The Potions Master

fifтуfive: your eyes are dark.

I was standing at the docking station, thankfully it was the weekend. So I had no classes, I was debating how bad I really didn't wanna talk to anyone at the moment. I dreaded it almost, I wanted some peace for awhile but I know people would only want to talk to me. And I also didn't want to run into... Severus...
But I had too, I couldn't hide all day. I adjusted my uniform and began up all the steps and stairs up to the courtyard. I hated these damned stairs. Too many for me.
~
I noticed how not many people were in the courtyard, and the ones that were, looked gloomy. The sky was gloomy here. People were quiet, and it looked like it might rain soon.
Hmph. What's with everyone? I only ever see the Slytherin's gloomy, but never so many Hufflepuffs, or Ravenclaws, or Gryffindor's. I passed by them, thankfully they hadn't paid me much mind. I should put my luggage in my dorm, but, then I'd have to go to my common room.. And if I went to my common room I know someone would try to talk to me, that's a guaranteed forced social interaction. I frowned, but there was no way around it.
I ran down the stairs that led to the dungeons, trying to be quick and cool in hopes of my chances of not talking to anyone. I just didn't feel like it.
"Y/n!"
I froze in my tracks at that accent, that happy tone. "Where've ya been?!" Someone grabbed my shoulder and forced me to whip around, coming face to face with Oliver. "Hiii Oliver". I said with an obvious forced smile. "Ya look a lil down Y/n". He started. "Well I wouldn't blame ya, everyone's been a little down since... well, I'm sure you've heard about.. Anthony, right?"
I cringed as I remembered that day, watching that happen, seeing him die, hearing his gasps of pain and fear. "I.. I have". I mumbled and looked at the ground, suddenly tense. "I'm gonna miss that guy, he was one of my bestfriends Y'know?" Oliver had even looked sad, so that's why everyone was gloomy. "It was announced at breakfast just a few days ago".
I figured Dumbledore would honor him, such a great man.
"But where've you been?" He asked me curiously. "I.. Oh uh.. Visiting my parents". I lied thoughtfully. "I'll stop bugging you, I know it's hard for everyone right now, especially the team". I nodded remembering how good friends they were. "I.. Uh, thanks for checking on me, Anyway, I gotta go, Bye oliver". I shrugged him off and he sent me a caring smile, I strode away. "
~
I was sitting in the Library, my face stuffed in a book like usual. Cassidy and Brian hadn't even noticed I'd returned, everyone seemed really sad. Anthony was a prefect afterall, one of our most beloved students, he was always nice to every house, every blood type, he was a good team player.
But I had to try and take my mind off of it. So I was reading a supposed true love story, my mind still lingering on the events of this week.. Why did I kiss him? Why did he even kiss me?
I blushed at the thoughts. But suddenly my head was filled with the thoughts of Severus. His lips were much softer than Remus's, and his skin colder, much paler too. And when I looked in Severus's eyes, I felt so cold sometimes, his eyes were swirls of pitch black, unable to see his pupils because of how dark they were. There was.. no color in them, from afar you could guess his eyes were brown, but up close, you can see how dark they really are.
His eyes are dark.
But when I looked into Remus's eyes, they were a darker shade of brown, but a filling color nonetheless. And he just has this light in them, but Severus had no light. It was confusing to me, I had no idea why this stood out to me so much, or infuriated me. I felt so confused between the two.
I couldn't understand my own feelings, and I couldn't get the image of Severus out of my head. I felt guilt. Was kissing Remus wrong? Was what I did wrong? But he called me a mudblood, he called me stupid, he hurt me. Was this so wrong? Especially when he expected me to just forgive him, he had done it all so blatantly, completely shameless. Was it so wrong I may have given Remus a goodbye kiss? Why can't I just—-"

"You're back". I dropped my book by the sudden voice, my hand twitched and I bolted up, sitting straight. I looked up from my seated position, and met with those black orbs of coldness. I noticed how Severus wasn't wearing his cape like usual, and his hair was brushed nicer. He put his hands together and cleared his throat. "I am". I muttered out, unsure what to say. "May I ask, what you've been doing the last week?" He asked, trying to sound casual, but not prying. He seemed... respectful and much less opinionated than usual. "I've been taking a break, you know that". I replied quietly, he stood a good couple of feet away from me. He struggled with his words, almost fighting against what he wanted to say. "Are... you...- Are we.. Did you—.. mm". He growled and his brow furrowed, he seemed frustrated with himself. "I wanted to.. Ask you if you.. might be free this afternoon". He stated, an assertive and authoritive tone. "I am.. But I don't think I'll be wanting to spend it with anyone". I replied, he looked disappointed. "I..  I'm sorry". His shoulders fell and he refused to look at me, I was unsure if he was just saying this to get me back, or if he was saying this because he meant it. He waited eagerly for approval, or any response at all.
"You and me, we used to be together. Everyday together, always.. Severus.. And I really feel, that I'm losing.. . my bestfriend".
I felt suddenly drained of any confidence when those words left my lips.
He looked at me with hurt eyes. "It looks as though, your ... letting go, Y/n". He cleared his throat, and looked me in my eyes, he seemed more.. nervous and scared of my next sentence.
"I just... you.. your eyes...". I looked at the floor, and he nervously shifted. "My.. eyes?" He stuttered. "Your eyes.. are dark, your eyes are so dark". I bit my lip, wiping my eyes of the quick forming tears, trying to make sure that I don't cry in the public library. "I used to love looking in your eyes, they were so welcoming, and even though they were always dark, I never minded. Because I could see the love in them, I could see the good in them.. But your eyes.. they changed".

"They changed?"

I nodded slowly, unable to look at his dark eyes. "They're dark, cold, unforgiving... empty of love, Severus you looked me in the eyes, and called me... you know what you said". I croaked, biting my lip to prevent it from quivering. "I... I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry". He kept muttering he was sorry, over and over again, each one more devastating than the last. "Severus I don't think... we should—"

"Please don't say it".

I closed my eyes tight, the guilt burning to the core of my heart. He sounded so hurt.
"It hurts me more than it does to you... I d-don't think... we should... be together". I clenched my fists, almost breaking at my own words, but something slipped out of my lips in immediate thought; "Right now".
I breathed deep.
I watched his once incredibly tense shoulders fall, in somewhat relief and confusion. His eyes looked so confused, so lost, and once I looked at them I couldn't look away. "What do you mean?"
I stared at his dark eyes, mustering up my thoughts. For some reason, I knew what I wanted to say, what was running through my head. "I mean.. I want you, I ...'-love you. but right now, you're lost. I can see it in your eyes, I'm lost too... But ... I think we should wait.. j-just until... we-we're better". I stood to my feet, looking in his eyes. I had said it just quiet enough that only he'd hear, but loud enough that it was clear.
"I understand". He suddenly sounded more... hopeful, rather than doubtful and afraid. "I.. Think that would also.. be the best..". He trailed off and keeping his hands held together behind his back. I wiped my eyes quickly, no formed tears escaping. "I will see you off then on monday for occulemency lessons".
~