Reality Check

January Blues

Friends With You (by The Scary Jokes)

"Here's to you and me, and the crumbling infrastructure no one else can see. The end result of my own reckless impulsivity . . ."

___

Slow.

A week after the incident, that was how everything felt. She was slow to wake up, slow to get dressed, slow to do homework. Even time itself seemed to move at a sluggish pace.

The morning after her fight with Kiel, Bethany had woken up in a foggy daze, her eyes bloodshot and a sensation of her chest being squeezed. She didn't find the willpower to drag herself out of bed, and instead, after some convincing to her mother, was allowed to stay home for the day. The next day was much of the same, and Bethany had weakly requested that she stay home. She woke up the same way for the days that followed, and she stayed home for those days, too.

She sunk into despair.

Her mother assumed that she was sick. Often, Bethany felt like she was sick. She hardly left her room except for bathroom trips and meals. She hadn't even ventured outside for fresh air. By the fifth day of her 'sickness', she knew that her mother was worried. She insisted that Bethany go to a doctor, but Bethany disagreed. Although she felt physically exhausted, she knew it wasn't from sickness. It was from something different, and much, much worse.

Bethany felt drained. That was the only word to describe it. Besides her mother, she hadn't talked to a single person. She knew these feelings weren't healthy, but she had dug herself into a deep, dark hole, and now there was no escape. She didn't want to face anyone, not Liz, and especially not Kiel. She didn't know how to face anyone after what had happened.

If she saw Kiel . . . what would she say? Would she be able to say anything at all? Would he ignore her, or would he yell at her? Either of those options seemed likely. She deserved it. She deserved all of it.

What was the point in going to school, anyway? There was no point. Sure, of course her education mattered, but after the incident, everything else that used to be important faded away.

Bethany knew that she would have to go to school eventually. It was inevitable, but she dreaded what might happen. Her thoughts were consumed by the all of the negative possibilities. If she went to school, she would see Kiel walking down the hallway or during English class, and the guilt would slap her full in the face. No, she couldn't do it. There was no way she could face him now.

All she heard were the last words that Kiel had spoken to her, which replayed over and over in an endless circle. His words never left her head. In her dreams, it was worse. One way or another, she dreamed about her fight with Kiel. It always ended with a close-up of his face, tears streaming down his cheeks before he turned his back on her and walked away. He always walked away. And no matter how much Bethany wanted to run after him, her feet stayed rooted to the ground; no matter how much she wanted to yell for him to come back, Bethany's lips stayed sealed shut. She couldn't speak, couldn't move, couldn't even breathe.

Bethany didn't seem to have the motivation to do much of anything, anymore. Aside from basic necessities, she didn't feel the need to do things that she normally enjoyed. She hadn't visited the library, watched a movie, or read a book in a week. Mostly, she spent her time sleeping. She even had to force herself to do homework, which was uncommon for her. As a person who was used to caring about her schoolwork, she didn't feel like herself. She couldn't even muster the motivation to open Pick The Plot, which used to consume all of her free hours.

Sometimes, it felt like she was drowning. The walls around her closed in, and the air was sucked from her lungs. Her chest screamed in pain, but she could barely feel it through her daze. She looked desperately around for a way out, for a light at the end of the tunnel, but she saw nothing. When would this feeling end?