Sophomore Year Journal

The envelopment of hate (Josh's story)

(9/29/14)

I should be using this time to be productive but I need to write and get this energy out in some other form.

I want to explain Josh, because ever since last night he has all that has been on my mind.

We met when I was 14. I wasn't the best girl ever. I was very unstable and broken and just ew. I didn't know what a real man was or what the world was about or what the world wanted from me. I came to the school I'm in from a bad situation and I was in the process of learning to cope with new surroundings and blah blah blah.

Josh came around while I was pity dating a guy named RJ. Those two were best friends until I showed up.

RJ wasn't a very nice boyfriend, and slowly but surely, Josh stole me from him to treat me better and love me like he thought I should be and taught me what it was like to feel loved, what a lady really was and of the etc.

We also became each others closest friends and told each other everything, even in the pits of our worst knowledge, we knew it from each other. I know for a fact we are, yes ARE, in love with each other.

The reason we broke up was because we were both in our own ways, broken. We were both in our own ways, unstable.

He wanted to fix himself for me, and which took him a year and a half. which is NOW.

Over this year and a half he encouraged me to date around and try to find someone new. I heard the pain in his voice when he said that, because we both knew that neither of us knew how to fix the other.. let alone ourselves.

Over this time we both managed to do it, even though I broke in a different way.. I don't think it would really effect the relationship negatively. All of what broke me is a trust issue with men, that I already had and got worse.

Of course I trust Josh, he loved himself enough to fix himself. How nice.

He asked to date again last night and now I guess we're on a trial period?

You see.. That's really hard to process in and of itself for a few reasons..

1. For some reason I finally got over the heartbreak about a month ago, I finally accepted he may never come back and was starting to kill my feelings

2. I was in a lot of heartbreak over it and used other men to try to suffice.. and they were bad men.. Oh jeez the people I pick up...

3. It played with my sexuality. I didn't know what I was honestly. Because I would only really be attracted to him and then other women it was like "yes."

Another weird part about this year and a half was DURING THAT TIME we messed around. And it wasn't BAD messing around like the birds and the bees, close enough but it wasn't NEAR that. It was more so acting as if we were dating. It was it's own thing, really. It's hard to explain.

I don't know how to take anything anymore. I was seriously just starting to cope. I coped badly BEFORE. but it was only recently when I could REAAAALLY cope with the idea of him having another girl/guy.. or him liking one or moving on with his own life.

It's hard to explain. I feel like life's pattern is going to repeat.. but maybe I can handle this.. JUST maybe.. I mean I'm 16 years old and more mature and stable and able to handle myself WAY better.

This was the only guy I've ever truly loved anyway... ONLY guy.. ever since I met him..

I don't think people would have any idea how much he changed me and helped me and guided me to change...

I WOULD NOT be this person without Josh. I love him.. It sounds so cheesy because this is coming form a teenager but.. I think I know what love is.. This is love.. He didn't date around or do anything.. He just wanted me.. and made himself better for me...