Hidden Behind Everything Happy

Apology, 1:

Riley and Imogen were doing fine. And I was actually getting along with her again; which was a pleasant change from always wanting to rip her hair out and being fearful for my own. It was like Riley and I had never happened, which also felt good. I didn't need Riley anymore, I didn't need the drink and gifts and super corny chat up lines to get me to stop thinking about all the bad things anymore... I had Nicky.

My next stop was Courtney's house. Something I felt I needed to do on my own too, I left Nicky in the corner shop cafe with Riley and Imogen as they ate each others faces between mouthfuls of cake. It didn't bother me anymore, and I had to admit they were totally the cutest couple ever! Which was exactly what people had said to me and Riley; except they seemed to suit better. Maybe because she wasn't little miss innocent when they got together. And he was content with the knowledge that as well as being one, he was dating a player. 

I knocked on the door twice. 

knock knock... 

I heard footsteps and then saw through the frosted glass a red and green blob jump down the stairs the door opened and her face went from ecstatic to confused to blank. Man that girl was good at hiding her emotions. 

"Hey, can I come in?" Courtney stepped aside and held the door opened slowly revealing that maybe she wanted to patch things up, I scooted past her with a heavy heart knowing what a bitch I'd been that night. 

"I'm sorry, honest I am. All of those things I said were a pile of crap, I was drunk and stupid and upset and I know I acted like a cow but I am really sorry so please forgive me Courtney" I turned around having said the entire rehearsed apology to the wall as I walked around her coffee table to see her. 

"Okay, I'm going out later so maybe you should go soon" I looked into Courtney's pale and blank face. She had moisture in her eyes but I knew her well enough to know that she wasn't upset, but more likely angry at me. 

"Courtney don't be like that please. Listen, so much happened recently and I don't want us to fall out" I knew I was playing the card of 'oh whoa is me' but I couldn't help it. There was a stupid block in my head that still blamed everything that happened to me on my past. 

"Exactly, you had all that crap going on and you didn't bother to tell me. Me! And I'm supposed to be your best friend and you didn't tell me! Yet you told Riley, that sleazy cheating scumbag, and Nicky who you only see once a year. What kind of advice are you gonna get when you try and sum something up in five minutes" I looked at the floor, I knew I was guilty of being a truly crappy best friend; but I hadn't meant anything by it.

She breathed out a long sigh.

"Well, I cant not forgive you can I?" I looked up surprised by how cool she was being about the whole situation. I smiled and looked at the floor. There was something so special about the bonds I had with my closest friends, how they could forget and forgive my stupidities and how they trusted and loved me no matter what; it was amazing.

"And for the record I'm sorry about you Dad" I nodded knowing she was already, I remembered how her face had changed  when Nicky had confirmed what I was saying.

"I'm sorry Mum" I said about to go into the operating theatre. I didn't want this, didn't want my organs to fail and I die in agony in an unfamiliar place like the hospital. My Mother was leaning over me, her smile wavering as she hit at the air, waving away my apology like it meant nothing. But I was sorry, sorry I hadn't been strong enough to stand up to my father and stop him from ever hurting her or me again; it was as much my fault as his that I was in this mess.

"I'll see you when you get out" I knew what operations like this led to; I had no hope left. The nurses were more subdued when they came in my room, my Mum quieter, the doctors more understanding towards my mood swings. I hadn't needed my Mum to come in and tell me they'd given me forty eight hours. I didn't have a choice in the operation now because what I wanted had been overruled by my own Mother. She didn't understand my need to die in peace.

"I love you Mum, more than anything" I felt tears sprinkle in my eyes. I held out my arm, the many letters I'd written swaying in my haky grip. I had never had such a feeling of loneliness enter my heart than at that moment.I felt like I was saying goodbye.

"What are these for?" My Mother, my ever so lovely, caring, devoted mother looked about ready to kill me. I could hardly blame her; I'd all but given up.

"In case I don't come back out" My Mothers eyes spilled, her legs wobbling dangerously. I knew she was doing anything in her power to stop herself or me from thinking about the possibility that I may never come home.The Doctor put a hand on her shoulder, which made me smile. I'd not seen a twinkle in my mothers eye in such a long time, and the way he looked at her told me everything I needed to know. He adored her, worshipped her strength and commitment to protect me even if it meant the possibility of her being alone in the end. He had a power over her too; she stopped following the trolley and just stood there watching me be wheeled down the long hospital hallway.

"I love you Son" I smiled and whispered in bittersweet happiness. I hadn't flet happy in such a long time. 'Goodbye Mum'.