Dear Universe, ✔

24.

Ian's P.O.V

I'm surprised I haven't pulled all of my hair out from the amount of times I run my hands through it, tugging and pulling at strands as if that's going to make the answer come to my mind. I feel like I've tried everything, but Annie still won't speak to me, she barely even looks at me. 

I thought that I had her in the cafeteria, the way she was standing there, staring at me - I could see how badly she wanted to fall back into routine and sit beside me while she ate her lunch and rambled on about whatever was on her mind. I could see it so clearly that I went and tracked down Colby, who had a free period, and borrowed his phone to send her a text - the same text I'd been sending her over and over from my own phone, only to have it fail each time because she blocked me. 

I keep telling myself that this can't last forever, that she'll come back eventually. The only problem is, Annie is so unstable and rattled right now that I don't know if she'll do something drastic before she realizes that this was all a mistake. That's what keeps me up at night, that's what has me pulling at my hair - well, that along with the fact that Annie left me and now there's this huge fucking hole in my heart. 

I can't believe that less than a year ago I was comfortable and used to the idea of having no friends, my mom was my main priority and I was okay with that. I had grown accustomed to the stares and pointing fingers as I walked down the halls, and I was fine with keeping to myself. Everyone thought that I was weird just because I kept to myself, but not Annie. 

Annie broke me out of the shell that I had buried myself in. I wasn't lying when I shouted those words to her at the baseball field. She does make me feel alive. She does make me try new things. I did open up to her. I do trust her. She does make me happy. I am in love with her. 

Sitting in my bedroom isn't helping me at all, everywhere I look there's Annie. The comic books she organized for me the first time we met, the closet that she digs through when we go out in attempt to find a shirt "with some color", the television we watch endless hours of Netflix on, the desk she sits at to do her homework sometimes, my bed.

I have to get out of here.

I almost run straight into Fieldan as I throw open my bedroom door. She has her fist raised like she was just about to knock. "Oh, hey. I was just coming to talk to you."

"About what?"

She gives me a look, as if to say, "Don't be stupid, you know about what." "About Annie."

I step back inside my room and Fieldan follows. "What about her?" 

"Did you talk to her today?" She takes a seat on the edge of my bed and starts picking at her nails - a nervous habit I've noticed that she has. 

I sigh and pull out the chair at my desk, the same chair Annie spins around in more than she actually sits and does homework in. "I tried."

"And?"

"And she doesn't want to talk to me, Fieldan. Every time she walked away or didn't reply when I used someone else's phone to text her. Hell, she even chose to take a make up test over sitting next to me in History." I sound defeated, even to my own ears, and I know Fieldan hears it to. 

"She won't talk to me either. I tried and she just gave me short answers and practically ran to class to get away from me." When I don't say anything in reply, she starts picking at her nails harder. "What happened, Ian? She texted me over the weekend and told me how great things were going and then she just dropped off the Earth for a week twenty four hours later."

I wish I could tell her what happened, I wish I knew the answer, but I don't. I don't know what changed for Annie once she left this house and got to her own. "I don't know, Field. All I know is that she was fine when we got back from visiting my mom and then I didn't hear from her again until four days later when she told me we were a mistake and drove away from me." 

"But you two are so good together. She was happy with you, I could see it every time you two were together, and when she talked about you. Annie had such a rough year, and it was like she was finally healing - because of you." She's trying to make it all make sense in her head, I can see her mind thinking over and replying everything in her head, looking for that one clue that will make everything fall together. 

"It was an act, Field. She was happy at times, but there was - there is - so much more going on." I can't keep this to myself anymore. If Annie won't talk to me or let me help her, then maybe I need a partner in this. 

"What do you mean?"

"You have to promise you won't freak out or make things harder on her by confronting her about this." I turn around and grab my laptop, opening it to the web browser and clicking on the bookmark for Annie's blog.

Fieldan looks more confused that before, but she nods her head in agreement and promises to not overreact. I sit beside her on the bed and click the very first blog entry Annie ever wrote. I'm surprised that she hasn't taken them down, but she probably doesn't see the point since I've already seen them all. She hasn't posted anything new since the night she wrote about saying goodbye to me, and I'm not sure that's a good thing.

It takes Fieldan awhile to read through them all, but by the end she's crying so hard her make up is running and her hands are shaking. She closes the laptop and hugs it to her chest like she needs something to hold on to or she'll fall apart. "How did you find this?"

"I asked to use her computer one day and she had the screen still pulled up. I came home and looked it up that night after the Fall Festival."

"The Fall Festival? You've known about this for that long?" She releases the laptop and sits it to the side. 

"I've been trying to help. I thought I was for awhile, but then...but then everything took a turn and her entries got dark. I...I don't know what to do, Field." I'm on the verge of tears and my voice breaks as I try to explain to her that I was only trying to help Annie, I didn't mean to make things worse. Whatever I did that weekend before she ended things, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make things worse for her. 

Fieldan pulls me in to a hug and it's been so long since I've hugged anyone other than my mom and Annie that it feels foreign to me, but I eventually return the gesture and when we pull away, we both know that we're now partners in this. 

"We have to help her." Her tears are gone and she's back to the strong, determined step-sister I met last year.