do you really love me? (suicidal deku x bakugo)

hospital

Deku POV (i was deciding to make this really mean but decided against it, your welcome)

i hear noises... i thought i died? how do i hear noises?

i open my eyes to see a room filled with white walls and a door along with medical equipment. i see some chairs with a green haired lady who i recognized as my mom, sitting in a hospital chair. she has huge eye bags under her eyes and looks slightly older... like a year or so? maybe just from the eye bags and stuff.

i turn my head to see kacchan in the bed with mitsuki sleeping in a hospital chair looking uncomfortable.

i'm able to make out one of the two faces in the hospital talking. i see a doctor, but then an unknown person.

"h-hello?" (i wanted to make him mute after the fall and have kacchan give him his vocal chords (idk if possible but FANFIC LOGIC) so your welcome so that they both can sing... maybe... i'm kidding they both can sing)
"izuku!!" i get given a bear hug before i can even comprehend what is happening. "w-who are y-you?"
"you probably don't remember me... hell you've never met me but... i'm your older sister..."
"i- w- what? i never had an o-older sis-sister..." i say, it sounds like i'm cracking, i'm crying. she is too as i feel my shoulder growing wet.

"yeah, you did... i... i got taken away... kidnapped and presumed dead until a bit ago..."
"w- really...? what's your name?"
"izumi..."
"i-i'm sorry i don't remember you..." i say saddened.
"i don't care, izuku... i'm so happy your alive," i get a look at her face as she backs up. her arms still wrapped around me in her previous position.

her hair is up to her thighs and it's a dark green, she has bangs that cover her forehead, also her hair is kinda like tsuyu's but not in a bow. her eyes are a beautiful, an orbit of greens and a shade of blue mixed in. she smiles to me. i smile back.

"i-is kacchan okay?"
"who's 'kacchan'?"
"the blonde ash haired boy over on the other bed."
"oh, bakugo katsuki?" i nod, "hes actually on life support..."

my breathing stops, my head feels light headed. i feel like passing out. my breathing suddenly starts hyperventilating and izumi is starting to worry, she tells me to follow her breathing. it doesn't work, i get out of the bed, the adrenaline is still kicking in so i don't feel the pain. i run over to kacchan's side of the room to 'see to believe' and izumi was right... he has all these machines and tubes in or surrounding him. it broke my heart.

i collapse to the floor as pain shoots through me, i want to scream but i just keep hyperventilating. i suddenly feel a pair of arms wrap around me. i don't really notice it to much besides the initial touch because i'm so caught up in my thoughts...

my horrid thoughts...

what's the worst part about my thoughts is that it's not a voice that has entered my head... it's my own brain and voice telling me this...

"wow, a deku who can't even kill himself right."
"useless."
"deku."
"you can't even save the one you love the most? what little can you do?"
"your not good enough for kacchan."
"he's better than you."

i try to ignore the thoughts but it's all i think about.

i'm suddenly picked up and brought back to my bed, tucked under the covers and injected with something.

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it's been a week since i first woke up, i'm more adjusted to kacchan being on life support, doesn't mean i'm happy about it.

mommy and me had a talk about suicide and stuff, like why i did it and cliché stuff like that. i just answered them not really wanting to be doing this.

what i'm sad about most is kacchan...

why would he risk his life to save mine?

the thoughts haven't left so they never stop talking to me...

"ugly"
"fat"
"bitch"
"bastard"
"loser"
"ignorant"
"greedy"
"user"
"abuser"
"selfish"
"ass"
"die"
"worthless"

'JUST SHUT UP PLEASE! I ALREADY KNOW ALL THIS!'

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it's been a while... maybe a few months or half a year? (sorry for the big time skip) i've been doing therapy but it does nothing. i still cut, i still have suicidal thoughts, i'm still suicidal...

not a day goes by when i don't think about what would have happened if i completed suicide. if i successfully did it.

"broken"
"dumb"
"stupid"
"useless"
"deku"
"deku"
"deku"

kacchan still hasn't woken up yet... i don't know if he will... i was out for a month or so, kacchan's been out for 6 or 7 months and it's torture...

i visit him, i don't go to school, i don't eat properly, i don't sleep properly.

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they say he's supposed to wake up in a week or so and i can't contain my excitement!!

just one more week until i can see his red, ruby, crimson orbs people call eyes. his aren't eyes though, his are jewels. i can see him smile and hear him laugh. i can hear him call me deku, i can hear him and see him and touch a warm body (his is cold from being out for so long), i can smell his sweet smell!

i can't wait, honestly!

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kacchan is supposed to wake up today and oh my lord, i haven't left the chair i've been sitting in for months waiting for him.

just as i go into thought, i'm brought out as i see kacchan's eyes open, i immediately hug him but lightly so i don't hurt him.
"k-kac-kacchan..." i say in his shoulder as tears roll down my face.
"d-deku?"
we just stay there until i hear slight sobs from kacchan, all his wounds healed in his sleep so he's hugging me. "k-kacchan, what's wrong...?"
"i-i'm so s-sorry izuku..."
"it's fine kacchan, i'm just so glad your awake now..."
"h-how long has it been?"
"12 months... maybe 13 or 14?"
"r-really...?"
"y-yeah..."
we stay there still hugging and crying until kacchan asks me, "w-where's mom and a-auntie inko?"
"mom is working and auntie mitsuki..." i give him more of a hug before i break the news to him, "she thought you were never gonna wake up... she couldn't live without you... she died, kacchan... i'm so sorry..."
he stops sniffling, i look at him. he's frozen, tears still streaming down his face. "t-they said you weren't gonna wake up..."

"m-mom died...?"
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i have an older sis. her name is similar to mine.

oof this chapter isn't related to me much and everything will become less and less relatable to me bc no one has found out about anything going on with me besides my mom knowing i have a gf.

bye bye :) have a nice day/night