Sophomore Year Journal

Waifu

(10/22/14)

An odd sense of loneliness plagued me from a betrayal I recently had with my friend Tyler.. Here's the story:

I've been holding a lot of my pain in from Tyler, because I know he has a bunch of his own from his own issues. It ended up slipping up yesterday.

I told him about pretty much even things I wouldn't dare type on here.. And well.. We also have a friend named Becca. She's a trustworthy and good girl. They're close as well. I know they both trust me more but that's not the point..

Tyler being he has many, many things on his own mind, he went to Becca about it and told her. How do I know? Here's exactly how this conversation went:

Becca: R u ok?

Me: Yeah, why?

Becca: Tyler is really worried about u.

Me: .. What did he say about me?

Becca: (states exactly what I told him)

Me: WHY IS HE TELLING YOU ALL THIS?

(her and I start to argue from me completely snapping)

I got angry with him, like crazy angry.. Not my normal annoyed angry or the regular angry. I held back a lot. It's not like he told the school or something... He told a mutual friend who cares.

The thing is, he lied about it too. Here's how THIS conversation went:

Tyler: sorry I just got back.

Me: it's fine. I don't know what to say (Because I was ready to rip him apart)

Tyler: When will you come to your senses and realize you're happier when you're a Christian?

Me: Like I said, I can't think. I just got into an argument with Becca and my head is everywhere.

Tyler: Why? About what?

Me: You. You told her. (goes on and on)

Tyler: I only told her that I was worried and to talk to you.

Me: No, you told her more than that.

Tyler: How would you know?

Me:(shows him conversation) how could you!

Tyler: I'm not so well either and I needed a rebound I had no idea how to help you.

Me: I know that Tyler which is why I'm trying so hard not to snap on you or be angry with you because I know you just wouldn't DO that.. I would never do that to you either! No matter how much was going on! NEVER would I share anything about you!

Tyler: Look, I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry!

He cried. I felt a bit bad but not too bad, because earlier I had given him a conversation about how crying is healthy. And I didn't feel bad at all because I really don't trust him anymore. Especially after Becca telling me "we promised to tell each other everything" Soooo... Anything I say is going to go to Becca? No. It's not at all that I don't trust her.. It's that you JUST don't do that...

I did offer to go to his house and hold him and hug him to show him I still care.. NOT that it was okay or that I'm not still angry.. But he's still my best friend who is under a lot of his own pain and suffering. Mine doesn't matter when someone else is at their knees, I'll kneel down and try to help them with their storm.

:/ .. Why did he have to do that.. He promised.. Even when I was in worse pain and felt overloaded by him I wouldn't have done that.. of course I'm not being selfish.. I have every right to be angry! But I won't take it out on him.. He did it out of weakness.. But that will never mean that I'm inclined to trust him once again..

This situation sucks..........