One step at a time

8

Melissa Newman

The last week was finally here, the last week of me being cooped up in a house with four walls but the secrets of so much more, This house held so many memories. Some were the best memories that one could ever have. My mother was born in this house, My father proposed to her by the door. The hallway was my mother's isle as she got married. My brother and myself were born on the couch that still lay in the backyard. Those were just a handful of the good ones but like everyone, it holds bad memories too, The ones that we try to forget like the stillbirth of our little brother. That one, in particular, was something that I wanted to forget and for a while I did, I buried it beneath me deep down where sometimes those thoughts come out the ugly ones. The ones that help you make that bad choice or wrong judgment. Monday morning I had made a wrong choice, bad judgment if I had thought about what I was going to do then maybe I would've turned the other way and ignored the whole thing but I didn't. I opened that door maybe I was naïve to think that maybe I could get what I wanted for once. Just one day I asked at the beginning of the day. One day I would like to be a normal teenager and do normal teenage things.

There I sat on the stairs waiting for my brother with a bottle of vodka in my hand sitting on the steps quietly weeping. Was I drunk yes, did I think this was a mistake or lack of judgment at this second no I didn't I thought it was the best idea I've had in my life Lee and Martin had turned up, as usual, every day after school but this time was different this time I was plastered drunk off my face wanting to desperately forget who I was for one night. I wanted something to ease the pain and it had worked. A temporary fix to a permeant problem. "Lissa why is there a bottle of vodka in your hand" Lee was scared to know the truth I could see it in his eyes I had disappointed him again. I let him down again.

Taking a sip before answering. "It's been my best friend today so has the other two bottles but sadly there empty I'm running low be a doll and get some more please" I looked up hoping he would, I needed this I needed to let loose. He gave me the look you know the look people give you when they are trying quietly to tell you that it was a bad call. "Just one day Lee, I want to go one day without feeling pain and be a normal teenager one day is all I ask" My parents had heard my sentence as they pulled up and jumped out of their car. "Lee give it to her she's not asking for much she's hurting and right now this is how she wants to cope with the pain she's only asking for one day" Dad had spoken up pleading my case. "If it makes you feel better Martin can stay the night and all three of you can drink away until you wash your sorrows away" Mum just had to put her 10 cents in.

Martin and Lee looked at each other while dad jumped back in his car to get more vodka. "Lissa are you okay?" It was one simple question. It was a yes or no question and I couldn't lie to Lee he meant too much to me. "No, but that's okay" smiling I took another sip before handing it to my brother. "It's not okay Lissa I can see you hurting and it hurts me knowing you're in pain" Lee looked at the ground. "You know 2 months into my treatment I had tried to kill myself but sadly that wasn't even the first time" All my darkest secrets were going to come out tonight. "What do you mean not the first time?" This was the first time I had worn a skirt in a long time. Pulling up my skirt I showed my brother the one thing I hadn't shown anyone. "Lissa why didn't you tell me it was that bad" Smiling I looked up to the sky. "Because my pain was mine it was something no one can share" Smiling once again I looked up at my brother my vision was blurry.

"What's the pain like?" I knew what he was asking. What was it like to have cancer, what was it like to be me daily. "At first there was nothing, I didn't feel any pain but as time went on and the treatment started I just felt weak barely able to shower myself, then after the first couple of rounds it was like someone was stabbing me with a thousand knives over and over again constantly never stopping its a constant pain but it's not just the physical pain its the mental as well" Smiling I looked away from Lee afraid of the outcome from that description. "You don't even realize your strength Lissa" I wasn't strong most days I could barely move how was that strong but by the time I had thought of an answer that wouldn't piss Lee off dad had arrived with the vodka and we all moved inside that conversation long-forgotten well for now at least. The night was spent with many laughs and some tears. It was a nice night we ended up going to sleep at 4 am when our parents had woken up for work and forced us to sleep plus we were running out of vodka. Dad had brought 5 boxes he knew that we would be up for most of the night. he knew I needed this but he also knew Lee needed it too. Martin stayed like he always did. My parents didn't mind they knew something was wrong at home but they didn't ask they just opened their home to him. He will go home when he's ready. His older sister Olivia came over from time to time to visit she goes to college in another country on a scholarship so they didn't see each other often. Mum offered her a room to stay in during her visit but she insisted on renting a hotel room.

The next morning or should I say late afternoon was horrifying. "Please tell me why I thought it was a good idea to start drinking?" I asked the two boys who were trying to cook something. "Can you stop yelling?" Lee barked but in reality, we were all whispering. "Hello, my lovely children" Now he was yelling. "Dad please keep it down my head hurts more than my body right now" I whisper yelled. Mum had giggled at our pain. "Lee move before you burn down the house" Mum had stepped in making us something before we had to call the insurance people. We sat in silence as we ate. "Alright I'm going back to sleep" I jumped on the makeshift bed Dad had made us all this morning. I felt Lee and Martin climb in on each side of me as we all fell asleep I could hear Dad's laughter in the background.

The next couple of days were filled with the big bang theory, My last week was finally over. Tomorrow would be a new and better day.