America: 50☆Stars (Vol. 1)

Episode 31: The St. Louis Secret

Warning: This episode will trigger New Yorkers and bagel snobs. You've been warned.

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The clerk behind the counter smiles at the next customer. "Hi! Welcome to the St. Louis Bread Company (aka Panera Bread)! How may I... help... you...?"

Missouri approaches the counter, wearing a black hoodie and a pair of black shades that hide her eyes. "I like to order half a dozen bagels please."

"Um..." The clerk blinks their eyes. "What kind of bagels would you like?"

"Three plain bagels and three everything bagels," she orders. "I'll also have two containers of honey walnut cream cheese."

"Okay." They nod their head.

"And..." Missouri peers close to their face and whispers, "I want the St. Louis secret."

The clerk gives her a quizzical look. "Uh... I don't think that's on the-"

"Is there a problem?" A tall man in a dress shirt and tie appears behind the clerk.

"M-Manager!" the clerk stutters. "Nothing! The customer is asking for the St. Louis secret, and-"

The manager covers their mouth. He glances at the customer with an unperturbed smile on his face. "Hahaha! Don't worry, ma'am. Your order will be ready in about two minutes."

"This order is to-go."

He nods. "Right, right." He pushes the clerk over to the side.

"S-Sir? What's the St. Louis secret?"

One of the employees pokes their head out of the kitchen. "It's taboo." They frown.

"What? Are you pulling my leg, Josh?" She peers over his shoulder.

Josh gets half a dozen bagels and puts them by the bread slicer. He takes a plain bagel and positions it within the device. With a sharp butcher knife, he proceeds to commit a crime against his Brooklyn values. He slices the bagel... vertically! Many times! Like bread! Bread! AAaaAAaahh!

The clerk pales. 'Why do I feel like I witnessed a murder...?'

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As soon as Missouri gets home, she sets her food down at the table. She grabs a clean plate from a kitchen cabinet and a butter knife from a drawl, setting them down at the table. Her hand dives straight into the bag, bringing out a box of bagels. Just as she's about to open the box, a loud knock hits her front door.

"FBI! OPEN UP!"

A mixture of confusion, irritation, and mortified terror paints across her face. "FBI?!"

She screams when her front door gets kicked down without warning. A team of men in SWAT gear raid her home. They invade every inch of her house, ruthlessly rummaging through items and making a mess of her place. One man approaches Missouri. She recognizes him instantly, and her blood boils over.

"New York! What's the meaning of this?" she questions.

"You're under arrest," New York tells her as two agents approach Missouri from behind.

"What are you talking about? I haven't done anything wrong!"

"You just committed a Class A felony."

"Class A felony?! I didn't murder anyone!"

"Yes, you did!"

"Sir," one of the agents approaches him, "we found the victims. It isn't pretty." He holds up a box full of vertically-sliced bagels.

He shifts his mournful eyes away from the cruel sight. "Victims. It's not just one." He gets up in her face. "How many did you kill?!"

She flinches, yet she stands her ground. "I killed no one!"

"She's lying, sir," says one of the agents as they read a receipt. "According to this record, she bought six individuals. Two sets of triplets. All of them in..." they suck in a dramatic breath, "the St. Louis secret."

Dun-dun-dun!

New York shivers at what the agent said. His eyes turned cold like the Hudson during blizzard. "You sick sociopath. Is this just a game for you to satisfy your sick desires?"

She scowls. "Doesn't the FBI have more important matters to attend to?"

"Don't you dare question the Federal Bagel Inspectors!" he screams. "Answer me! Why did you murder them?"

"Oh my God. They're just bagels. All I did was have them sliced up like bread."

"Just bagels... Sliced up like bread..." he mockingly laughs. "Oooh. I have a special prison cell reserved for sadistic criminals like you."

She fumes, "This is ridiculous! All I'm trying to do is enjoy some lunch until you and your whole operation completely waste everyone's time and resources!"

"Look. I wouldn't have barged in if you didn't torture and kill six innocent bagels for your amusement. If you just ate your bagels like any decent human being, this wouldn't have happened."

"There's nothing wrong with bread-sliced bagels!" She grabs the box from the agent. "Look!" She picks a bagel slice and takes a bite out of it. "Still tastes like a ba-"

"You monster!" He tackles her to the ground.

"H-Hey! Let me go!"

New York cuffs her wrists. "You're under arrest for the murder of six bagels. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be used against you in court. And..." He goes on to list her Miranda rights.

Missouri grumbles, "If I'm actually going to prison for a bunch of bagels, I'm going to murder you before I get locked up in a cell."

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+ On March 27, 2019, a man named Alek Krautmann, a St. Louis native, posted a photo of bread-sliced bagels on Twitter he called 'the St. Louis secret'. His tweet got a bunch of responses, especially from bagel snobs in New York City who thought of him as a "sociopath". Some were quick to defend his bagel preference, finding nothing wrong with this unusual cut. Either way, I could go for an everything bagel with cream cheese right about now.

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