The Beach (Mimmy)

Chapter Four: Explanations

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”

-          J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

That night was easily the best night of Matt’s life. It may not have contained sex, even if he wanted it to, but they cuddled and kissed, and stayed up late, just drinking in each other, afraid to fall asleep because they didn’t want to miss a single moment with each other. Jimmy had tried to explain to Matt what was going on, why he was here, but Matt kept shushing him with a kiss. “You are here. That’s what matters. Don’t tell me about it tonight, save it for the morning. I just want to enjoy you tonight.”

So he did. Jimmy was the same old Jimmy, the one who tickled Matt until he couldn’t breathe, then kissed him with the pout of an apology. He wrapped his arms around the vocalist, yammering about how it was too bad that Matt needed to piss, because he wasn’t letting go. He laughed, that clear infectious laughter, smile showing in his sky blue eyes.

But well past midnight, when Matt felt his eyes start to slip closed, he caught the true emotion in Jimmy’s eyes. Pain. And complete and utter sorrow.

Jimmy was unbearably sad.

~*~

Matt awoke suddenly, heart pounding out of his chest. He slipped out of bed, grabbing the bat from under his bed, and made his way towards the bathroom. Singing. Who the fuck was using his shower and singing?

He jerked open the shower curtain, causing Jimmy to shriek and leap back. “Matt, you're awake!” he gasped, “And what the fuck are you doing with that bat?”

So it hadn’t been a dream last night. Matt grinned widely at the scowling drummer, before setting down the bat, shedding his clothes and stepping under the spray.

After an exhausting shower and a breakfast of alfredo pasta and orange juice, the pair curled up together on the couch.

“Why are you here, Jimmy?” Matt asked, nuzzling his face in the older man’s neck. “What’s happened?”

Jimmy sighed, in no hurry to speak as he kissed the top of Matt’s head. He was silent for a long time, and Matt was about to ask the question again, when the taller man opened his mouth. “I was given a chance to say goodbye.”

“What do you mean?” Matt asked, “Won’t you be staying?”

“Mattie… I can't. You have to understand, babe, I died.” There was pain in Jimmy’s voice as he said this. “I can’t tell you about where I came from, or what’s happened to me, because I’m not allowed to influence any decisions you might make. But the bottom line is, I got sent here to say goodbye to you, and I don’t know how long I’ll be allowed to stay.”

“B-But why not? Why can’t you tell me? Jimmy… that doesn’t make sense!” Matt asked frantically.

Jimmy sighed softly, taking Matt’s hand and playing with his fingers. “It can’t make sense to you, Matt, it’s not supposed to make sense. There are other things that won’t make sense either. Like, you are the only one who can see me and feel me. No one else. To them I’m just not there. You can pick someone else who can as well, but that’s your decision, not mine, and I’m supposed to leave it entirely up to you.”

“What do you mean?” Matt asked. “Like I could have, say, Katie be able to know you exist here?”

At the mention of his sister, Jimmy smiled. “Yeah. But then only you both will be able to see me. I won’t exist to anyone else.”

Matt was silent. He wasn’t sure what to think about all this. This time yesterday, he thought Jimmy was dead. He knew Jimmy was dead. Suddenly, here’s his husband, and he’s come with conditions.

“So you’re invisible to everyone else?” Matt ventured after a while.

“I don’t even exist. They could pass their hand right through me. They can't see me, hear me, touch me, nothing.”

Matt closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. “I’m so confused…”

“Just don’t think about it, then. Kiss me.”

Matt opened his eyes, and Jimmy kissed him chastely. When the drummer pulled away, Matt moved in to close the gap. “I love you so much, Jimmy.” He murmured against rose petal lips.

Jimmy chuckled quietly, mumbling, “I know.”

Matt gave him a forced smile, then said, “Do you have any idea how long you might be able to be here?”

Jimmy just shook his head, “It could be ten minutes, it could be ten months.”

The vocalist’s eyes widened. “You could leave any minute?”

The ever-present light in Jimmy’s sparkling blue eyes wavered a little as he nodded. “I’m just as clueless as you there.”

Bella scampered in, then. She jumped onto the couch and attacked Jimmy with kisses. The couple laughed, thankful that the dog was there to ease the tension. “She missed you the most, I think.” Matt joked, even though they both knew he had missed his lover much more than the Labrador Retriever ever could. “She knows you exist.”

“That’s because Bella is the smartest dog of them all, oh yes she is!”Jimmy replied in a baby voice as he fawned over the dog. Jimmy had always had this unfathomable love for Bella. Matt didn’t understand. Bella was just an animal, but Jimmy got her Christmas presents, gave her leftovers after they ate supper, treated her like a princess. At this, Matt just had to roll his eyes.

“I’m guessing animals can see you, right?”

“Exactly.” Jimmy said. “Now, come on. I’m tired of talking about this. Do we have any ice cream?”

Matt laughed and followed the older man into the kitchen. “It’s likely.”

While they were indulging in the mint chocolate chip goodness, Jimmy looked at Matt, spoon balanced on his nose. “You’re a lot thinner, Matt.”

Matt avoided the warm blue gaze by trying to get a bite of ice cream without any chips. “Uh, yeah. I just didn’t eat as much after you left.”

“I don’t like that. You gotta eat more, okay? You gotta promise me that.”

Matt nodded, “Yeah, of course.”

And he meant it.

He noticed things that were different about Jimmy. He wolfed down two bowls of ice cream, acting like he had never tasted it before. He often just looked at Matt in wonder, or touched him just for the sake of touching him. It was as if he had been deprived of all the aspects of his life. And as a startling, sad reminder, Matt realized, he had.