Dear Universe, ✔

23.

After missing an entire week of school, my mom finally made me get up and go. I hadn't really left my room at all in the past week, especially not after the night that I left Ian standing in a parking lot. Thinking of that night now makes my heart ache and my eyes sting, I can still see him in my rear view mirror, just watching me as I drive away from him. 

I'd gone to the batting cages that night in an attempt to clear my head and release some of my anger, but instead I came back home more of a wreck than when I left. I blocked Ian's number when I got home that night, but I know that he's been trying to contact me. 

I pull my car into the parking lot and I know that I look a mess, I didn't brush my hair and I'd thrown on the first pair of jeans and clean sweatshirt that I'd picked up this morning. I haven't been sleeping much, instead I've spend the past few nights reading and re reading every blog entry I've ever written, trying to see them through Ian's eyes. I may have told him that I don't love him, but he knows that's a lie - he knows everything. He's known everything this whole time. 

I should probably be mad at Ian for reading my blog for months and hiding it from me, but I don't have it in me to be mad at him. I'm so tired of secrets and being angry, hurt, sad, empty. Part of me is actually glad that he read it, at least now he knows how fucked up I am, and how much better off he is without me. He knows me - the uncensored me - and it feels good to have someone know all my secrets and deepest thoughts in a way.

I look at the clock and see that I have ten minutes before class starts. When I get out of my car I notice that the parking lot is completely empty aside from Colby and a group of his friends, who are all watching me as I sling my backpack over my shoulder and start walking towards the school's entrance. Thankfully, Ian isn't with Colby outside, and I pray that he's already in class so that I don't run in to him in the hallway. 

The hallway is empty when I turn the corner and head to my locker. I'm most likely going to be tardy, but I don't care. 

"There you are!" 

I turn my head to see Fieldan rushing towards me as I spin the dial on my lock. "Here I am."

"Where have you been? Why haven't you answered any of my calls or texts?" She looks at me, from my vans all the way to my knotted hair, before giving me a look of sympathy. 

"Home." I pull out my notebook and shove my backpack in the locker before closing the door a little too aggressively. 

"No shit, Annie. But why? What's going on?" 

"Nothing." I start walking down the hall towards Mrs. Holloway's class, leaving Fieldan behind. I can hear her jogging to catch up to me. 

"Oh yeah? Then why did Ian tell me you broke up with him?"

"Because I did." I can see Mrs. Holloway's door and I thank God that this conversation is almost over. 

"Why? You two are perfect together." 

Instead of answering her, I walk into the classroom and leave her out in the hall confused with her eyes wide. It's not like me to not tell Fieldan things like this and I know she's frustrated and worried, but I just don't feel like talking -especially about this.

I can feel Ian's eyes on me before I even look at him. I can't help it, it's like my eyes are drawn to him like a magnet. He's wearing a black hoodie and black jeans, just like me, and I almost smile at the coincidence. He looks almost as bad as I do, he has bags under his eyes and I can tell that he didn't put much time and effort into his hair this morning by the way it's falling flat on one side.