Dead by Tomorrow

Chapter 38 | Rooftop Goodbyes

The first semester was nearing its end, and I wasn't prepared for what was coming.

I was going home.

Six months of utter bliss and forbiddance, six months of new friends and new faces to drink coffee with, six months of a different life— and my two bags were already on the kitchen counter. Sitting down, reminiscing of the past, I knew that I had to go back at one point, better to do it sooner, right?

"I'll have that, you look like you're deep in thought," Adam said while passing next to me, taking my bags and carrying them out of the apartment.

Adam is one of those miracles that God sends you once he sees that you are lost. We knew each other for a short time, but we've managed to form a strong bond really fast. He was there when I was down, he was there when I needed to talk, scream, cry— he was really there for me. Adam is my miracle, and I am one happy girl. 

"Seriously, will you move woman?" 

"Hey, it's not every day that a girl has to travel home for a break," I protested.

"Yeah, and being home is so terrible." I never told him about my past, I just didn't feel that free around him. Jaden's death kept haunting me, and I wasn't sure if he'd understand everything, so I stayed silent.

"What if I just want to stay here with you?" 

He hugged me from the back, smelling my hair and sinking deeper into my neck, " I'll be here once you get back, don't worry."

I knew that, and I couldn't tell him what I was actually thinking of. How could I say that I am frightened of seeing my ex-boyfriend? How could I mention that I have a dead friend whose grave I have to visit, that I left a whole life behind myself, I left people, places, things— and I was going back to face all of it. 

I didn't plan to go home, I wanted to stay in New York, visit a few galleries, see a few shows, maybe go to the cinema once or twice, but I didn't plan on going back home. It all changed when grandma called and said that both she and my aunt were coming to Prescott Valley and that they expected me to be there. So there I was, all packed and (not)ready to go.

"I'll miss you," I muttered, turning towards Adam so I could face him, " I'll miss you and I'll think of you all the time."

"I'll miss you too, and you'll be back here before you know it. You'll see."

So my journey home began.

-

Prescott Valley— a small town with a scent of heartbreak and fear, possibly only in my nose. I was home, and I was rather unsettled. Nothing changed, streets had the same faded signs on the corners, houses were standing tall and unbothered, dogs barked and birds sung, and I was feeling lost. I was feeling lost in front of my own house, ready to turn back and run away. But I didn't, it was time for me to face my fears. 

You see, once somebody gets used to others leaving, that person doesn't even know what the effect she has on herself when she finally leaves. My parents left me, my aunt did too, my sister had to go and change her life— everybody left, and I was still holding on. I was strong, handling it the best way that I knew of, but then I left too, and once I left, nothing was the same. I was scared to return because I didn't know what would I see. Would the memories eat me alive? Would I feel guilty for leaving in the first place?  I didn't feel any of that. In fact, I started feeling at peace, and I knew at that moment— that coming home wasn't the wrong choice, avoiding the reality was.

I was still the same frightened little girl that learned to fight just so she could be confident when going home alone in the dark. I was still the girl that loved her friends no matter what, the one that took risks because that's the only thing she knew how to do damn well. It was something I left behind, but it was still a part of me, and only when I breathed in the air of remembrance— I was completely at peace with myself.