Dear Universe, ✔

Epilogue Part 2.

When I was finally able to get myself out of bed and shower I pull on some shorts and a t shirt before stuffing the bridesmaids dress and heels I will be wearing later tonight into my car. I don't have to be at the church for another six hours, and if I can't be with Ian, I'm going to go to the next best thing. 

Almost an hour later I pull into the driveway of the small, one bedroom house. I smile at the flowers planted along the walkway as I get closer to the door and remember how excited she was to pick out the flowers just a few weeks ago. 

I've never knocked on the door before, I've always just let myself in with my own key, but for some reason that feels wrong now. I lift my hand and knock on the front door, dropping it back to my side as I wait. It doesn't take long for her to answer, but it's long enough to make the tears build back up and the regret to take over my mind. 

When the door opens, Susan takes one look at me and pulls me into a tight hug. "Oh, Annie." 

I let her hug me as my tears flow freely down my face. She doesn't ask what's wrong, I'm sure she already knows - she just holds me as I fall apart in her doorway and eventually she leads me inside to the living room. 

A couple of years ago Susan was released from Pleasant Hill's Mental Health Facility after extensive therapy and trials with medication. It was discovered that with a set routine and the right medication, Susan is able to tame her illness to some degree. She attends therapy three times a week and has some restrictions, but so far she's been doing well. Ian says she's back to being the mom he remembers and I couldn't be happier for the two of them. 

The house that Susan lives in is small, but it's enough for her and it's bigger than the room she spent three years in at Pleasant Hill, so she's happy with it. Ian and I visit often, sometimes to have dinner and sometimes to help her with things like gardening or cleaning. Like all of us, she has good days and bad days, but the good outweigh the bad. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" She takes  a seat beside me on the couch, handing me a cup of tea as she does so. 

Over the years, Susan and I have become really close and she's like a second mother to me. I know that I can trust her to always be honest with me and to not judge, she knows my history and in a way, we can relate to one another. "I messed up."

"With Ian?" She asks, her voice steady and calming. 

I nod my head as I wipe the lingering tears from my eyes. "I didn't mean it." My voice is breaking as I speak, as is my heart as I think about everything I threw away with Ian. He gave me so many chances to take it back, to apologize and come home, but I ignored him each and every time. 

Susan takes my hands in hers, "Honey, he knows you didn't mean it."

"I ignored him. I let him call and sit outside my house for hours and I just ignored him, like he didn't matter." My heart feels as if it's being squeezed, I feel so horrible about the way I treated Ian - Ian who has never done anything to deserve anything but goodness from me and the world. 

"He knows you love him, Annie. You didn't mess anything up, this is just a bump, and Ian knows that. He loves you, honey and he's waiting for you." She sounds so sure that I think maybe he hasn't told her. Maybe he hasn't told her that two days ago he gave up on me.

"He doesn't love me anymore." I look at the ground and finally say the words I've been thinking out loud, breaking me in half as I hear them. 

"Annie, look at me." 

More tears are falling down my face and I have no control over them or my ragged breathing. 

"Annie, look at me." She repeats as her hand moves to my chin and she tilts my head towards her. I'm so ashamed that I hurt her son like this, that I wasted his time - years of his time, that I can't look her in the eye.