Hurt ♥ A Niall Horan Fan Fiction

Chapter 10

"I... I..." Niall hesitated, making me think he had more to say than this, "... Think you're beautiful." 

This somehow sets relief in me. I was expecting something different to come out of his mouth, and I wouldn't be prepared for that. But this doesn't help me at all. It doesn't make me feel anything or say anything about him.

I sighed and looked down. What is his point?

I like when boys call me beautiful and all, but sometimes when it's this type of situation where I'm so far gone it's pointless. What is he trying to accomplish here? I'm not like other girls.

"What's wrong?"

"You just, can't..." I sigh pausing looking for the right words, "expect me to accept you all at once. You have to understand this Niall."

 I couldn't love him... He bullied me-- years ago, get over it.

I pull a strand of hair that's bothering me and pull it behind my ear. I'm confused and hurt and annoyed at myself for everything. I even hate myself for saying those words to Niall.

"I'm trying so hard to Tessa, but it's hard when I try and try but you just push me away. All I've done for you these past weeks is prove myself to you!" His voice raising as he backs up.  

"I'm sorry but it's really hard! You don't understand what it's like living like this!"

"Like what?"

"Never mind," I mutter, looking down.

I got up, and hurried away from the horrible scene I had just created. 

No. I didn't like him... Think what you want, but you know you do. Somehow, I knew the annoying voice in my head was right. 

My steps padded on the sidewalk and occasionally made way in puddles. When I got into my house, I was happy no one was home because I could finally do something I had a thought about for a very long time.

I connected my iPod to the speakers and played a song that sadly, made me much more depressed than I already was. I guess I really didn't even care because I wanted to release so much pain all at once at looking back at my childhood and now it's weird seeing me do this now.

The song slowly played the words strikingly powerful, it spiraled me down further down this black hole I was in. I soon found my thoughts overwhelming and the liquid start to slowly pour, and then I started sobbing.  

This all could have been prevented. I could have made my bullies think I wasn't so weak. I rubbed my temples, from the headache. I stood no chance against it. 

The pain entered all at once, as I gripped my eyes shut. Silver and sharp, you'd never know that it could actually make you feel better. I looked down, my mind puzzled. I didn't remember grabbing the blades or making the ten cuts. I shook my head. These motions you can get used to so quickly.

I sighed, hurrying to undo the damage. I get into the shower, almost instantly I regret it as the water pounds down on my freshly made cuts stinging. I cringe, but the feeling goes away after a couple of minutes.

Once I was fully washed and my cuts had stopped bleeding a got out and retrieved some bandages wrapping them around. I changed into a sweater and some shorts and tried to go to bed to avoid anyone.

I couldn't fall asleep at all. Even after the emotionally breakdown, and everything I had done today. I still couldn't fall asleep. It really wasn't fair. Because it was the only time I actually could get away from my thoughts long enough.

I listen throughout the house and hear Karmin downstairs.

"I don't think she is doing so well." She says.

"Why? What's been happening?"

"I don't know she has just been trying to avoid everything at all cost, lately I'm just worried."

"I'm sure she'll be fine." My father says sternly. Hah sure, do you even know me?

"You never know," Karmin presses.

"Well Tessa is a strong individual, she is okay Karmin, just make sure she does her school work." Yeah oh-fucking-kay. This is the one thing you worry about.

"I guess." Karmin says annoyed, she knows she isn't getting anywhere with them. My parents are very stubborn people I think they always have been. They always try to ignore the fact that maybe their kid could be hurting and they don't want to deal with the pain of it- because inside it hurts them too- so they just ignore it all together.

I think that's what I hate most about them. I love them, but I really hate them for the fact the can be the most oblivious people out there. Just like bystanders to a bully. Some see it happen and do nothing about it. It saddens me.

I hear Karmin go up the stairs and into her room, and since I'm not getting any sleep I might as well go talk to her. She is the only one who cares at this point.

I knock on her door, before going in. She is sitting on her bed, pulling out some papers before she looks up and smiles at me.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Nothing just thought I'd come and talk to you." I said and sat on her bed. "How's school been?"

"It's been meh. It is school what do you expect? But it's fun with friends and all." She laughed. "How has it been for you?"

"It's been fine." I smiled, a little white lie that's all it is right?

She nods like she doesn't believe me, but changes the subject. "What have you been doing all day?"

"I've just been getting caught up on homework." I nod another white lie. I start wondering if I told a bunch of little white lies does it all become a big white lie?

"Oh, I had to stay after school." She wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"Why?" I try to sound excited and I guess it does come out that way, because she too becomes excited about telling the story. She said that she had basically sluffed the first two periods and then tried to get back in the school by climbing into a window for third period. Apparently it was a dare, and she gladly accepted. In all honesty it sounds like something she'd do by herself not just because of a dare.  

The rest of the night we talked until I was tired enough to go to sleep. Sadly I'd have to endure another day in which I didn't want to go through.