Sophomore Year Journal

Dirty Dishwater Bumballooned Blonde hair.

(11/5/14)

I suppose I feel better.. I felt completely down and out since I've last written until lunch with AJ.

AJ always makes me feel better. But the dread consumed me again. :l .. I'm okay enough to feel like typing this out, since I plan to do nothing this study hall anyway

I know people don't like me around here and I shelter myself due to it. It's not so much that I care, it's that if they don't like me.. They don't need to know me... So I end up sd and angry..

Since no one reads this anyway, I feel a bit more comfortable with just completely elaborating on the other reasons.

I feel special to no one.. I mean NO one.. Everyone has their own lives and friends.. AJ.. Tyler (big one).. Ar'Moni.. Kaitlynn.. Bill.. Anyone I know.. Even Megan and Josh (big one) do now..

I mean Tyler.. Is because I crave physical affection from him for whatever reason, probably because we're close and I seen him like that with Becca.

It's funny because Becca is annoyed with that, and I would love nothing more than to have him around me and love me.. And show people "hey! this is my friend!" Same with AJ too.. But it really doesn't bug me as much with AJ.. Sure I like him, and he knows how to show physical comfort way better (back rubs with entire hand or thumb to be exact).. But Tyler would feel more meaningful. I don't know why.. It's probably because he has been there longer and is more connected with me.

I wish to be held now, honestly. To bury myself in AJ, Josh or Tyler's arms.. Because they're meaningful and I trust them.. I would hate to receive comfort from another human..

I can't stand the thought of that honestly. Ew.. :/ But for once the thought of someone I trust is nice..

I know it's a whole romance return thing why I want it from AJ.. Kinda the same with Josh but moreso because we have rooted history and I miss him and wish he was around.

He has a new friend.. Not new.. He knew her before he knew me.. And dated her before me too. We were always close in the weirdest of ways.. I mean like things that would be friendship breakers between others, wouldn't be with us. It would be totally normal to us.

And he told me about how him and another friend were getting close like that.. So I pulled away quickly, and let him do what he wanted. It obviously wasn't that special to him if he would be able to have that with more than one person.

I'm just weird.. Probably.. I should just leave it alone.. I'm perfectly fine, and I feel no other way.