One step at a time

5

Melissa Newman

I didn't bother looking at anyone when they entered the room, I was depressed that was clear but that was something they didn't need to know, I hated that I couldn't even fucking walk to tell the teacher I needed to go. I hated the fact that I needed to rely on others to do everyday things, I barely had enough energy to get out of bed what was I thinking, I can never have a normal life. I will never have a normal life I'm a fucking cancer patient for fuck sucks. I was going to die and the faster I understood that the faster everyone else could go on living the rest of their lives. I didn't need to be here I shouldn't have come back I should've just gone somewhere else this was a mistake.

"I'm sorry Lissa that I wasn't there" Lee tried to say but I just turned over and looked out the window. I didn't have a life and even if I never relapse and live, my life will always be hospital visits, tests, and more tests what kind of life is that. I will never be able to have children and I won't let myself get close enough to someone to get a husband one day, My life was over the moment I got diagnosed. I was a naïve little girl thinking that I would get better than become a doctor that was my dream that's what I wanted to do that had been my dream since I was a little girl I wanted to be just like my dad a surgeon that was something we had shared and now ill never do it I will forever be stuck. Going nowhere in life not because I don't want to but because I cant. I don't have the energy to and I got warned in my treatment that if I chose the course that I was doing I would never be able to do the things I wanted in life I would be weaker than most cancer patients but I didn't care at that time I just wanted to be cancer-free and with my family, I'm living that dream right now and well look at me I'm still sitting in a hospital bed and I don't even fucking have cancer.

"Hey Mel" Martin had entered the room and he saw the hurt in my eyes he could see that I was giving up. "I know Mel but remember you have to keep fighting" A tear left my eye. "I don't want to anymore it hurts too much M" He understood what I was saying but the rest of the room had no idea and that was fine. I could give up it was okay he was okay with that because he knew the pain I was fighting he had felt this pain he had lived this pain he was living this pain and if you didn't have cancer you wouldn't know what it felt like to constantly be in pain all the time no amount of pills fixed it. Martin watched me. "Sometimes the pain is worth it Mel remember what we talked about during treatment all your dreams your living them now Mel don't give up just yet" Tears flowed freely as he stood up and grabbed Lee's arm and dragged him out of the room. What they were talking about was news to me if only cancer came with superpowers. My parents were arguing with each other in the corner of the room hushed words could be heard. They had given up enough for me. "Go back to work ill be fine go" I wanted to be alone, that's all ill ever be.

It was around midnight, I haven't taken my eyes off the window. The door opened and I could feel someone behind me who well I had no idea. "Will you ever let me in?" Blakes's voice sounded weak, sad, and confused. "What did I do? Please tell me so I can fix it M I need you in my life now more than ever I can't give up and I won't so please just tell me how to fix it" His voice was breaking. "It's, not you Blake it's me I'm not good for you I will just hurt you" Those were the first words to leave my mouth since I told my parents to go. "I will take that risk M I would give up my life for you if it meant that we would become best friends again. I need you I'm lost without you" My heart broke for him but nothing left my mouth. Blake didn't say anything else as the door opened again and I heard footsteps I don't know if that was him leaving or someone else entering. The silence was nice. The silence let me feel.

I needed him, I knew that was clear. If I was going to fight I needed Blake by my side but I couldn't hurt him, I knew of my outcome. I knew what and who id become could I do that. I heard footsteps once again then I felt someone climb in next to me. Turning I came face to face with Lee. "Please don't give up Lissa if not for Blake then for me please fight" Cuddling into his side I fell asleep with the warmth of his body.

"Good morning Melissa how do you feel today" should I go for what I'm feeling or the approach that is acceptable to society. "Just dandy" The doctor smiled but that was beside the point there was nothing to smile about. "Your brain activity looks good and your concussion has subsided you should be all good to go home this afternoon" Smiling once again he turned and walked out. This afternoon I could go back to living my life or what's left of it that is. No one came by for the rest of the day and I was fine with that I preferred the silence it's funny how I use to hate it. It wasn't the silence that I hated it was what came with it the loneliness. It gave me time to think and I hated that I was depressed even before I had Leukemia it just got worse the sicker I got.

"Can I call for someone to pick you up?" Looking at the time I declined his offer. Lee was at school and my parents were working I could book a taxi. I didn't have to book a taxi because by the time I had gotten outside Lee was standing at the entrance. "I was just coming to visit you" He was smiling like me getting out of the hospital was something to smile about. "I got discharged about an hour ago that's how long it took me to walk out here I was just going to take a taxi". "Let's go home then" Lee smiled. I was weak, I hadn't eaten today which meant I had no energy, no energy meant I didn't have the strength to argue with him which meant he took me home as much as I wanted to tell him I wasn't going to depend on him I just didn't have the energy.

This whole situation was my fault my doctor told me that it would take 3 weeks for the radiation to leave my body which meant I would be at my weakest for 3 weeks but no I thought I would be okay to go to school 2 days after I had my last treatment. I thought I knew my body and I know what would work for me I should have just listened and maybe I wouldn't be this depressed. I wasn't going to be as strong as a normal person but I would be stronger than I am. "I might have to skip 3 weeks of school" I laughed at the whole thing. "Why?" Lee frowned. "My cancer doctor told me that it would take 3 weeks from my last treatment for the radiation and it affects to leave my body and I thought it would be a cool thing to go to school 2 days after my last treatment" I laughed again but this time I laughed so hard I almost pissed my pants I knew it wasn't a laughing matter but that made me laugh harder.

"Lissa" Sometimes Lee acted like my father more then my actual father. "You are taking 3 weeks off school and I'm not hearing more about it and I know when it comes to next week your going to say your okay because you don't want to stay home but your staying I don't care" Do I need to say more? He's just making my statement more true. Nodding my head I made my way to my bedroom.