get better.

He isn't gonna get better.

He isn't gonna get better.

He isn't gonna get better.

He isn't gonna get better–

Stop it. No one was coming for him.

He isn't gonna get better.

He isn't gonna get better.

He isn't gonna get better.

He isn't gonna get better.

He isn't gonna get better.

He isn't gonna get better.

He stopped and closed his eyes.

Little did he know he had slept to the sound of frantic knocks and desperate calls of his name behind the door.

Little did they know, they were a bit late for this lapse. And little did they know, he needed them the most for this lapse.