Dear Universe, ✔

19.

I wave goodbye and thank Colby for the ride, then Ian and I walk in silence towards his front door. We walk up the stairs and towards his room, but I'm not sure if I'm welcomed, so I linger in the hallway. Just as I'm about to make my way to Fieldan's room, he walks over to me and hands me one of his t shirts. "Go change and then we can talk, okay?" 

When I close the bathroom door behind me, all I want to do is wash this night away. Nothing good came from going to that party, it was all bad memories and feelings I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to feel like I can't be happy anymore.

I strip out of Fieldan's clothes and throw them in her hamper before stepping into the shower, where I let the hot water burn my skin for as long as it will before turning cold. I wash the make up off my face, and I scrub a little too hard, still imagining Drew's touch when he touched me there. 

I don't know if Drew meant what he said about still loving me, maybe he did or maybe it was just his jealousy speaking. Either way, the feeling isn't mutual. I don't love Drew and I didn't want him to kiss me. I ran because the only person I want that close to me, the only person I want to kiss me - is Ian. Unfortunately it didn't look that way to Ian when he opened that door, or when he saw me crying while watching Drew and Kaylee. 

I have to make this right, I can't let him think that I still have feelings for Drew or that I'm not one hundred percent in this with him. I turn off the water and step out of the shower, the cold air hitting me and making me shiver as I quickly dry my hair and get dressed.

My eyes are still heavy and I can still feel the room spin a little from all the alcohol I drank, but I'm determined to fight through it as I make my way back down the hall and towards Ian's room. The door is open and he's pullimg a t shirt over his head. His hair is wet and laying flat on his head, which makes him look younger, as does the frown on his face. 

When he sees me standing in the doorway he offers me a weak smile and sits on his bed, patting the place beside him. When I take a seat next to him, and can see all the emotions playing out on his face and in his eyes up close, I just want to make it all go away. 

"Ian, it's not what it looked like. I know that's a crappy, generic line, but it's true."

"It looked like it hurt you to see him with another girl." His voice is low and I can hear how much it hurts him to think that, Fieldan's words from our day at the mall echo in my mind. 

"Everything about that party hurt. It was like I was there, but I wasn't. I was seeing a life that I used to have and love play out before me, and no one missed me. I'd been replaced by everyone and everything, not just Drew. I don't even fit in to my own life, Ian, that's what hurt. It wasn't about Drew and Kaylee, it was about the whole night." I reach for his hand and he pulls away. I try to bite back my tears, but every day it just gets harder and harder to do so. I feel like all I ever do is cry anymore. 

"What about in the bathroom?"

"He came to check on me, I guess. He gave me some water and then told me he misses me and loves me. He was going to kiss me but I got up and said I needed to go find you, that's when you opened the door." I need him to believe me, I need him to know that nothing happened and that I didn't want anything to happen. 

"I heard you." He whispers as he twists the drawstrings of his sweats around his fingers. 

"What?"

"I came upstairs to make sure you were okay, but I heard voices behind the door so...so I kind of eavesdropped and heard everything. I'm sorry, it was wrong, but I...I wanted to know if you regretted breaking up with him or something." 

"You heard everything?"

"I heard him ask you why you stopped talking to him and everything after that." 

This time when I reach for his hand, he doesn't pull away. "Do you want to know the answer?"

Ian shrugs, but I can tell that his answer is really yes, that he needs to know in order to believe that I'm over Drew. 

"I broke up with Drew a couple of months after the accident. He was great, he was there for me when I was in the hospital, he was there during the funeral, and he stayed at home with me while I cried myself into exhaustion for weeks." 

Ian takes his eyes off our hands that are placed in his lap and looks at me for the first time since I sat down beside him. "What happened?"

"I eventually got over the crying all day. I wanted things to go back to as normal as possible, my parents and I started family therapy, and it seemed to be helping a little. I wasn't ready to go back to school and pretend it never happened or anything, but I was over being pitied and treated like I was made of glass. Drew didn't get that though, it's like he only saw me as the victim and no matter how many times I told him that I didn't need to be taken care of or told it wasn't my fault ten times a day, he didn't stop. So, I got annoyed and told him to stop coming around...eventually I realized that I didn't even miss him and so I broke up with him."

"And you don't talk to him now because?"

"At first it was because he was acting like this was all a phase that I would snap out of one day and coming running back to him. He was treating me like I was out of my mind and not thinking logically, like he knew me better than I know myself." I watch as Ian takes in my words, the worry and hurt on his face fading slowly. 

"And now?"

"Now, I just don't have anything to say to him. We're done and I'm over him, I've been over him for awhile and I don't regret it." I squeeze his hand and suddenly it's like we're back to normal, Ian is smiling at me and all the awkwardness is over with. Things with Ian are so easy, even when they're difficult, and I appreciate that more than he will ever know. 

"I'm sorry."

"Ian. Don't apologize, remember when I got pissed at you for kissing that girl? We weren't even together then." I lay back on his bed and laugh, but when he doesn't join in I sit back up. 

"Are we together now, Annie?" 

"I...I mean, I thought so...but if you-"

"Be my girlfriend. Like officially." He cuts me off as he turns so that his arms are on each side of me and his face is just inches away, his smile right in front of me - how could I say no to that? How could I say no to him?"

"Okay." I lean forward and can feel him smiling as our lips meet and he collapses on top of me, causing us both to laugh uncontrollably and all the pain and tears from earlier leave my mind - like they always do when I'm with Ian. 

Later, we hear Nate and Fieldan try to unsuccessfully sneak down the hall and into her room, and we both try to muffle our laughter as Fieldan tells Nate to be quiet or he'll wake everyone, even though she's the one making all the noise. 

With my head laying on Ian's chest, I can hear his heartbeat, which is quickly putting me to sleep. One thing I didn't tell Ian, is that I was never sure that I even loved Drew - I mean, he was the first boyfriend I had ever had, and sure I liked him a lot and I loved spending time with him. Drew made me happy and he was fun, I looked forward to seeing him and he made me laugh, but...I never felt the way I feel with Ian when I was with Drew. 

Ian makes everything else disappear, he makes me happy even when I feel like there's no hope, he makes my heart race just by smiling at me, and he gets me - like how I need time to think and process before I talk about something. Ian has been there for me and learned more about me in six months than Drew did in over two years. 

"Hey, Annie." 

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for telling me about you and Drew." 

"You deserved to know." I tilt my head and kiss his cheek before closing my eyes, ready to finally give myself over to the sleep I've been fighting since the party. 

"I'm glad you didn't kiss Drew."

Me too. "Why? Would it have made you jealous?" I tease, thinking back to how jealous I got when the random girl at Hayden's party kissed him. 

Ian is quiet for so long that I'm barely awake when he puts his lips to the top of my head and whispers, "It would have ripped my heart out, Annie."